I'm not going to therapy. Yet. But I just remembered how therapeutic writing is for me. I wrote once in a post that I felt better after writing about whatever problems I had at the time. It's still true. I wish I felt that way more with actual writing, not typing. Typing is a lot faster though, my fingers keep up with my thoughts quicker.
I wrote a note on my Facebook page and published it for all my friends to see. I'm going to regret it. Basically I'm going through some work issues, mainly with the store manager. She's new, since October I think. I gave in my resignation letter last week after a year and eight months of working there, and I will have received 12 hours worth of work in two weeks compared to the 40 I would normally get. My hours have instead gone to a fellow associate who was hired for the season to help me in the back. I like him, but I don't like him right now because he is getting my hours. I also mentioned how I'd rather have friends who do rather than friends who don't, who talk instead of act.
All my friends are talkers; I realize I was forced into the listener part. I am a better listener than talker though, but I know I have a lot to say, I'm just really bad at saying it. I stutter, I trip over my words, a lot of the times I can't find the right word. I like writing better because I get to think about what I want to say before actually saying it. If I do that in real life (thinking before I speak), it takes too long and I usually forget what I want to say in the first place. I think that's why I regret a lot of things I've said in the past, things I've said when I was in elementary school and high school and even university and as a worker in retail...I think I sound like an idiot. I think that's why I'd rather talk through text form, even though actual text messages can be annoying (texting while the other person is responding immediately is hard work, fingertips gotta move real fast).
I am going to do something about my situation though. I will. It's late now, but in the morning I will do what I want to and have to do. For the sake of future associates at the store I work at. I don't want anyone else to be treated the way I was treated.
Sunday, 1 January 2017
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Finding The Right Hair Stylist
For the past five years or so, I've had the struggle of finding someone to cut my hair. Yesterday, I went to Great Clips and a young lady got to have the privilege. For the price I paid, I expected the cut to be not so great...And I was correct.
To those just tuning in, I'm Asian. In the past five years or so, I have realized a few things about my hair and what I need from whoever cuts it:
1. She/He needs to be Asian.
Okay, not "needs to be," but someone who understands how Asian hair has to be cut. No matter who the Asian is, Asian hair is thick as all hell. Even if you hear an Asian (or specifically an Oriental) say that their hair is thin, call bullshit. The only Asians who have thin hair are probably babies and possibly the elderly. Every time I have gone to a white person and asked for "a trim and thin," they don't understand.
2. I need to be able to go at least three months without having to get a haircut.
For the price I pay at any hair studio (I've paid between $30 and $50 over the years, and every time have been utterly disappointed), I should be able to without a cut for the next months, not go back the next day. Great Clips was an exception because the price I paid wasn't anywhere near that, but I've had an experience where I literally paid $50 and had to go back the next day because the stylist missed cutting a bunch of long strands right above my ears and she left blunt cuts at the back of my head. Like, excuse me, did you not realize I would go home and inspect every inch of my head? You think I don't have two mirrors so I can look at the back of my head? Bitch please. Also, a month after getting the haircut, I shouldn't have an oddly shaped head of hair. *****You KNOW you have a good hairdresser on your hands when you can go months on end without having to go back. Don't EVER let them go because they're gems and hard to find if you lose them. I know, because I had an amazing hairdresser, and then she moved away to a less reachable area by transit, and have been depressed ever since.
3. She/He has to be creative.
That perfect hairdresser I mentioned a few seconds ago? Whenever I told her what I wanted (usually a trim here and there, and a thin), she did that and more. She gave me cuts that were above and beyond my expectations, always different, but they were constantly gorgeous. The cost was unbelievably inexpensive as well, but I always tipped well because she deserved it. These past years though? Very uninspired. I find that no matter who I go to, my hair always looks the same, just a tiny bit shorter. Am I asking too much? I'm even trying to grow my hair out! How does it still look similar though?
That's all I've got for now. Every time in the past five years or whatever, I've always had to take up a pair of scissors and snip more than a few strands of hair for myself. It might be my fault for entrusting my hair to so many different people and never getting the results I want, but I think it's fair to want more hair stylists to understand that there are more hair types and colours and cuts in the world than just what they're used to. No one's hair is the same and these hair people need to understand that. I have a friend who has extremely curly hair and she has to see a specialist to tame her curls. Unfortunately, since the hairdresser is a specialist, she charges an arm and a leg and is usually booked for a couple months before my friend can get an appointment. I've had another friend with curly hair who said most hair stylists straighten her hair before cutting it. Excuse me but that straight hair curls back up after a shower and then you can't see the difference, so what's the point?
What are your hair woes? Got any tips for me?
To those just tuning in, I'm Asian. In the past five years or so, I have realized a few things about my hair and what I need from whoever cuts it:
1. She/He needs to be Asian.
Okay, not "needs to be," but someone who understands how Asian hair has to be cut. No matter who the Asian is, Asian hair is thick as all hell. Even if you hear an Asian (or specifically an Oriental) say that their hair is thin, call bullshit. The only Asians who have thin hair are probably babies and possibly the elderly. Every time I have gone to a white person and asked for "a trim and thin," they don't understand.
2. I need to be able to go at least three months without having to get a haircut.
For the price I pay at any hair studio (I've paid between $30 and $50 over the years, and every time have been utterly disappointed), I should be able to without a cut for the next months, not go back the next day. Great Clips was an exception because the price I paid wasn't anywhere near that, but I've had an experience where I literally paid $50 and had to go back the next day because the stylist missed cutting a bunch of long strands right above my ears and she left blunt cuts at the back of my head. Like, excuse me, did you not realize I would go home and inspect every inch of my head? You think I don't have two mirrors so I can look at the back of my head? Bitch please. Also, a month after getting the haircut, I shouldn't have an oddly shaped head of hair. *****You KNOW you have a good hairdresser on your hands when you can go months on end without having to go back. Don't EVER let them go because they're gems and hard to find if you lose them. I know, because I had an amazing hairdresser, and then she moved away to a less reachable area by transit, and have been depressed ever since.
3. She/He has to be creative.
That perfect hairdresser I mentioned a few seconds ago? Whenever I told her what I wanted (usually a trim here and there, and a thin), she did that and more. She gave me cuts that were above and beyond my expectations, always different, but they were constantly gorgeous. The cost was unbelievably inexpensive as well, but I always tipped well because she deserved it. These past years though? Very uninspired. I find that no matter who I go to, my hair always looks the same, just a tiny bit shorter. Am I asking too much? I'm even trying to grow my hair out! How does it still look similar though?
That's all I've got for now. Every time in the past five years or whatever, I've always had to take up a pair of scissors and snip more than a few strands of hair for myself. It might be my fault for entrusting my hair to so many different people and never getting the results I want, but I think it's fair to want more hair stylists to understand that there are more hair types and colours and cuts in the world than just what they're used to. No one's hair is the same and these hair people need to understand that. I have a friend who has extremely curly hair and she has to see a specialist to tame her curls. Unfortunately, since the hairdresser is a specialist, she charges an arm and a leg and is usually booked for a couple months before my friend can get an appointment. I've had another friend with curly hair who said most hair stylists straighten her hair before cutting it. Excuse me but that straight hair curls back up after a shower and then you can't see the difference, so what's the point?
What are your hair woes? Got any tips for me?
Thursday, 10 November 2016
My Thoughts: Election 2016
I don't go on Facebook much anymore. There was a period of time after university where I constantly checked Facebook, even though I was only on the site 30 seconds ago; it became depressing. After this election, however, I wondered what the people I considered my friends were thinking about the results. And I was surprised by who supported whom.
I'm going to be honest: if I could have voted in this election, I would have voted Democratic. There are some things that I could not ever imagine a presidential candidate saying or doing, and yet the Republican candidate has said them. However, I understand one or two of the reasons why voting red would be beneficial. From what I have been told by others (and have considered for myself), the Republican candidate isn't a politician and therefore somewhat blind to certain things associated with the field (whether this is good or bad, you can decide). This person also wouldn't likely be corrupted by outside forces (ie. big oil companies and other politicians) because of their financial state and way of thinking, although stubborn. But that's about it. Everything else that has been said orally or social medially by this candidate was and still is outrageous to me, things I don't think a future president would say.
That being said, both candidates were two bad choices and it could have gone either way. Me being a woman, of colour, in a minority like many in the North Americas, an ally to the LGBTQ community though, I would have voted Democratic.
But now that the Republican candidate has become president, there's not much else for me to say. I just hope that much of what this person has said in his campaign rallies and so on don't come to fruition in the four upcoming years. I hope he realizes how important this job he will be undertaking is because it's unfathomable, I hope he becomes humble in the face of huge decisions, and I hope he will listen to the advice of those he surrounds himself.
I hope.
I'm going to be honest: if I could have voted in this election, I would have voted Democratic. There are some things that I could not ever imagine a presidential candidate saying or doing, and yet the Republican candidate has said them. However, I understand one or two of the reasons why voting red would be beneficial. From what I have been told by others (and have considered for myself), the Republican candidate isn't a politician and therefore somewhat blind to certain things associated with the field (whether this is good or bad, you can decide). This person also wouldn't likely be corrupted by outside forces (ie. big oil companies and other politicians) because of their financial state and way of thinking, although stubborn. But that's about it. Everything else that has been said orally or social medially by this candidate was and still is outrageous to me, things I don't think a future president would say.
That being said, both candidates were two bad choices and it could have gone either way. Me being a woman, of colour, in a minority like many in the North Americas, an ally to the LGBTQ community though, I would have voted Democratic.
But now that the Republican candidate has become president, there's not much else for me to say. I just hope that much of what this person has said in his campaign rallies and so on don't come to fruition in the four upcoming years. I hope he realizes how important this job he will be undertaking is because it's unfathomable, I hope he becomes humble in the face of huge decisions, and I hope he will listen to the advice of those he surrounds himself.
I hope.
Friday, 2 September 2016
Holding My Breath
I just had a full fledged panic attack.
How do I even deal with these emotions right now...
My sister moved not even an hour ago to go live in my parents' place in Washington State and my mom is driving her down. My mom will be staying in the US for the weekend and coming back up either Sunday or Monday but most likely Monday since it's a holiday. I'm going to be alone this weekend. I've been alone before for the same amount of time but this time is different, I can't figure out why but it is and I'm scared. Currently texting a friend to hang out because I don't think I can be by myself for the next three days.
Work has been shit too so that's probably not helping me with what's going on right now. I really don't like my job but I'm in a situation where I can't back out until I know where I'm going next in my life.
I want someone to just be there for me. You know how you tell someone about what's going on in your life and he/she just says, "It'll be fine, it'll get better" etc etc? Yeah, no, fuck that person. I know it'll be fine and that it'll get better, that this is just a giant ass bump in the road and I have to go over it because that's the way roads work: you go over the bumps and the potholes, you don't put on the brakes because of them. Just sit with me in my current misery and empathize for two seconds because I'm going through a horrible time that you can't even imagine because you might not experience anxiety the way I do.
Anyone else need to vent? I'm here.
How do I even deal with these emotions right now...
My sister moved not even an hour ago to go live in my parents' place in Washington State and my mom is driving her down. My mom will be staying in the US for the weekend and coming back up either Sunday or Monday but most likely Monday since it's a holiday. I'm going to be alone this weekend. I've been alone before for the same amount of time but this time is different, I can't figure out why but it is and I'm scared. Currently texting a friend to hang out because I don't think I can be by myself for the next three days.
Work has been shit too so that's probably not helping me with what's going on right now. I really don't like my job but I'm in a situation where I can't back out until I know where I'm going next in my life.
I want someone to just be there for me. You know how you tell someone about what's going on in your life and he/she just says, "It'll be fine, it'll get better" etc etc? Yeah, no, fuck that person. I know it'll be fine and that it'll get better, that this is just a giant ass bump in the road and I have to go over it because that's the way roads work: you go over the bumps and the potholes, you don't put on the brakes because of them. Just sit with me in my current misery and empathize for two seconds because I'm going through a horrible time that you can't even imagine because you might not experience anxiety the way I do.
Anyone else need to vent? I'm here.
Monday, 20 June 2016
Figuring It Out/Money Talk
I had an urge to just pack a bag and leave town. It's kind of becoming a thing but my anxiety kicks in every time and I just stay put. I have a job, and saving money is important to me right now. My last day at work is going to be in August though...Things are going down within management and I don't want to stick around long enough to find out what happens/to see all the work I put into my job go to shit.
Anyway, my sister wants to go to LA in August too though, and my friends and I have been planning a day/weekend trip to a hot springs in August as well, so might as well make as much money as I can now before taking off and doing those things. I have another friend who is going to Korea in September and I kinda want to tag along, if she'll welcome me.
I get so torn doing trips though: I like having money in my bank account, but it's supposed to be spent and good times are supposed to be made with the earnings. It just sucks because after I quit my job, I won't have anything to come back to and my savings will dwindle down until I'm desperate.
Money is such a fickle thing. I hate it but I love it; it's dangerous. Get greedy and it will never be enough; be frivolous and spend it all and then you have nothing to live on. Such a dilemma.
Anyway, my sister wants to go to LA in August too though, and my friends and I have been planning a day/weekend trip to a hot springs in August as well, so might as well make as much money as I can now before taking off and doing those things. I have another friend who is going to Korea in September and I kinda want to tag along, if she'll welcome me.
I get so torn doing trips though: I like having money in my bank account, but it's supposed to be spent and good times are supposed to be made with the earnings. It just sucks because after I quit my job, I won't have anything to come back to and my savings will dwindle down until I'm desperate.
Money is such a fickle thing. I hate it but I love it; it's dangerous. Get greedy and it will never be enough; be frivolous and spend it all and then you have nothing to live on. Such a dilemma.
Thursday, 2 June 2016
Mother
...I was going to write this whole blog post about how I hate my mom, like actually, truly hate her, but I'm over it.
Huh. That was fun.
How are you guys doing?
I'm okay, considering what's been going on in my life. I'm not even sure how to explain how I'm feeling because it's a lot. Would I even remember to come back to this blog to reminisce? I guess I should try: my dad gave me a very heated lecture a few days before he moved to the house my parents bought in the States, about how I'm not doing anything with my life and how I'm sucking the life out of my parents. That I'm at an age where I should be living on my own. After that, I started paying rent and buying my own groceries, stubbornly not eating any of the food my mom bought. Things were getting less awkward but that was stupidity because we were basically just ignoring the fact that we even had an "argument." Work is getting a little hectic because my store manager and the manager in training quit, and our district manager isn't doing anything to calm us all down; today was the MIT's last day at work. Otherwise, I like my job. These days, I'm finding less and less to do though because everything looks good. My sister moved back in with us yesterday (it was a surprise to me since no one told me) and it's weird having her around again. Then today, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Costco with her and I said yes. By the time we got down to the car though, she told me to go back up to the apartment because she didn't want me to come with her. I scoffed at her and asked why did she even ask me to go. She responded that she didn't expect me to say yes.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back to just making food for myself and ignoring the world because that's the kind of mood I'm in. I even thought if my mom died today, I'd be okay with it. Hell, if I died today, I'd be okay with that too. Maybe that'd be better for everyone. But I'm a coward, so someone else would have to kill me...It's sick that I hope every day that someone crashes their car into mine or that a drive-by shooting happens when I walk to and from work.
Huh. That was fun.
How are you guys doing?
I'm okay, considering what's been going on in my life. I'm not even sure how to explain how I'm feeling because it's a lot. Would I even remember to come back to this blog to reminisce? I guess I should try: my dad gave me a very heated lecture a few days before he moved to the house my parents bought in the States, about how I'm not doing anything with my life and how I'm sucking the life out of my parents. That I'm at an age where I should be living on my own. After that, I started paying rent and buying my own groceries, stubbornly not eating any of the food my mom bought. Things were getting less awkward but that was stupidity because we were basically just ignoring the fact that we even had an "argument." Work is getting a little hectic because my store manager and the manager in training quit, and our district manager isn't doing anything to calm us all down; today was the MIT's last day at work. Otherwise, I like my job. These days, I'm finding less and less to do though because everything looks good. My sister moved back in with us yesterday (it was a surprise to me since no one told me) and it's weird having her around again. Then today, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Costco with her and I said yes. By the time we got down to the car though, she told me to go back up to the apartment because she didn't want me to come with her. I scoffed at her and asked why did she even ask me to go. She responded that she didn't expect me to say yes.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back to just making food for myself and ignoring the world because that's the kind of mood I'm in. I even thought if my mom died today, I'd be okay with it. Hell, if I died today, I'd be okay with that too. Maybe that'd be better for everyone. But I'm a coward, so someone else would have to kill me...It's sick that I hope every day that someone crashes their car into mine or that a drive-by shooting happens when I walk to and from work.
Thursday, 21 April 2016
Blogging
Apparently blogging relieves anxiety in teens.
I'm no longer a teen, but I have realized in the last 30 minutes that I have anxiety more than I thought I did...
Everyone worries, obviously, but when do those worries become anxiety? How did I even get anxiety?
It...sucks how much I've changed in the past few years, because I don't like the person I've become. I totally addressed this in my last post. It's so frustrating because I do want to be someone else, someone I've been before, but there's no way I can go back to being that person because I don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending. I've become so much more sad and stoic and boring. I'm in my 20s for God's sake; I should be having the time of my life! But I'm not. I'm always at home, always in front of my laptop, always not talking to anyone in real life, always avoiding the important topics.
...I'm so pitiful.
I'm no longer a teen, but I have realized in the last 30 minutes that I have anxiety more than I thought I did...
Everyone worries, obviously, but when do those worries become anxiety? How did I even get anxiety?
It...sucks how much I've changed in the past few years, because I don't like the person I've become. I totally addressed this in my last post. It's so frustrating because I do want to be someone else, someone I've been before, but there's no way I can go back to being that person because I don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending. I've become so much more sad and stoic and boring. I'm in my 20s for God's sake; I should be having the time of my life! But I'm not. I'm always at home, always in front of my laptop, always not talking to anyone in real life, always avoiding the important topics.
...I'm so pitiful.
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