Shower Routine

I wanted to post my shower routine.

Generally, the steps are:

1. Wash my hair

2. Wash my face

3. Wash my body

And I do them in that order, always.

The other day, I washed my body first, and then my hair, and then my face…and I don’t know why I decided to switch it up like that. Maybe because I was thinking about shower routines, and how routine they are and how I’m sure everyone has a different routine…or do they? No one is going to comment their routine because no one reads this blog (this is basically for my own amusement and to get my thoughts out in the world so I can forget about them), but if I did ask what their shower routine was, would it be similar to mine? Because the purpose of a shower is to clean yourself…does the order matter to other people?

For me, I guess it’s a matter of just going top down. I think my head is the cleanest, and then going to the crotch area could be less clean so that’s usually the last step. It makes sense in my head! (Emphasizing the tagline of my blog lol.)

If I wanted to add more steps to my shower routine, I also have a pre-soak and a post-soak: I need to wet my hair and my body first before doing any of the lathering with shampoo/soap, and then relaxing a bit under the hot water before I walk out.

Hello

It has been about five years since my last post, and I kinda wanted to shout into the void in a longer format.

A lot has happened in five years and yet I don’t know how to quantify or qualify any of it.

I worked a job that broke my body.

I had sex for the first time.

Covid-19 happened.

I got kicked out of the house by my dad for the stupidest reason.

I moved into an apartment with my sister and her friend.

I worked another job that was decent until lockdown was lifted, and then the pay decreased significantly.

I got US citizenship.

I did therapy.

My sister and I moved back to Canada.

I got a job at the biggest coffee company in the world.

I got out of a depression that lasted about four years.

My sister’s and my relationship got better.

I travelled overseas for the first time.

I tried therapy again.

I got high for the first time.

I started feeling depressed again, and I have a negative outlook on everything, stemming from my work environment.

Overall, I know this terrible feeling is going to go away, but I have to sit in it right now and let it pass which is the worst part of this moment in my life. I feel like the mountains don’t feel as high as when the valleys feel so low. Why do the bad things feel so much worse than the good things feeling good? And the good moments feel so quick; the bad times feel like forever.

Spirit vs Soul

One of the definitions of spirit by Merriam-Webster goes like this: "an animating or vital principle held to give life to physical organisms."
The definition of soul is: "the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life."

What's the difference?

I was watching a sermon by Michael Todd from Transformation Church a couple days ago and it sounded like he was separating the two terms. The definitions given by the dictionary make it sound similar right? I even used the words interchangeably and thought of them as synonymous with each other.

Okay, I studied the definitions a little more.

Spirit can also be defined as a "temper or disposition of mind or outlook" and something that can "influence a person"; soul is "a person's total self" and the "moral and emotional nature of humans."

So, in the context of me, my spirit can be altered (can be high and low, I can be happy and sad) while my soul is who I am as a whole. Souls can also be related to the human race as a whole. At least, that's what I'm interpreting it as.

Mistake

I texted an...old sexting flame, for lack of a better term. The title says it all lol: it was a mistake.
It brought up old hurts and feelings. I kind of made it hard on him because he didn't have my number saved in his contact list, I made him guess who I was. It took him about two hours (mainly him just saying "plz tell me your name," "it's bugging me," "babe just tell me" as examples) and when he figured it out, the conversation ended in a couple minutes. After "hello"s and "how are you"s were exchanged, it stopped. I marinated with everything (all my thoughts, my feelings, my heart aching) for many hours afterwards and I...was and am an idiot.

I've been watching/listening to sermons on YouTube. The past many weeks, at church, we were challenging ourselves with growing in our faith by doing tailored goals. Since I am very unemployed at the moment, I gave myself more things to accomplish. One of the challenges was to find a YouTube channel that was Bible/faith based and listen to its videos (because that's basically what I do, I click on random videos so I can listen to them while I play games on my phone). I first found the Bible Project, which is a channel dedicated to making the Bible more accessible, kind of summarizing a book of the Bible in a few minutes or creating themes based on the stories. Then my sister posted a sermon in our Facebook message and I watched that, it was on anxiety. I didn't like the pastor's preaching style so I looked for other videos.
Ok, this is a really long explanation: I watched a series on relationship goals. While watching it, I realized a lot of these online relationships I started weren't good, and that a lot of them fizzled out anyway so I didn't have to worry about them. THEN I go out and seek one of them out like WTF ME. WHAT WERE YOU JUST LISTENING TO?! UGH.

So yeah. I'm an idiot.

The last thing I texted him was "what are you thinking?" and I haven't gotten a response. I'm giving him 24 hours lol, and then when it's all said and done, Imma just say I'm sorry...I'm debating on whether to block his number right after or not. The right thing to do would probably be to block him, but we had fun. I don't want it to end badly, although that's all I seem to know how to do, to end things badly instead of well.

And I'm still obsessing. Someone needs to slap me.

Wow + Update

Reading that last post made me remember what was happening at the time...Weird.

Since then, I got a job at a grocery store, in their online orders department. The world is becoming very web based, and that department was a response to that. I'm sure you all know what it is: essentially a personal shopper, an employee from the store shops for you according to the list you created and submitted on the company's site. Then in a certain hour, you're supposed to come and pick up your groceries from the store. Easy as that. I worked for 8 months as a regular associate, and then I applied to become one of the department's lead supervisors (an assistant manager) which I somehow got. The pay was good, but it wasn't worth the head games and stress. Coupled with the heart break I ended up suffering from, the next 8 months were pretty bad. Everything culminated in me quitting, and I am currently jobless and aimlessly wandering the house aka sitting in one spot and on my laptop all day.

I am wasting time. No doubt about it. Last week I got the bright idea of getting into arts and crafts again, mainly painting, knotting friendship bracelets, and folding paper stars. I took myself out on a date this week: a movie and lunch. Eating by myself was awkward though, it didn't used to be but it was. Probably because I'm less confident about everything.

Say Yes To The Dress is one of my favourite shows, and whenever it's on TV, I tend to leave it on in the background. It made me think of one of my childhood friends, if you can call her that. We mainly only saw each other at church, but after a couple years, she stopped coming, I'm not sure why. Anyway, this friend created her own company for bridal wear. I guess since I last checked up on her social media, she has created...four other companies, all still mostly related to bridal.
I have this issue with jealously, I've known I've had it for a long time. Back when I checked up on her, many years ago, I was definitely jealous. It felt like she was living a life I desperately wanted but had no idea of achieving. Now however, I'm happy for her, like genuinely happy. Also proud for some reason, even though I don't know her as a person anymore. Maybe because she made a name for herself, doing what she loves, and she's my age. Goes to show how opposite we are on the spectrum of life. Neither is good or bad, although I do feel horrible about wasting my life. (Volunteering is something that was suggested for me to do. I have past experiences with that activity that make me steer away from it.)

I wanted to comment on the Ellen/President Bush thing that happened recently. Except that I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it so I think I'll just leave it where it is. There's enough back and forth online.

Hope you all are well. See you around.

Meh

I'm not doing well.

I had logged out of Twitter for the holidays. I didn't end up staying logged out though, I logged back in the next day, I just didn't tweet or reply to any DMs. I unfollowed a bunch of people because I no longer talked to them or I didn't like their profiles anymore. One of the guys I unfollowed ended up messaging me, asking why I had done it. I said something petty, that I didn't want to compete with the other girls he DM'd with, I didn't want to see his profile anymore, and if the first thing he said to me in weeks was pertaining to an unfollow, then clearly we weren't friends. He replied back that if that was why I did what I did then I didn't know him at all and goodbye. And he blocked me. I got really sad and frustrated so I started crying. I couldn't really dwell in that sadness though because it was Christmas Eve and my mom's birthday so we had to go out to church and what not.

He's kind of put me in a funk though, and now that I'm kind of getting back into Twitter again, I'm realizing I'm only thinking about the guys who were kind and then horrible to me. How I still want to talk to them and want to be meet them and possibly fuck them. It's not fair. It's also not fair because these guys that I think about most are all in Australia. Like who decided that was the country I had to be obsessed with? Literally the worst country to like people from because they're the most ahead of me time-wise

I had the thought that when I unfollow people I should just soft block them if they also follow me. It would make it easier than seeing my follower count go down maybe, instead of me wondering who unfollowed me, I would know then and there. I didn't even know people trolled their own accounts, waiting for the day for someone to unfollow them and then unfollow that person as well. It's interesting and weird lol. I guess they have nothing better to do in their spare time, me included.

I don't know what to do though. I've thought about deactivating, but I know I'd be back in a time and scroll through my feed.

I was sexually frustrated one night. I went to bed around 11 but didn't fall asleep until 2 because I had been really horny and was mauling my own body and touching myself roughly, tossing and turning. I suddenly thought about someone I hadn't thought about for a long time: one guy I started chatting with basically from the beginning. He either had his account deleted because of the content or he deactivated without telling anyone. I missed him a lot when I couldn't DM him anymore, and I tried finding his Snapchat after I made an account, but I don't think the account linked to his Twitter handle is the same as Snapchat. Anyway, it made me miss him and want him but I didn't have a way of letting him know so I just let the memory pass.

I think my online presence isn't the same as it used to be. I'm less fun, less flirty, less carefree...It sucks. I'm not crying all the time but I am sad often. I'm better at pushing people away, always have been. I think everyone I've interacted with knows this. Maybe that's why he blocked me.

Floodgates

He opened them.

I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.

On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.

I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already;  I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.

I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.

Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.

Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.

I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.