Life and Death

Originally written (on actual paper) on October 14th, during my English (484W) class.
Disclosure: I believe in heaven and hell. If you don't, that's your opinion. I also swear at the end, which is uncommon in my posts. Deal.

I got this pang in my body (stomach?) and in my head. I know I've talked about my heart hurting in a previous blog post, but this is different. People talk about existential crises...What I just experienced was not it. It's like I saw my death and afterlife. I was just thinking about growing old.

No. Back up. My prof was talking about the definition of "mate" in Australia: it's your best friend, someone you would put before your blood relations and someone you would ultimately die for. My mate is a blood relative, and I was contemplating dying for her. Then I got to thinking about my parents, and would I die for them? I immediately answered no. This is when I had my flash forward moment.

Would I go to hell for thinking that, answering negatively? Then I remembered a time when my mom, or someone else, told me that in heaven, you wouldn't remember who was who in your physical life: Mom vs friend vs spouse, etc. And then I started wondering how I would react to seeing my family in heaven: if I would be civilized to m dad, or if I would hug my aunt, or if I would have a deep and meaningful conversation with my uncle.

Then I got scared. I don't know where I'm going to go after I die. I could burn in hell or do fun things in heaven. Right? And I won't have my physical body, right? I don't know! And that freaks the shit out of me. 80 years of living? What if I get raptured before getting to anything I wanted to do? That's fucking scary.