I Don't Have A Family

Mild swearing. Because I'm human.

The title sounds tres harsh, but I'm coming to believe that it's true.
I have a family. Duh. Everyone has a family, somewhere in the world. Mine have just been becoming obsolete.
Take my flesh-and-blood family. I don't know if we were ever close, but these days, we all do our own thing in different rooms. We used to eat dinners together, but now we don't. We used to be able to hold a conversation for a while, but now we can't; we didn't ever used to talk about the "important" things, but we don't even talk about the little things anymore! We don't ask each other questions, let each other know what should be done around the house (we just do it when we see it, and it's usually me or my mom who does it)...it's getting strained.
These past couple weeks, we've been without the main caretaker of the house: my mom was in Korea, visiting family and sight-seeing. The first week was ok: we had food and that's basically all we need to function. The second week started to really kill me: I go to school full-time (readings, presentation preps, and papers are taking up a lot of my time now. It's crunch time in the land of post-secondary school), and taking care of a dad who doesn't do shit (even though he's been home, sitting on his ass in front of the computer because his company is on strike. Lazy fuck) because, "It's the woman's job to do the shopping, cooking and cleaning, and you need to learn how to do it," and a sister who is barely home because she also goes to school full-time and works part-time but stays cooped up in her room once she is home is not a walk in the park.
First of all, I would happily do the shopping, but I do NOT have a Costco card, and that is where we do most of our shopping. I'm also not the breadwinner of the house, so spending money out of what I have in my account is rough on tuition money for the future. Second of all, my dad can cook. So can my sister. They can do the basics, but it's enough to keep them alive. Plus, we had a lot of frozen food in the freezer, so either of them could have just popped a pizza in the oven and ate. Also, there is a thing known as take-out. But my dad in particular is picky, because he's over 50 years old and he wants all of his food to be Korean. And there's no way in hell that I make Korean food, because (a) I don't want it every day of the rest of the my life and (b) I can't make it/don't want to learn how to make it. Lastly, there is only so much a girl can do with cleaning: I can do dishes, I can unload a dishwasher, I can sweep the floor, I can do laundry. I am not willing to do it every day that my mom isn't here however; everyone else should pitch in, am I right? NO ONE DID. Shitheads. I cannot (or will not) lug a 50 lb vacuum all over the house...and that's the only scenario in which I can think of that I won't do in the department of cleaning.

That kind of went into more than I wanted it to, but you get the point. We are just a bunch of individuals living under the same roof; we are not a family.

As to my family at camp, I've sort of cut them out. At least, in my head. I also wrote a letter to one of the interns that works there, telling him the reason I won't be coming out this year. It's mostly to do with me not liking the changes that the new director is making, but I can't say anything about them because, well, there wouldn't be a point. I also feel as though I'm super dependent on the place, to relax and to fellowship with other Christians...The last time I went, I didn't feel relaxed and I didn't really want to spend time with the people. The atmosphere is not as pleasant to me as it used to be, so I've just decided to not go at all this year. Quitting cold turkey. So far, it's going ok. But I'm thinking people will start to wonder why I'm not there (not to sound selfish or brag-y or anything) as the year goes on.

As for my friends, they're not close enough for me to consider them family. At one time, maybe. But now, I don't have friends [from school] who I would talk to on a regular basis to let them know what's up, how my mind is feeling, why I'm so freaking stressed out, etc.

I was thinking I should go see a therapist, just to get my brain all sorted out, get my feelings out in the open and in check...Then I realized I don't want to pay for a therapist at the moment. So maybe I should look into free therapy sessions? I don't even know if those exist...*Google*

Alright guys, sorry for the ranty bit at the beginning. But I needed to get all the feels out. Especially after the half hour cry I had before I started typing. Yeah, I know, emo girl, right here. ;)

Sleep

Hey guys,

I wanted to make a journal-style post this time, so I hope you don't mind.
I've been having a hard time sleeping: turning off my bedroom light only to bring my laptop on my lap, sitting on my bed, surfing fanfiction and social media sites. I have been listening to ASMR (see previous blog post about ASMR), and it's nice (I love the tingly sensations I get from listening to it), but it doesn't always help me fall asleep (because I'm doing other things on the computer, like reading fanfiction and tweeting about every little thing and thought). My eyes are hurting though. They're a bit sore and achy whenever I do close my eyes, so that's a problem. I definitely need to sleep...I guess I've just been going to bed late, usually in the 1 to 2 AM range. Which is bad. Because I need my rest. The body needs rest in general. My mind just wants to keep going and take in every Tom Hiddleston pic and Avengers fanfiction out there. TMI? ;)

You people been getting your recommended 6-8 hours of sleep? You better be...Gah, who am I to judge. I've been getting 7-ish when I really need 10-12 XD

<3

Music Selfishness

I love music. And I love finding new music. Recently, I've found a lot of stuff from "lesser-know" [Canadian] artists and it's all amazing! I wish it was easier to find new music...

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I'm very selfish about my music. I mean, when I find a song or an artist I love immediately, I want to spread the word about it/him/her. However, sometimes when you post a good song on social media, no one ever really listens to it. I've definitely been guilty of this: scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, for example, and passing a YouTube music video one of my friend's has dubbed "the best ever."
Then again, there are other times when I share a song with a friend and they get super into it and/or the artist too. This is where the selfishness comes in: I want to keep the artist to myself and not have other people obsess over him/her. Although it's good for the artist when more people know about him/her because fame/money is one of the ultimate goals for singers (right?), I would rather keep him/her to myself.

Alas, this will never be, because someone else might accidentally stumble onto this person as well, and I have no control over that. So I have a very hypocritical way of looking at music I love ;)

Do any of you guys feel the same way?

University Books

If you didn't know, I'm in university (4th year; almost done!!!). And I've noticed that there are certain things that bother me about books, especially because I buy them used. Namely, the fact that just about everyone writes inside the margins or in between the lines/highlights certain phrases. Or, if you take a book out of the library, the entire thing is covered in pink highlighter, which is dumb, because it's a book from the library.
So, there are a few things I want to get off my chest, about university books, and books, in general.

1. Do not EVER dog-ear a page.
2. Do NOT write on the pages of a book.
3. If #2 is unavoidable:
   a) Only write where necessary. Ie. if you don't know the meaning of a word, write down a different meaning.
   b) Use a pencil and NOT a pen or highlighter.
      i) When using said pencil, write lightly. Do not EVER create indentations in the page because this creates a certain displeasure to the person who takes over ownership of said book and who wants to erase the pencil markings 

I think that's it. For now. If I think of more to add to the list, I will certainly edit this post. Also, let me know if there's anything you think I should add to the list.

I would also encourage you to read Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. I took #1 from this book, because the characters are book lovers, and also discourage dog-earring pages ^^ It's also a good read, if you have time.

Celebrity Obsession

I don't know about you guys, but sometimes I get *kindof* obsessed with celebrities, namely well-known male actors. I'm currently on a Tom Hiddleston stint, that has not worn off for the past week or so. (I'm watching BBC's "The Hollow Crown" at the moment and it's marvelous. I'd recommend it if you have 8 hours to spare...2 hours an episode. Yup. Brits be crazy.)

This got me thinking about my daydreams and bucket lists and so on. Like, some people make it a life goal to meet the celebrity they love: a musician, an actor, an athlete, an author, and the list goes on. And some of those people take it to the extreme, by Facebook messaging and emailing and sending physical mail and tweeting them non-stop. (I'm not gonna lie, I've thought about it with Mr. Hiddleston. I follow him on Twitter and check it regularly...Don't judge.)

Then I thought about how the celebrities must feel when this happens to them, this over-abundant wave of "love" from an adoring aka obsessed fan. Do they think, "Oh God, not him/her," and/or, "I need a restraining order"? What if this fan spammed them tastefully...if that's even possible? Would said celebrity not feel exposed to the world/embarrassed/harassed/scared?

There are many times when I would just love the opportunity to sit down with a well-known person and just ask them what it's like. Does he hate it, does she love it, does he ever wonder how has this happened to me and why? Does she appreciate it? Does she get confused every once in a while as to how she got where she is? (I'm using these articles spread all over the place, sorry if it's confusing you!)
And then I wonder if they just want to be treated "like a normal person" some days. For example, has he ever been mobbed at a clothing store by patrons and staff alike and would he like that to not happen? Also, do staff people freak out when they see a famous person walk through the door and start fangirling? Or do they have to be professional and keep all their emotions inside? And if the latter, does the famous person ever get confused and be like, "Don't you know who I am?!"?

I'd like to think that I'd be normal and not freak out when I see a celebrity in the street, but the situation hasn't happened to me yet (I've definitely daydreamed about it though)...or it might not ever happen. We'll see what the future holds.

What do you guys think about celebrity crushes? Hate them, love them, get weirded out by them as I'm doing right now?

Confession #1

Is it horrible to say I don't have any friends?

My definition of a friend is someone who cares; who will listen to everything aggravating, depressing, shocking, exciting; who wants to get to know you; who you're comfortable to be with; and who doesn't become awkward after one silence. I find that this happens to me with everyone I know. I think I'm the problem with all of my friendships: I've become more of a recluse than when I was younger, choosing to be alone and in my room, conversing with strangers on the internet instead of out and about in the real world with real people. I don't text my friends as often as I used to, or I'd rather be eloquent in a text instead of in person. I'd rather be reading fan fiction than at a party; drinking water instead of alcohol; writing a blog post instead of talking to someone.
At one time, I would have considered my sister to be my best friend, the person I could tell anything to. Now, I can't, because I don't even know who she is anymore.

People change. Or they don't. I've heard both. I think I'm just my younger self magnified: I haven't grown up yet. And I don't want to. But I don't think I have a choice, do I? Everyone has to become independent and responsible at some point. Unfortunately, I've delayed my adulthood and it's going to blindside me. I'm not looking forward to it.

My No Filter Show Vancouver 2013 Review

On December 19th, 2013, Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart, and Mamrie Hart (also known as the Holy Trinity on YouTube) kicked their northwest No Filter [comedy] Show tour off in Vancouver at 7 pm at the Rio Theatre. Being a big YouTube fan, especially a fan of these three women, I asked my sister to buy my ticket for me for Christmas, and we went. And I left disappointed.

Firstly, doors would open to VIP ticket holders at 6 (which included a poster and a t-shirt, I believe) and the non-VIP ticket holders would get to enter the theatre at 6:30; therefore, being a non-VIP, my sister and I waited in an already formed line at 5:30. We did get into the theatre on time, however the show did not start until 7:30, a full thirty minutes after the re-scheduled start time. I half-heartedly joked in that half hour about how they were all divas, although something could have gone wrong in that time and I didn't know about it.

The show went well. I laughed and screamed and clapped to my heart's content. When the show ended, I thought it might have been around 9:30, 10 at the latest. The second thing I was not happy about was that it was only 8:40. I thought that the show was going to be at least 1.5 hours, but I guess with any comedy show, there comes a point where enough is enough.
As expected with any YouTube gathering of any kind, there were fans who wanted to meet with the vlogging stars and many stood inside the theatre waiting for the Holy Trinity to appear once more, to say hi, get a hug, and take a quick picture. But, they didn't show.
Soon thereafter (maybe 5 to 10 minutes), security and management were inside the theatre, telling people it was time to exit the seating area. So we stayed in the foyer. Then, we were told that it was actually time to get out of the entire building, because they were closing up.

I just want to insert here that the only reason I wanted to see the three ladies is because I had letters (and bracelets inside the envelopes) for them, since November of 2012, since I bought tickets to see them at VidCon 2013 in Anaheim this past August. I expected to give the letters to them at VidCon, but didn't realize the sheer volume of people that would be at the convention. I hope there are other people that agree with me out there, but I wasn't willing to spend 2 hours in a line (at VidCon) to get 2 seconds with three people I liked to learn about via social media.

I asked the [possible] manager if he could give something to the women, but he flat-out said no. Many were standing outside the front of the theatre, including myself and my sister, waiting for Grace, Hannah, and Mamrie to come out. 50 fans dwindled down to 20 and then 15. When it came closer to our departure time, a girl and a couple of her friends were saying that Hannah Hart was at the back of the theatre, that they got pictures with her, and that if we ran, we'd be able to catch her. So we did.
Unfortunately, we missed her, and were met by security and the manager. He said that we needed to clear the area because residents around the theatre were complaining about the noise.

First of all, what noise? Because we, the people at the front of the theatre, were not shouting, yelling, cursing, clapping our hands, or stomping our feet. There may have been some LGs in the alleyway, screaming when they saw one third of the trinity, but it wasn't us. Second of all, if he just didn't want us there, he should've just told us. No need for bullshit like, "It's cold out, I know it's cold [rubs his own arms for effect], so you guys should leave." WTF, I am sorry. $25 for an hour of a show and you're trying to *convince* me that I need to leave?
And lastly, clearly he knows nothing about YouTube, or me for that matter, because I would not scream in someone's face for the first time because I love them, I would have left if he asked nicely, and internet people can be persistent.

I got upset and wanted to cry because I was so frustrated with everything, and we needed to leave. I didn't know where everyone else at the show was from, but my sister and I lived 2 hours away by transit, so we had to leave in order to catch the bus we needed to take to make our commute shorter.

I didn't even need a picture or even *meet* the ladies. As much as I want to give them a hug, I would love to just get these letters off my hands, they've been with me for too long. I would've given them to someone who would actually get them to the women, but no one was willing. The letters are extremely outdated now, and will be until I [maybe] get them to the Trinity, but at least they would have the bracelets. My sister and I didn't talk on our way home; I can't speak for my sister, but it was because I was not happy. I did tell her that I wanted to bury the letters so I would never have to see them again (and she added that I should burn them).






A lot of  "what ifs" went through my sister's head too, and she shared them with me. For example, what if we considered going to the back alley? What if we asked security/management where the women were nicely? What if we had gone up to them while they were on stage to give them my letters?
All useless, but you wonder and question yourself all the same.

So I don't know why you wouldn't meet your fans in a smaller setting, Holy Trinity. I don't understand.


I'll get over it. Eventually. But for right now, I'm sulking and marinating in my self-pity.
Have you ever been let down by a "celebrity" because of the way they acted or the way they handled "fame"? Let me know in the comments below.