Life

It has been a while.

I also seem to only ever post when I'm sad and/or discouraged. Well.

These days I'm not feeling like myself. Actually, I don't even know who I am anymore so I can't really pinpoint what "feeling like myself" really means. I'm just...lost? Feeling alone? I want to talk to someone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I've thought about looking up a psychiatrist or therapist, but I'm not in a position to pay someone to listen to what I have to say. Also, I wouldn't even know where to start if I physically went to a head doctor...Would I start talking about my childhood like in the movies? Or would I just start talking about what's bothering me right now? And then, in my head and like in the movies, the doctor would just say, "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about," and then I'd be screwed and probably not ever want to talk. Or I'd just keep talking and not stop for however long a session is (most likely an hour) and the doctor wouldn't even have time to give me advice and just shoo me out the door...I swear, the things in my head.
I'm probably clinically crazy.

If I had friends who were good at listening and who actually cared about me, then I'd be set, but I don't have anyone like that. Or at least, I haven't ever felt I have anyone like that.

I also don't feel happy. My ultimate dream in life is to be happy, I realized. I don't need a husband, a big house, or cars...I just want to be happy to be alive and to be living. Right now, I'm not feeling that way at all. For the past couple weeks, I've had the thought that if I died, I'd be okay with it, because I have nothing exciting going on, because no one cares. My parents and I don't have conversations anymore, we're basically strangers in our own home; my sister doesn't live with me so it kinda feels like we're intruding on each other's life when we see each other; and I don't talk with the rest of my family on any kind of basis (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents).

So yeah. That's where I'm at. Good stuff right?