I'm a Horrible Person

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Someone on Twitter pointed out I don't start the conversation in messaging. And it's true. I tend to wake up to messages from people so I talk to those people first. I get caught up in those exchanges and don't really think about other people. Unless it's my TC. But I'm giving up hope for him...

I like the people I talk to. I would love to meet them in person. However, there's also the fact that I can't do much for them. I can't touch them when I want to and give them hugs. I can't feel their touch when they describe it.

I think I had a lot more fun at the beginning, when I didn't talk to so many people. When it was just a few regular people. Now it's kind of a rotation of gents. And no ladies.
I think they're all good people. I just wonder if they think of me as just a means to an end. Just someone to help them get off. Probably. That's how I should think of them too, it's just that I'd like more, even if I've told many guys I just want to have fun and have no real commitment.
I'd like more with one person in particular. That won't ever happen though. I know it won't. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. It's like pulling teeth, and I feel like he doesn't want to continue the conversation.

My mind has been out of sorts too. I don't know what I want anymore.

Oh, I've also been on a masturbation ban ha. Because I've been feeling weird and the orgasms hasn't been as satisfying as they used to be, someone suggested I go on a break for a while. I decided to go along with it, but maybe that was a mistake. Or maybe it was good for me, as it gave me time to think about my horniness and also about myself in general.
I've thought I can't do a job in customer service, but I could do a job in retail that doesn't have customer service (I used to do floor sets at the retail places I worked at; I could do that again, but not at the places I've already worked, because no). Or a job at night where it doesn't involve interacting with many people. Organizing would be nice too, as long as whatever I organized stayed organized aka no one touched what I organized.

I also finally "read" the next chapter of my interior design course, which means I skim read it. It was dumb. I scrolled all the way down the assignment part and saw that it pertained to just the last ten pages of the reading. So I'm skipping the reading and just doing the assignment. I'll have the chapter in my files forever; if I need to refer back to it in the future, I can do so.

So yeah, that's it. Just me having existential crises all over the place and being okay and then not okay and then happy and then frustrated and then crying...Mhm. Good stuff.

I hope you all have been well. Let me know what you've been up to so far this week!

(I've been sucking at vlogging and blogging this month...Not so much of a VEDIS/BEDIS :\ )