Blogging

Apparently blogging relieves anxiety in teens.

I'm no longer a teen, but I have realized in the last 30 minutes that I have anxiety more than I thought I did...

Everyone worries, obviously, but when do those worries become anxiety? How did I even get anxiety?

It...sucks how much I've changed in the past few years, because I don't like the person I've become. I totally addressed this in my last post. It's so frustrating because I do want to be someone else, someone I've been before, but there's no way I can go back to being that person because I don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending. I've become so much more sad and stoic and boring. I'm in my 20s for God's sake; I should be having the time of my life! But I'm not. I'm always at home, always in front of my laptop, always not talking to anyone in real life, always avoiding the important topics.

...I'm so pitiful.

Self-Diagnosed Depression

I'm in my own head a lot these days. And I think it's turning out for the worst...I don't have anyone to talk to so I talk to myself, I figure out problems by myself, I tell myself I'll be fine, I'm alone most of the time anyway so I just deal with it by myself. Keeping it in is the worst part because I'm scared I'm going to self destruct and I don't want that to happen.
I don't remember if I mentioned in my last post that I've thought about looking for a therapist. I have been though. Something's keeping me from actually Googling anything though. There's a stigma attached to seeing head doctors, and while I don't believe it myself, my dad does. He thinks it's weird going to a stranger to talk about your issues, he thinks whatever problems you have can be figured out internally/with your own family. I don't think that way, but my hesitation comes from anxiety: what if going to see someone ends up making whatever's wrong with me worse than it is? What if this person does more harm than good? And what happens after that? I know reviews of people in this profession exist, but I'm not really into reviews. Everything in this world is subjective, so you can't always take a person's word as it is. Like in university, a lot of people didn't like a certain professor, but when I ended up taking his class, I thought he was a good teacher. It's all about perspective, and my opinions were different from everyone else's. I also don't read movie reviews or watch trailers because my perception could be altered from these things; I'm good at finding my own conclusions about everything.
But I'm horrible at ending blog posts. My personal journal entires I'm fine with ending however, but since this is made available for the public to see, it's harder.
I used to be okay with myself. I was in a good place. I can't say I was ever completely miserable before, but I knew I was on the uptake: I was happy with who I was and I was excited for what was going to come in the future. Now, I'm falling and I'm falling hard. I'm some place worse than I was when I was sad the first time, and I really don't like it. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel (which is such a cliché way of saying it), but I can't. I don't know what to do.

Life

It has been a while.

I also seem to only ever post when I'm sad and/or discouraged. Well.

These days I'm not feeling like myself. Actually, I don't even know who I am anymore so I can't really pinpoint what "feeling like myself" really means. I'm just...lost? Feeling alone? I want to talk to someone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I've thought about looking up a psychiatrist or therapist, but I'm not in a position to pay someone to listen to what I have to say. Also, I wouldn't even know where to start if I physically went to a head doctor...Would I start talking about my childhood like in the movies? Or would I just start talking about what's bothering me right now? And then, in my head and like in the movies, the doctor would just say, "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about," and then I'd be screwed and probably not ever want to talk. Or I'd just keep talking and not stop for however long a session is (most likely an hour) and the doctor wouldn't even have time to give me advice and just shoo me out the door...I swear, the things in my head.
I'm probably clinically crazy.

If I had friends who were good at listening and who actually cared about me, then I'd be set, but I don't have anyone like that. Or at least, I haven't ever felt I have anyone like that.

I also don't feel happy. My ultimate dream in life is to be happy, I realized. I don't need a husband, a big house, or cars...I just want to be happy to be alive and to be living. Right now, I'm not feeling that way at all. For the past couple weeks, I've had the thought that if I died, I'd be okay with it, because I have nothing exciting going on, because no one cares. My parents and I don't have conversations anymore, we're basically strangers in our own home; my sister doesn't live with me so it kinda feels like we're intruding on each other's life when we see each other; and I don't talk with the rest of my family on any kind of basis (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents).

So yeah. That's where I'm at. Good stuff right?

"Religion"

I've been thinking about what I believe in recently. I know I believe in God, but what most people think of when the term "Christian" is mentioned tends to have a bad connotation. Which isn't all that great for those who do consider themselves Christians.

My definition of a Christian is someone who has a relationship with God; someone who is Christ-like; someone who treats others as he/she would want to be treated...It has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday, Bible-thumping, telling everyone that they're going to hell if they don't believe in God. The people who do that mean well, but I wouldn't want to be bombarded like that if I didn't believe.

I went to church today. I haven't been in the past couple weeks because of work and because I was tired from work. I realized I don't like church, or "organized religion," because to me, that's what it is. It's fake. The pastors and those involved with the church just make me uncomfortable with their constant "take part in some way, volunteer, do something helpful every Sunday," and if you miss a week, it feels like you're condemned and everyone just avoids you.
The "community" isn't a community at all...The word community is fake in itself. Everyone only ever looks out for themselves, and I think it's creepy if someone you don't consider a friend tries to get some insight into your life when you didn't ask them for advice or whatever.

Aand back to my normal, not so serious writing tone XD
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! I've been away as you noticed, mostly just working. I haven't checked this blog in a long time, and I haven't updated my dream blog in a long time too...I'm sad I haven't kept up with it, even though I have notes of past dreams still kicking around my room. I haven't been able to remember a lot of my dreams recently as well: I don't have a bedside table anymore so I can't jot down notes on a notepad as soon as I wake up, and I find taking notes on my phone to be not as effective (ie. I don't like typing on my phone as soon as I wake up).
I guess to just recap the last half 2015: I moved to an apartment, I've been working at my two workplaces, and I recently quit from one of my workplaces (I got demoted because I requested time off, so I figured I should just leave because what the hell kind of reason is that) and will just be working at the other. WOOT. I hope you all are well, that you had a Merry Christmas, and that your 2016 will be absolutely marvellous!

New Things, kinda

I think I make people awkward.

I got a job at the beginning of the month (woot woot!), and I like the work. So far, I have just been stocking shelves and organizing and making things look pretty, which I don't mind because I love doing those things normally. But I don't think the people I work with like me very much. Or I'm just too weird to be around society/I make them uncomfortable some how...Or maybe it's just me over analyzing things. This is not a good skill to have, I'm sure, but I somehow make it work for myself. Anyway, I'm mostly just on call (perks of being a part-timer), which is frustrating, but what can I do? It's not my place to ask for more work, and if they don't need me on certain days, that's fine. After calling work to see if they needed me today (which they didn't), I actually got a call for a job interview. It's on Friday, and I'm nervous and excited. It'd be great to get the job, so I'd have more work and make a bit more money, so I'm not just constantly sitting on my ass at home.

I've been thinking about going to finally ask about volunteering at a free trade store in my city too, as well as taking some bar tending classes to get certification. I've been interested in mixology for a while now, and I keep telling people I'm going to do something about it, but I haven't yet. So I guess now would be a perfect time.

I'm still doing pilates too, just not as regularly as before. (I don't remember if I actually told you guys about my pilates exercising, but oh well. Now you know!)

Hope you are all doing well ^^

Being Introverted

I'm an introvert.

There's no shame in that. But I didn't realize how much of an introvert I am until this past week.

On Monday, I finally went to the mall to hand out resumes for a job. The teaching-English-in-Korea obsession is waning a little, and I've already spent five months just being at home, writing, social networking, watching movies and shows: I figured it's about time I got out of the house and made a little bit of money. Anyway, by the time Wednesday rolled around, I got calls from two stores for two interviews. The first one was not as bad as the second one. I was more comfortable with the interviewer, talking normally, and being in my own skin. I paused a lot during the first interview, however, because I hadn't been on an interview in a long time and I didn't really know how to answer the questions because I didn't have any recent job experience. With the second one, I was definitely more nervous because I had to be in business dress (I wasn't comfortable at all), the questions were more specific, and I found myself choking up and wanting to cry a few times. I think I answered the questions better than in my first interview though, because I had gone through the first interview so I could think of answers quicker.

So the reason I bring up my introverted-ness is because the second interviewer said that she could tell I was an introvert by looking at my resume. I was a bit put off by how she said it, like it was a bad thing, but I rallied and answered her question: practice makes perfect, I would have to force myself to go up to people in the beginning, but eventually I would be comfortable going up to people to ask if they needed help with anything, since it is a customer service job and you have to take the initiative to go up to a customer. (Now I realize I could have added that I am a helpful person by nature, so even though I am an introvert, I would help someone if they needed it, in a retail setting.)

I got home and burst into tears: my nerves were shot and I was actually hoping that these two stores would not call me back for the job. I got a call a couple hours ago from a different store for a group interview. I said yes, since I need to get used to this interview business, and it'll be my first group interview. I started looking online for group interview tips, which led me to how to write a resume, to how a resume should/could look. I started to get distressed watching the how to videos on YouTube, because I don't have relevant and recent work experience, I don't have skills/talents/strengths, I didn't take part in clubs or extra curricular activities at school: I have nothing to boast about. What in the hell did these people see in me or my resume to want to give me an interview? What did they think of me after the interview?

I heard that the things that make you scared help you grow as a person. Well, I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm going deeper and deeper into myself. Let me be a hermit. Leave me alone.


Unfortunately, society looks down on that. There's no way I'd be able to do the things I want to do and be by myself. I'm starting to not want to do those things these days too, just so I can be solitary. Something is wrong with me, right? Is this my huge cry for help?

I don't know what to do.

Being Korean American...Or More Specifically, Canadian

Two posts in one day, it's a miracle!

Going to Korea has been on my bucket list for a long time. Now that I have finished my schooling, it's time I check that thing off, right? I thought so too.

I've been going through the process of finding out how to teach in Korea, emailing hiring agencies, getting my visa...Except that I'm hitting a lot of walls. The main wall is my university degree: I need it as proof that I actually finished a Bachelor's.

So, I'm not actually here, writing to complain about my troubles with getting to the motherland (even though I really want to, and I clearly haven't finished the above thought).

I want to start another blog. I already have this one and a dream blog, but now I want one mainly to do with this process of going to Korea, to be an English teacher. I don't know what to call it though! I don't know what the title of the blog should be or what I should call the blog. You know, paulajaey.blogspot.ca is called Muchaga and paulajaeydreams.blogspot.ca is called Once Upon A Dream. I don't really want to do paulajaeytravels because I want the blog to be about me being a Korean Canadian *in Korea,* even though I'm not in Korea yet. I tried looking for inspiration in other blogs, but I can't seem to do it, because the blogs all belong to white people. Not that I have anything against Caucasians...but they're everywhere online. I can't seem to find someone who is Asian American and going through an experience I'm going through.

I guess I'll have to be that person. Once I figure out a name XD Anyone wanna help me? Please? ^^