Shower Routine

I wanted to post my shower routine.

Generally, the steps are:

1. Wash my hair

2. Wash my face

3. Wash my body

And I do them in that order, always.

The other day, I washed my body first, and then my hair, and then my face…and I don’t know why I decided to switch it up like that. Maybe because I was thinking about shower routines, and how routine they are and how I’m sure everyone has a different routine…or do they? No one is going to comment their routine because no one reads this blog (this is basically for my own amusement and to get my thoughts out in the world so I can forget about them), but if I did ask what their shower routine was, would it be similar to mine? Because the purpose of a shower is to clean yourself…does the order matter to other people?

For me, I guess it’s a matter of just going top down. I think my head is the cleanest, and then going to the crotch area could be less clean so that’s usually the last step. It makes sense in my head! (Emphasizing the tagline of my blog lol.)

If I wanted to add more steps to my shower routine, I also have a pre-soak and a post-soak: I need to wet my hair and my body first before doing any of the lathering with shampoo/soap, and then relaxing a bit under the hot water before I walk out.

Hello

It has been about five years since my last post, and I kinda wanted to shout into the void in a longer format.

A lot has happened in five years and yet I don’t know how to quantify or qualify any of it.

I worked a job that broke my body.

I had sex for the first time.

Covid-19 happened.

I got kicked out of the house by my dad for the stupidest reason.

I moved into an apartment with my sister and her friend.

I worked another job that was decent until lockdown was lifted, and then the pay decreased significantly.

I got US citizenship.

I did therapy.

My sister and I moved back to Canada.

I got a job at the biggest coffee company in the world.

I got out of a depression that lasted about four years.

My sister’s and my relationship got better.

I travelled overseas for the first time.

I tried therapy again.

I got high for the first time.

I started feeling depressed again, and I have a negative outlook on everything, stemming from my work environment.

Overall, I know this terrible feeling is going to go away, but I have to sit in it right now and let it pass which is the worst part of this moment in my life. I feel like the mountains don’t feel as high as when the valleys feel so low. Why do the bad things feel so much worse than the good things feeling good? And the good moments feel so quick; the bad times feel like forever.

Spirit vs Soul

One of the definitions of spirit by Merriam-Webster goes like this: "an animating or vital principle held to give life to physical organisms."
The definition of soul is: "the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life."

What's the difference?

I was watching a sermon by Michael Todd from Transformation Church a couple days ago and it sounded like he was separating the two terms. The definitions given by the dictionary make it sound similar right? I even used the words interchangeably and thought of them as synonymous with each other.

Okay, I studied the definitions a little more.

Spirit can also be defined as a "temper or disposition of mind or outlook" and something that can "influence a person"; soul is "a person's total self" and the "moral and emotional nature of humans."

So, in the context of me, my spirit can be altered (can be high and low, I can be happy and sad) while my soul is who I am as a whole. Souls can also be related to the human race as a whole. At least, that's what I'm interpreting it as.

Mistake

I texted an...old sexting flame, for lack of a better term. The title says it all lol: it was a mistake.
It brought up old hurts and feelings. I kind of made it hard on him because he didn't have my number saved in his contact list, I made him guess who I was. It took him about two hours (mainly him just saying "plz tell me your name," "it's bugging me," "babe just tell me" as examples) and when he figured it out, the conversation ended in a couple minutes. After "hello"s and "how are you"s were exchanged, it stopped. I marinated with everything (all my thoughts, my feelings, my heart aching) for many hours afterwards and I...was and am an idiot.

I've been watching/listening to sermons on YouTube. The past many weeks, at church, we were challenging ourselves with growing in our faith by doing tailored goals. Since I am very unemployed at the moment, I gave myself more things to accomplish. One of the challenges was to find a YouTube channel that was Bible/faith based and listen to its videos (because that's basically what I do, I click on random videos so I can listen to them while I play games on my phone). I first found the Bible Project, which is a channel dedicated to making the Bible more accessible, kind of summarizing a book of the Bible in a few minutes or creating themes based on the stories. Then my sister posted a sermon in our Facebook message and I watched that, it was on anxiety. I didn't like the pastor's preaching style so I looked for other videos.
Ok, this is a really long explanation: I watched a series on relationship goals. While watching it, I realized a lot of these online relationships I started weren't good, and that a lot of them fizzled out anyway so I didn't have to worry about them. THEN I go out and seek one of them out like WTF ME. WHAT WERE YOU JUST LISTENING TO?! UGH.

So yeah. I'm an idiot.

The last thing I texted him was "what are you thinking?" and I haven't gotten a response. I'm giving him 24 hours lol, and then when it's all said and done, Imma just say I'm sorry...I'm debating on whether to block his number right after or not. The right thing to do would probably be to block him, but we had fun. I don't want it to end badly, although that's all I seem to know how to do, to end things badly instead of well.

And I'm still obsessing. Someone needs to slap me.

Wow + Update

Reading that last post made me remember what was happening at the time...Weird.

Since then, I got a job at a grocery store, in their online orders department. The world is becoming very web based, and that department was a response to that. I'm sure you all know what it is: essentially a personal shopper, an employee from the store shops for you according to the list you created and submitted on the company's site. Then in a certain hour, you're supposed to come and pick up your groceries from the store. Easy as that. I worked for 8 months as a regular associate, and then I applied to become one of the department's lead supervisors (an assistant manager) which I somehow got. The pay was good, but it wasn't worth the head games and stress. Coupled with the heart break I ended up suffering from, the next 8 months were pretty bad. Everything culminated in me quitting, and I am currently jobless and aimlessly wandering the house aka sitting in one spot and on my laptop all day.

I am wasting time. No doubt about it. Last week I got the bright idea of getting into arts and crafts again, mainly painting, knotting friendship bracelets, and folding paper stars. I took myself out on a date this week: a movie and lunch. Eating by myself was awkward though, it didn't used to be but it was. Probably because I'm less confident about everything.

Say Yes To The Dress is one of my favourite shows, and whenever it's on TV, I tend to leave it on in the background. It made me think of one of my childhood friends, if you can call her that. We mainly only saw each other at church, but after a couple years, she stopped coming, I'm not sure why. Anyway, this friend created her own company for bridal wear. I guess since I last checked up on her social media, she has created...four other companies, all still mostly related to bridal.
I have this issue with jealously, I've known I've had it for a long time. Back when I checked up on her, many years ago, I was definitely jealous. It felt like she was living a life I desperately wanted but had no idea of achieving. Now however, I'm happy for her, like genuinely happy. Also proud for some reason, even though I don't know her as a person anymore. Maybe because she made a name for herself, doing what she loves, and she's my age. Goes to show how opposite we are on the spectrum of life. Neither is good or bad, although I do feel horrible about wasting my life. (Volunteering is something that was suggested for me to do. I have past experiences with that activity that make me steer away from it.)

I wanted to comment on the Ellen/President Bush thing that happened recently. Except that I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it so I think I'll just leave it where it is. There's enough back and forth online.

Hope you all are well. See you around.

Meh

I'm not doing well.

I had logged out of Twitter for the holidays. I didn't end up staying logged out though, I logged back in the next day, I just didn't tweet or reply to any DMs. I unfollowed a bunch of people because I no longer talked to them or I didn't like their profiles anymore. One of the guys I unfollowed ended up messaging me, asking why I had done it. I said something petty, that I didn't want to compete with the other girls he DM'd with, I didn't want to see his profile anymore, and if the first thing he said to me in weeks was pertaining to an unfollow, then clearly we weren't friends. He replied back that if that was why I did what I did then I didn't know him at all and goodbye. And he blocked me. I got really sad and frustrated so I started crying. I couldn't really dwell in that sadness though because it was Christmas Eve and my mom's birthday so we had to go out to church and what not.

He's kind of put me in a funk though, and now that I'm kind of getting back into Twitter again, I'm realizing I'm only thinking about the guys who were kind and then horrible to me. How I still want to talk to them and want to be meet them and possibly fuck them. It's not fair. It's also not fair because these guys that I think about most are all in Australia. Like who decided that was the country I had to be obsessed with? Literally the worst country to like people from because they're the most ahead of me time-wise

I had the thought that when I unfollow people I should just soft block them if they also follow me. It would make it easier than seeing my follower count go down maybe, instead of me wondering who unfollowed me, I would know then and there. I didn't even know people trolled their own accounts, waiting for the day for someone to unfollow them and then unfollow that person as well. It's interesting and weird lol. I guess they have nothing better to do in their spare time, me included.

I don't know what to do though. I've thought about deactivating, but I know I'd be back in a time and scroll through my feed.

I was sexually frustrated one night. I went to bed around 11 but didn't fall asleep until 2 because I had been really horny and was mauling my own body and touching myself roughly, tossing and turning. I suddenly thought about someone I hadn't thought about for a long time: one guy I started chatting with basically from the beginning. He either had his account deleted because of the content or he deactivated without telling anyone. I missed him a lot when I couldn't DM him anymore, and I tried finding his Snapchat after I made an account, but I don't think the account linked to his Twitter handle is the same as Snapchat. Anyway, it made me miss him and want him but I didn't have a way of letting him know so I just let the memory pass.

I think my online presence isn't the same as it used to be. I'm less fun, less flirty, less carefree...It sucks. I'm not crying all the time but I am sad often. I'm better at pushing people away, always have been. I think everyone I've interacted with knows this. Maybe that's why he blocked me.

Floodgates

He opened them.

I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.

On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.

I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already;  I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.

I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.

Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.

Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.

I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.

Just Okay

I had another meltdown on Friday. Not Saturday, but Friday. It was bad. Started the day with crying, ending the day with sobbing. My weekend has been mostly tear free though, so that's good. Things are looking up somewhat.

I don't know how to...process some of the stuff that's been happening I guess. It's weird talking to so many people from so many places.

I started chatting with people from Lush Stories. I've "made" a few friends, but mainly it's just talking about erotic subjects. I think some of these men want to bring out the slut in me, but she's already around. I know she's there, because someone had already pulled her out of me from Twitter. I know who I am and what I want, sexually at least. Er, wait, not totally who I am sexually, but we'll get there.

I've started taking birth control. It'll take a while before the effects kick in I'm sure and it'll be another while still before I actually have sex, that I know definitely, but I'll have a safety measure in place before anything happens. Peace of mind for me.


How have you guys been? Hopefully well. Let me know (:

Guys Suck

I went back on Twitter recently. Like a couple days ago. Yesterday was fantastic actually, I had a lot of fun with one of the guys I talk to. Nothing sexy, just joking around, it was nice. I woke up happy this morning.

Then another guy I talk to had to ruin my day. He shouldn't have been able to but people have an effect on me I'm realizing.
He talks to me on my "normal" account but we also Skype audio call once in a while. He's been making my blood boil recently. Two Saturdays ago, he ended our call abruptly to talk to another girl he has a crush on, a girl he clicks with well. At the time, I knew he was going to talk to her and I knew she was priority, but later on (like a few days later), I got really sad: I was second place to her. And I didn't want to be.
Then this weekend, I messaged him, asking if he was okay. I wanted him to be there for me when I logged back into Twitter after my break, but he wasn't. I didn't get a reply all weekend. Not even a "hey, I'm talking to [insert girl's name here]. That sucks about nsfw Twitter but I'll get back to you after the weekend is over." Yeah, I'd beat him if I could. He doesn't have any manners.

He told me he was single, that he got out of an online relationship recently. But he likes this girl, and I don't know if this is the same girl he had a relationship with or not. He's said he's talked to this girl for a year+ now. He'll be visiting her this week too, and they're gonna spend the entire time fucking apparently, for their joint birthdays. I'm jealous and I'm not. I know they're better suited for each other, closer in age, similar interests. Makes sense he likes her. I'm jealous in that he will put her first, always. Even if we're talking, if she messages or wants to talk to him, he will hang up and focus on her, I'm sure of it. That's not what a friend would do. We're not friends.

I just...he said he wasn't in a relationship. He's not looking for one and he doesn't have a heart or feelings. But he does. He wants a relationship with her and he does have a heart and feelings. It irks me that he pulled me along though. That's he's said he wants to fuck me and make me feel good, and take my virginity for crying out loud. Like fuck no. He's hung up on some other girl, who he thinks is too good for him. She probably is, and she's a cute looking girl. I haven't even seen his face...Ugh, I'm getting annoyed.


I should stop talking to him right? Yeah, probably. It annoys me even more because he's the first guy I had phone sex with. Omg, it's really annoying. Fuck. I can't talk to him on calls anymore. I can't. Just messages. I can do that.

I better be able to do that or else I'm gonna be really mad at myself.

I'm a Horrible Person

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Someone on Twitter pointed out I don't start the conversation in messaging. And it's true. I tend to wake up to messages from people so I talk to those people first. I get caught up in those exchanges and don't really think about other people. Unless it's my TC. But I'm giving up hope for him...

I like the people I talk to. I would love to meet them in person. However, there's also the fact that I can't do much for them. I can't touch them when I want to and give them hugs. I can't feel their touch when they describe it.

I think I had a lot more fun at the beginning, when I didn't talk to so many people. When it was just a few regular people. Now it's kind of a rotation of gents. And no ladies.
I think they're all good people. I just wonder if they think of me as just a means to an end. Just someone to help them get off. Probably. That's how I should think of them too, it's just that I'd like more, even if I've told many guys I just want to have fun and have no real commitment.
I'd like more with one person in particular. That won't ever happen though. I know it won't. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. It's like pulling teeth, and I feel like he doesn't want to continue the conversation.

My mind has been out of sorts too. I don't know what I want anymore.

Oh, I've also been on a masturbation ban ha. Because I've been feeling weird and the orgasms hasn't been as satisfying as they used to be, someone suggested I go on a break for a while. I decided to go along with it, but maybe that was a mistake. Or maybe it was good for me, as it gave me time to think about my horniness and also about myself in general.
I've thought I can't do a job in customer service, but I could do a job in retail that doesn't have customer service (I used to do floor sets at the retail places I worked at; I could do that again, but not at the places I've already worked, because no). Or a job at night where it doesn't involve interacting with many people. Organizing would be nice too, as long as whatever I organized stayed organized aka no one touched what I organized.

I also finally "read" the next chapter of my interior design course, which means I skim read it. It was dumb. I scrolled all the way down the assignment part and saw that it pertained to just the last ten pages of the reading. So I'm skipping the reading and just doing the assignment. I'll have the chapter in my files forever; if I need to refer back to it in the future, I can do so.

So yeah, that's it. Just me having existential crises all over the place and being okay and then not okay and then happy and then frustrated and then crying...Mhm. Good stuff.

I hope you all have been well. Let me know what you've been up to so far this week!

(I've been sucking at vlogging and blogging this month...Not so much of a VEDIS/BEDIS :\ )

Fantasy

I've touched on this in a recent previous post I think. How fantasy is always better than reality. It's gotten me thinking a lot.

Like nothing will ever be better than my imagination, so would it be better to stay a virgin forever? Even though I crave to feel something inside me, throbbing inside me, cumming inside me...Ha.

I don't want kids and I don't want to get married. So would it be okay to just sleep around for the rest of my life? I wouldn't have a problem with it but I think the people around me would be very offended/surprised, namely my immediate and extended family. Not that I'd necessarily care what they think, I'd probably just be shunned in some way or form.

Then there's the Australia trip? I kinda had a mental breakdown over the weekend because I told someone I like very much I might be visiting and he basically brushed me off. I know why he did, but I still didn't like it. So it's making me rethink the trip, because I'd be going to see other people instead of going for myself? Although meeting people would be kinda cool. Just possibly unnecessary. I only just started my Twitter account, really only a few months ago. I should get to know these people more before leaping? Therefore I shouldn't go to Australia...Maybe I'll go to New Zealand instead? I've wanted to go there more than Australia anyway, because the Lord of the Rings was filmed there and I am a huge LOTR nerd.

So I'll stay in my fantasy of these people more, but also suffer more because I really want to feel their cocks inside me LOL O_O


Aaanyway, I hope you all are well. It's gotten a lot colder here, which I love. It was kind of all of a sudden though, and my sister got sick (sore throat and a cough). I'm good though, I really do enjoy the cooler weather; I'm a hot person haha.

See you next time.

By A Friend

I'm talking to my friend via Skype right now. I asked him for a topic and this is what he gave me: a boy and a bird with special powers. He hasn't come up with a power yet. He said the obvious "bird lands on a person and knows the person's thoughts," but he wants to come up with something more creative.
I don't know how to give this a plot though...And if it would be suitable for this blog post haha. But I'll give it a whirl. See how it goes.
(a few minutes later) Now he's saying the bird poops gold...after showing it true love. What?! XD
(another few minutes later) He likes the bird knowing people's thoughts. But then somehow the boy knows what the people are thinking as the bird sits on other people's shoulders...Without the bird telling him. So the bird doesn't talk. And the boy knows the thoughts of other people through the bird. Hm. This is an odd premise. But okay, let's run with it O_O


The Boy and his Finch
He was just walking. Walking somewhere, he can't remember where. And something had caught his eye on the way.
It was a bird. A little brown finch. It wouldn't have been noticeable otherwise but it was sitting on a bright green cloth in the middle of the sidewalk so he saw the little animal very clearly. It made him stop in his steps and just consider the creature, tilting his head to the side and just staring at it. The bird made the same motion, as though copying the boy.
He made to start walking again, trying to go around the bird, but the bird wouldn't let him for some reason. The boy was confused but stopped again. The bird hopped towards him and onto his shoe, looking up into his face. He was still bewildered as to how this was happening, checking to his left and right to see if anyone else was seeing this. No one was. His gaze turned down to the bird on his shoe again and he thought the bird was smiling at him. So he smiled back. He crouched down and the bird hopped off his shoe to stand right in front of the boy.
So he reached his hand out, palm up, to offer the finch a ride. The finch gladly hopped onto his fingers and enjoyed the perch of his shoulder.
"I'm Justin by the way," he said with his chin tilted to the side.


He's distracting me now. He's getting me really horny. But I don't mind. He's not letting me touch myself so my fingers are just on my keyboard. I haven't seen his cock yet so I can only imagine what it would look like. I want it to be big and hard and long and thick, inside my pussy. I'm a virgin so it might not even fit, but I don't care. He said he would force it into me. Fuck. I want it. Painful pleasure. So good. I'm so fucking wet and I can't touch myself. I won't touch myself. I'm getting shivers all over my thighs and upper arms.
He's telling me how he'd want to get another cock inside me. How he would want to find five other cocks, including his. One in my ass, one in my pussy, one in my mouth, and one in each hand. I'd want it so bad. He said they'd take turns fucking me.
He's snoring now lol. He's weird.
He's been stroking himself too. It's such a hot thought.
He wants me to keep typing. I just want a cock inside me. I want it fucking me right now. I'm just sitting at my desk and I just want a cock fucking me. Sitting right here. I don't know how it would work. I want him in front of me. While I'm sitting at my desk. Typing. I can feel my wetness threatening to spill onto my panties. I want it to but I also want to be able to control myself.
Our call ended because the connection was weak.
He's telling me we'd find a random person off the street, the first guy I laid eyes on. He asked me what I would do and say, and I replied I would hug him and whisper, "I'm really fucking wet and I need you to fuck me right now."


...so yeah. I'm just gonna post this and hopefully no one I know reads it :D

Have a great day everyone!

Judgment

I'm feeling judged.

I want to go away for my birthday, and I'm seriously considering Australia.
Yes, part of the reason is so I get to have sex with people I've been talking to on Twitter, but the other part is to do something crazy and actually go somewhere other than North America for the first time ever.

I told my friend yesterday and she was all "yas girl go" (she's all on board for the sex part ha) she's in California on a break from work right now too, a break she really needs and deserves. It'd be for my 25th birthday too, and I kinda want to do something unexpected of myself. Australia is unexpected, and random, and I've heard good things. I think I could really chill there...

So I told my sister this morning about going (not about the sex omg) and she gave me this look like "with what money, you're not working, you have student loans, you're also paying rent, why the hell would you spend upwards of $5000 on a trip across the world." Not "hey, that'd be cool, sounds like a good time, you'll have fun, you need to get away from here."
Therefore, I'm conflicted. She brought my mood down about it when I was nervously excited before. I even looked up flights and hostels/airbnbs...

Yeah, now I feel tired and I want to stay in bed all day when I really need to finish this assignment for IDI. Ugh.


I hope you all are well. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for your birthday? (Don't tell me about those black out drunk times, those aren't fun.)

Hello!

I missed the last few days of blogs...Mostly because I ended up missing the vlog for Monday (the 11th) and caught up two videos on the 12th. And then yesterday, I uploaded my vlog and I shut down my computer when it dawned on me that I didn't write a blog :\ I didn't feel like starting up my computer again, so I just left it, and here we are heh heh.

I went to the gym with my sister on the 11th. That was it, she basically killed me because we lifted weights.
On the 12th, we went to a park/beach. It was a nice time. We also watched a movie, Around the World in 80 Days, which we had seen before. Popped popcorn and errything.
Then we made and ate breakfast together yesterday, and spent time separate from each other, watching shows and what not. Then I made pasta. Mhm.
Today, not much happened. I stayed in bed until like noon, ate food, made food...did some homework and here we are :D

NSFW Twitter is going okay. I'm...okay. I really need some kind of consistent work/volunteering thing I need to be held accountable for. Even though I'm really lazy and I don't know how I'd get there because even just walking down the street seems like a chore to me. Just walking out the door seems terrifying goddammit.

K, that is all. I hope you all had a lovely few days away from me lol.

Well

NSFW Twitter has been weird for me right now. Maybe it's because I've been talking to new people or because it's not enough anymore, like I want to have a real life encounter...It's still very arousing, but a lot of the accounts I come across are younger guys and gals, and I'd like to have conversations with those close to my age and/or older. They're hard to find it seems.

Also, I know myself, and if I was in a relationship, I don't think I could be around the person 24/7. I'd need to not be with them for a period of time, which might be unheard of for some people. Yes, having someone to cuddle with at night and to experience a portion of my life with would be great, but at the same time, I'd just be like, "K, go over there and leave me alone for a bit because I need my space." I'd like to know I can be someone without needing someone else. I've lived almost 25 years of my life without a partner and I still sometimes feel lost, not knowing who I am or where I belong; I'd need someone who would just add to or enhance to my already existing personality. That'd be great. That would also mean weeding through the 8 billion people on the planet to find the person. Not sure if I want to go through the trouble.

I mentioned I went to the state fair a couple days ago. I went with my church's youth group. This tends to happen anywhere I go when I also attend a place with my sister, but they all asked me where she was. And I had to repeat myself twenty times, saying she was at work. It's like they couldn't imagine me not being with her at all times of the day, which can be very annoying, like hello? I am an individual, not a pair with my sister, please care about me too. Ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what I did that day, not "hey, where's your sister? How come she's not here too?" Otherwise, don't ask me anything.

Anyway, I've logged out for now, before I spiral down into an emotional mess. I could feel it coming. My Twitter crush (or TC as some accounts have so aptly acronymed) has been busy and distant now, and he's the only one I really want to talk to. Don't think I'll be able to for a while still. (I have the distinct feeling he does not think of me the same way, which saddens me, but I'd rather have him in my life than not at all. I might just be hurting myself in the long run by doing this.)


I hope you all have been well!

Better

I feel better. Not just from the nauseous feeling I told you all about yesterday, but also emotionally. I talked about depression a couple times since starting this month of blogging, and I think keeping busy is a good solution. Maybe not the most healthy, but it's what I needed for myself. I stay home all the time, so finally getting out of the house like 5 days out of seven was incredible and really good for my well being. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do next week, maybe to go the library and get a library card, and also do some more shopping, hopefully getting what I actually need. We'll see.

I hope you all had a lovely day :)

Sick

Not actually sick.

But if you go to an amusement park or state fair and you see the ride Kamikaze, I recommend you run the hell away from it. Because I got a horrible headache and grossly queasy from it.

I Caught Feels Again

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think I caught feels...

I started talking to someone new on Twitter. Well, not new, we had followed each other closer to the beginning of my account creation and sporadically messaged each other for the past 2.5 months. But he's been really nice, asking me to tell him about myself. I asked him last night (for me, afternoon for him) if he messaged a lot of other girls, out of curiosity, not jealousy. The conversation continued and it got around to the topic of assuming things and how he didn't like it when people did it, because I had. It wasn't my intention to, it's just that how he phrased things previously, it made me think how most girls he talked to online weren't interested in getting to know him as a person, just wanted him to sext with them. I ended up getting hurt by that, and I thought it meant because I was attached to him. Just now, I realized it isn't...I like being liked. Not as a love interest, but as a friend. It's a good feeling. Obviously I can't please everyone in the world and I will always have haters, but when someone I talk to says he doesn't like a certain aspect of me in the moment, it makes me sad and makes me want to correct what I said. Plus, this is all conversation in text form, so facial expressions and intonation aren't conveyed, which could cause a lot of misunderstanding.
So, I didn't like that he made a generalization about me, that I assume things all the time. Does that make sense? :\

This kind of miscommunication has happened to me before, and it hasn't been the same with the person since really. At least, it's not the same to me. I don't know what he thinks about it. (This is the same guy I talked about the first time I talked about NSFW Twitter.)

I had a thought, something I wanted to add to the last paragraph. And then lost it. Story of my life! Haha.

I'm A Feminist?

I wrote about my NSFW Twitter. I wrote how I've gotten really emotional because of it. I think I wrote about how I've learned more about myself in the short period of time having that account than I have ever before in my life.

One of those things is how I wouldn't say no or stop.

With certain situations, I have said no. I've literally interrupted a personal orgasm because someone wanted to see what my vagina looked like while I rubbing my clitoris and close to cumming. I got so annoyed and frustrated, I stopped touching myself to rage.

I mean if I ever encountered someone who made me so turned on and so wanted, I don't think I'd say stop. I'd let him or her do whatever he or she wanted.

Consent is a huge deal these days, and it's so very important...So why the hell am I okay with the idea of letting someone have their way with me? We'd have a safe word if things got too intense sure, but would I use it?
I'm stubborn. It's a quality I've noticed in myself day in and day out. I would want to see how far someone would go with me. I'd want to prove him or her wrong, that I could take whatever he or she concocted.

I'm also a virgin. Would I actually go through with this thinking? I want to be treated a certain way so badly, but if it actually came down to it, would I be able to take it?

I titled this post the way I did because I am a feminist, but does this little fact about me make me not one? Every person in this world deserves happiness, pleasure. It's not wrong to take comfort in it. Does letting consent go out the window make me...misogynistic in some way?

Forest Fires

There's a forest fire in Washington right now. There's also one in California, in the Los Angeles area. Another hurricane is happening/gonna happen off the east coast of Canada/the US. How are peeps from Hurricane Harvey doing?

Clearly, I'm really good at keeping up with current news.

But doesn't this all kind of suck? I don't know about the hurricanes, but the forest fires; I get kinda angry and frustrated about those. I usually think the fires are human caused, and I'm right, I think. Are forest fires naturally occurring? Can they be? Because I don't think they can, so obviously it was someone's fault for the fire. Whether it be a cigarette butt or starting a fire somewhere where he/she/they (in the multiple people sense, not the pronoun for sexuality usage) shouldn't have. Like why. WHY. Does he/she/they realize what he's/she's/they're doing? That he/she/they could cause thousands of people to be displaced from their homes, or animals to be trapped and also homeless? Not to mention all the people who risk their lives to put the fire out because of his/her/their stupidity. UGH.

My mom's car was covered in ashes today, and the breathing air isn't too good, but it's freaking hot so all the windows are open in the house and I had to walk around the city today to get places...My bed also had ashes all over it, and I brushed most of the particles off, but I'm sure I'll still be sleeping in burnt trees.
Our eyes got really dry too, moisture's gone from the air.

Mother mentioned we're getting rain Thursday. I hope so.

Are any of you experiencing natural/unnatural disasters? What do you think about it happening?