KPop Again

Still on that KPop/Korean culture kick...It's been 5 months O_O

Anyway, I've updated my favourite K celeb list. Just thought some of you might be interested ;)

Just One Of Those Days

I've already written this down in so many other places, but I thought I'd share what I'm feeling here too, since it has been a while. Maybe talking about it would help me better, but every time I feel like I want to talk about it, I tear up.

Okay, so I'm bottling a bunch of little things inside myself and that's why I'm crying like a crazy person. One of the things has been building up for a while, but it wasn't until recently when the little things happened that I decided to get emotional.

1. I got a hair cut on Thursday. And, in general, I like the style. However, after I took a shower that night, I realized there were a few mistakes. Let's list them, shall we: there are a few hairs around my ear that are *way* longer than the rest; the hair on one side of my head is longer than the other side; there's a section of hair on the top of my head, but in the back that is longer than the rest; and there's another section of hair in the front that is cut bluntly. Also, I have bleached hair, and dead ends come with the bleaching. I thought the guy would have noticed, and I asked for a trim, but there are still fried ends in my hair, mostly in my bangs.
2. I went to a housewarming/dinner party at a friend's house. I wanted to leave early because I wanted to see my mom and I also wanted to relax before I went to bed. I left around 7:45 to catch the bus, and I waited at a stop with a bench which had a covering. I got to the stop, and after a minute, I noticed a woman standing right at the post, so I assumed she was getting on the same bus as I was. The bus arrived, and it didn't stop. It paused, but it paused way after the stop post/pole/thing. I thought the driver saw me walking towards the door through his side mirror, and he might have, but he just kept on going. I ran to the next stop, but I, of course, missed it. Then, instead of waiting another hour, I decided to walk to where I needed to be.
3. My birthday is coming up, and I'm actually doing something for it. I invited my sister. And now she can't come, even though I need her to be there. Because I'm an introvert and I need someone I'm familiar with. She makes me comfortable and normal, and I'm the most myself when I'm around her, with someone other than myself.
4. And this one was a long time coming: what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to be completely done with school on the 27th. It's my last day of class. And I have no idea what I'm going to do after. I was thinking about my passions these past couple weeks, and I don't have any. I thought I did, but I don't, because I don't love them as much as I did. Therefore, looking for a job is going to be extra hard because I don't even know where to start.

There's probably more. But for now, this is what's plaguing my mind. And the reason why my eyes are stinging. So, yeah. My heart and soul, out on the internet.

I don't know how to end this, so I'm just going to say bye.

Bye.

Importance

Guys, I don't do shit.

Like, I literally don't do anything.

The other day, I was talking to a friend, who is graduating at the same time as I am, and she told me she applied for graduation during the early application time. I, on the other hand, did not, because I had forgotten the dates/didn't mark the deadlines on my calendar. So I had to pay the normal prices for my degrees and certificate (which is totally dumb: why do I have to pay money for a piece of paper?! I could just print it myself!), even though I won't be going to convocation (because I just don't want go through another graduation ceremony). I kept freaking out during the first 45 minutes or so of class because I now had to pay more money when I could have avoided it 10 days earlier. I was trying to remember what I was doing on the date of the deadline, and I couldn't, which means I wasn't doing anything important. I wasn't doing anything important.

Why am I like this? I don't have a job, I don't volunteer, I hang out with my friends on the rare occasion, and I only go to school 3 days a week. WHAT THE HELL SELF.

After a bit, I realized I couldn't do anything about it, the date had passed so boo hoo. I applied for graduation just a couple of hours ago, so I wouldn't panic later in the semester...Choked I had to pay about $200 for it, but ah well.

Life and Death

Originally written (on actual paper) on October 14th, during my English (484W) class.
Disclosure: I believe in heaven and hell. If you don't, that's your opinion. I also swear at the end, which is uncommon in my posts. Deal.

I got this pang in my body (stomach?) and in my head. I know I've talked about my heart hurting in a previous blog post, but this is different. People talk about existential crises...What I just experienced was not it. It's like I saw my death and afterlife. I was just thinking about growing old.

No. Back up. My prof was talking about the definition of "mate" in Australia: it's your best friend, someone you would put before your blood relations and someone you would ultimately die for. My mate is a blood relative, and I was contemplating dying for her. Then I got to thinking about my parents, and would I die for them? I immediately answered no. This is when I had my flash forward moment.

Would I go to hell for thinking that, answering negatively? Then I remembered a time when my mom, or someone else, told me that in heaven, you wouldn't remember who was who in your physical life: Mom vs friend vs spouse, etc. And then I started wondering how I would react to seeing my family in heaven: if I would be civilized to m dad, or if I would hug my aunt, or if I would have a deep and meaningful conversation with my uncle.

Then I got scared. I don't know where I'm going to go after I die. I could burn in hell or do fun things in heaven. Right? And I won't have my physical body, right? I don't know! And that freaks the shit out of me. 80 years of living? What if I get raptured before getting to anything I wanted to do? That's fucking scary.

KPop

Guys, I have been so obsessed with KPop recently. It basically started after I finished my summer semester because of the Korean reality TV show called Roommate. The premise of the show is putting celebrities together in a house and becoming roommates. One of the celebrities is my all-time favourite KPop star: Park Bom.

However, I became consumed with the other roommates as well. Most specifically, Chanyeol from EXO. And this is where KPop took over my life once again, but this time, to the next level.
I have watched almost every YouTube fan-made video and variety show and reality show EXO has been a part of in the last month and a half. It's crazy. I have switched biases in that group *so* many times I have lost count.

Anyway, what I wanted to do here was list my biases/favourite Korean celebrities, which I will be editing and adding to from time to time...I'll just mention one member from each group, but I truly do love them all! Here we go:

Park Bom from 2NE1
Lay from EXO
Nana from After School/Orange Caramel
Amber from f(x)
Hyoyeon from Girls' Generation
Wooyoung from 2PM
Ryeowook from Super Junior
Kwanghee from ZE:A
T.O.P./Choi Seunghyun from Big Bang (rapper/actor)
Ga In from Brown Eyed Girls
Di from Rania
Jung Shin from CNBlue 
Dohee from Tiny-G
Mark from GOT7
Mino from Winner
Yewon from [former; they disbanded] Jewelry 
Jiyoon from 4Minute
Youngji from KARA
Soryong from Tasty (yeah, I know, they're twins. Whatever XD)
Tablo from EPIK HIGH

Yoon Mi Rae
Lee Hi
Baek Ji Young
Jung In
Jo Jung Chi
Eric Nam
Kim Jong Kook
Kang Gary
Ha Dong Hoon
Bi (Rain)
Song Ga Yeon
Park Min Woo
Lee Dong Wook
Song Ji Hyo
Song Joong Ki
Go Soo
Han Hyo Joo
Im Joo Hwan
Lee Kwang Soo
Kim Woo Bin
Yoo Jae Suk
Ji Suk Jin
Jang Dong Min



I hope you all are doing well! <3

Whoa...I Didn't Give This A Title

Have you ever felt like your brain was melting? I don't mean in the physical sense, because that would not be good and very gross, but in the figurative sense...that your world is slowing down.
I may have a problem if this doesn't happen to anyone else.
What I mean is that sometimes some moments in my life happen very slowly. Like, to the point where I think a switch in my brain was flipped and suddenly I'm seeing things in slow motion, but it feels fast forwarded too.
The way I'm wording it probably isn't helping either. But I don't know how else to explain it!

Okay, say you're walking down the stairs to the living room, or den in my case. You get to the den and you sit down on the couch to watch a movie. Now, as you sit down and get comfortable, your head starts to pound a little and you feel a bit dizzy. You don't worry about it because it will go away soon. But as you reach for the remotes to turn the TV on and start the DVD, you feel as though your hand is reaching out ten times faster than it normally does, when in fact your brain is giving you the impression that you're going ten times slower.

It's a weird scenario, but this is a real life situation that has happened to me. You probably don't believe me and think I'm crazy, but I am being genuinely truthful.
This doesn't occur a lot in my life. Maybe once a month or less. But it still happens.
It's a weird feeling, but it's cool at the same time. My thoughts go a million miles an hour while my actions go a lot slower.
It's also scary, because I don't know why it's happening, and I sometimes freak out in my head when it happens. Like, is my body catching up with my brain, or vice versa?

Anyway, yeah, I just wanted to let you know. This was a little blurb from my life.
I needed to escape a bit. I haven't been feeling well for a while: my stomach has been making weird noises and acting weird for the past couple weeks, and I don't know how to make it feel better. School is also super stressful at the moment, since it's the end of the semester and things are due. I also have been feeling the need to stay up for longer than I want to...I want to go to sleep, my eyes are tired, but something in me is telling me to stay awake until midnight or later. Which sucks. I guess my body is getting used to going to bed late, which is not something it's supposed to do!!
Okay, I need to go now. Maybe find a movie to watch, or YouTube, or a TV show, or something. I'll see all y'all in a month!

Younger Self

Have you ever looked at your old sent emails and/or messages sent on various other social networking sites, namely Facebook?

I did.
About a month ago, I decided to go through my FB inbox and clean out a bunch of messages I didn't think were necessary to keep ie. with people I had unfriended ages ago. Reading these old messages made me realize how silly I was! I mean, I realize this is true for all people, but it was so embarrassing! Some of the things I had said to other people (namely guys I had a crush on) when I was just starting high school, for example...Aah, the horror! It made me sad how stupid I sounded. I shouldn't feel bad, because I'm sure everyone goes through this awkward period of time in their life, BUT STILL. AWKO TACO.

Let me know if you've had the same experience. Tell me a specific time? ;)

Deja Vu

I just wanted to note that I am getting hecka deja vu going on right now. I don't think I have ever had deja vu this many times in this small amount of time...Like, just today, I've had deja vu 3 times. 3 TIMES. That has to be a world record or something.
Anyway, I wanted to note this down publicly, so I can come back and see how I started my future as a psychic ;D

My Summer So Far

So, this doesn't have a main topic. I realized it's been a while, and I should let you guys know how I'm doing!
I finished my spring semester...nicely. Not the best, but not the worst either. And now I'm doing a summer semester. No break for me this year. Gotta get that degree done, son!
And a few things have changed for me as of a while ago. I don't know if I told you guys, but I've started to write fanfiction! I think there's a stigma around sharing your fanfic account. Like you don't want people you know you write fanfic, because fans be cray, y'know? And your friends/family might be shocked about your writing style/topics aka sexy time everywhere! ;) So, I'm just going to let you know I have a fanfic with stories posted up...You're just going to have to be creative and try and find me. (Psst, it's not that hard. But hopefully you're not *that* curious XD )
Also, I'm thinking I'll be moving down to the states as soon as I finish the fall semester in December. Of course, it's not set in stone, I'm just typing stuff so I have stuff to type!
Music-wise, things have been blowing up. I've been getting into electronica recently. I liked the genre, but I hadn't ever really explored it before now. And I'm obsessed. (RoboCLIP on SoundCloud and fictiondnb on YouTube, if you're curious as to what I'm listening to.) Plus, IGGY AZALEA YOOOOO! The New Classic is crazy good, and she is amazingly talented. Seriously. Listen to it, buy it, tweet her that you love her and all that jazz LOL. Then there's all the other various miscellaneous songs I've been encountering, like Betty Who's Heartbreak Dream and Rather Be by Clean Bandit ft Jess Glynne. (They're good; check 'em out ^^)

Hopefully this isn't a record on replay, because I may have talked about this stuff already...Ah well. Tis my blog; I can do what I want, haha!

To My Future Husband

(I'll be adding and editing this as time goes on...)

The only couple relationship I have been exposed to the most is my mom and dad. I think this is typical of any person, and when said person gets married to someone, he/she brings certain aspects of that relationship in their own.
However, there are also something things he/she would change. Like me.
There's something about my parents's relationship that doesn't agree with me...mainly that my father is a misogynist. He expects everything to be handed to him without any criticism, which mostly include meals. I understand he's the breadwinner and handy-man of the family and he's allowed to relax when he gets home. BUT (and this is a big, humongous, ginormous but) the members of his family would extremely appreciate it if he could set the table for a meal, or take the dog out for a walk, or do the dishes every once in a while.
I feel like my parents are the only ones that act like this because I've heard of other people's parents *not* being like this.
Anyway, this post is for my future husband, so let's get right down to it:

Hey hon. I'm basically going to list a few (heh) things that I want you to do for me when we start living as a married couple, and this list is going off the assumption that both of us are doing what we want to do (and work full time).

1. Make half the meals in our home: we either make breakfast/lunch/dinner for each other every other night or switch off weeks or make it together or something. We'll figure it out.
2. When you make the meals, I'll set the table and do the dishes; and vice versa.
3. Grocery shopping is a thing.
4. If either of us sees that the other is dressing strangely and/or the laundry basket is full, do the laundry. Obviously, "full" is subjective, but I trust you. (Separate the colours and whites ^.~)

This will change once we have kids (because we've talked about it and want kids eventually), but "we'll figure it out." <3

Self Realization

I might do a series of these, if they turn out to be any good...

A thought popped into my head the other day: I like to sleep.

That wasn't the thought, but give me a second.

I like to sleep a lot. I like the idea of giving my eyes a rest and cozying up in my quilt to give myself over to a well deserved rest (even though I may have been on my butt, sitting in front of my laptop all day long). But I've been having difficulties falling asleep these past few months, and I don't know why.
One, I don't stress easy because I procrastinate a lot...That's a weird statement, but it's true. If something stresses me out, I leave it, don't touch it, put it off until the last possible moment. And this works for me, strangely enough. Therefore, I should be able to fall asleep...NOT.
Two, I listen to ASMR and I have ASMR. It's nice, feeling tingles in the back of my head and all over my body. Some times, it works. Other times, it doesn't. I keep searching for that ultimate ASMRtist or video that will let me fall asleep without fail. So far, nothing. And I'll keep looking. Lots of videos have relaxed me and have let me fall asleep (after listening to it 18 times on my iPod), but it's not automatic when I wish it was.
Three, when I do sleep, I sleep like a rock...I sleep well. (I move around in my sleep; rocks don't move.) And I'd like to reach this stage ASAP.

Ok, all of this was leading up to this: I like to be cold when I sleep. This is a strange statement too. But hear me out. I'm a hot person. As in, I'm usually the person people sidle up to because they're cold and they need a heater. I am that human heater.

Last night, I left my window open. (It's getting to the point where the weather is being somewhat nice and warming up so I'm allowed to leave my window open, so the heating bill won't be ridiculous.) And I fell asleep almost instantly. It was sooooo nice. And when I woke up, I had realized I had gotten a decent 9.5 hours of sleep. Which hasn't happened in a long time.

If I was allowed to leave my window open during the winter months (which I'm not, because heating is a bitch, and cold air causes the house to cool which causes the boiler to kick in...This was the point I was trying to get at in the earlier parentheses; my parents pay the bill), I would have had awesome sleeps!
Alas, this was not to be, so I'll be catching up on a lot of sleep these next few weeks! WOOHOO!

Got any weird sleeping habits/rituals/necessities? Tell me :)

I Don't Have A Family

Mild swearing. Because I'm human.

The title sounds tres harsh, but I'm coming to believe that it's true.
I have a family. Duh. Everyone has a family, somewhere in the world. Mine have just been becoming obsolete.
Take my flesh-and-blood family. I don't know if we were ever close, but these days, we all do our own thing in different rooms. We used to eat dinners together, but now we don't. We used to be able to hold a conversation for a while, but now we can't; we didn't ever used to talk about the "important" things, but we don't even talk about the little things anymore! We don't ask each other questions, let each other know what should be done around the house (we just do it when we see it, and it's usually me or my mom who does it)...it's getting strained.
These past couple weeks, we've been without the main caretaker of the house: my mom was in Korea, visiting family and sight-seeing. The first week was ok: we had food and that's basically all we need to function. The second week started to really kill me: I go to school full-time (readings, presentation preps, and papers are taking up a lot of my time now. It's crunch time in the land of post-secondary school), and taking care of a dad who doesn't do shit (even though he's been home, sitting on his ass in front of the computer because his company is on strike. Lazy fuck) because, "It's the woman's job to do the shopping, cooking and cleaning, and you need to learn how to do it," and a sister who is barely home because she also goes to school full-time and works part-time but stays cooped up in her room once she is home is not a walk in the park.
First of all, I would happily do the shopping, but I do NOT have a Costco card, and that is where we do most of our shopping. I'm also not the breadwinner of the house, so spending money out of what I have in my account is rough on tuition money for the future. Second of all, my dad can cook. So can my sister. They can do the basics, but it's enough to keep them alive. Plus, we had a lot of frozen food in the freezer, so either of them could have just popped a pizza in the oven and ate. Also, there is a thing known as take-out. But my dad in particular is picky, because he's over 50 years old and he wants all of his food to be Korean. And there's no way in hell that I make Korean food, because (a) I don't want it every day of the rest of the my life and (b) I can't make it/don't want to learn how to make it. Lastly, there is only so much a girl can do with cleaning: I can do dishes, I can unload a dishwasher, I can sweep the floor, I can do laundry. I am not willing to do it every day that my mom isn't here however; everyone else should pitch in, am I right? NO ONE DID. Shitheads. I cannot (or will not) lug a 50 lb vacuum all over the house...and that's the only scenario in which I can think of that I won't do in the department of cleaning.

That kind of went into more than I wanted it to, but you get the point. We are just a bunch of individuals living under the same roof; we are not a family.

As to my family at camp, I've sort of cut them out. At least, in my head. I also wrote a letter to one of the interns that works there, telling him the reason I won't be coming out this year. It's mostly to do with me not liking the changes that the new director is making, but I can't say anything about them because, well, there wouldn't be a point. I also feel as though I'm super dependent on the place, to relax and to fellowship with other Christians...The last time I went, I didn't feel relaxed and I didn't really want to spend time with the people. The atmosphere is not as pleasant to me as it used to be, so I've just decided to not go at all this year. Quitting cold turkey. So far, it's going ok. But I'm thinking people will start to wonder why I'm not there (not to sound selfish or brag-y or anything) as the year goes on.

As for my friends, they're not close enough for me to consider them family. At one time, maybe. But now, I don't have friends [from school] who I would talk to on a regular basis to let them know what's up, how my mind is feeling, why I'm so freaking stressed out, etc.

I was thinking I should go see a therapist, just to get my brain all sorted out, get my feelings out in the open and in check...Then I realized I don't want to pay for a therapist at the moment. So maybe I should look into free therapy sessions? I don't even know if those exist...*Google*

Alright guys, sorry for the ranty bit at the beginning. But I needed to get all the feels out. Especially after the half hour cry I had before I started typing. Yeah, I know, emo girl, right here. ;)

Sleep

Hey guys,

I wanted to make a journal-style post this time, so I hope you don't mind.
I've been having a hard time sleeping: turning off my bedroom light only to bring my laptop on my lap, sitting on my bed, surfing fanfiction and social media sites. I have been listening to ASMR (see previous blog post about ASMR), and it's nice (I love the tingly sensations I get from listening to it), but it doesn't always help me fall asleep (because I'm doing other things on the computer, like reading fanfiction and tweeting about every little thing and thought). My eyes are hurting though. They're a bit sore and achy whenever I do close my eyes, so that's a problem. I definitely need to sleep...I guess I've just been going to bed late, usually in the 1 to 2 AM range. Which is bad. Because I need my rest. The body needs rest in general. My mind just wants to keep going and take in every Tom Hiddleston pic and Avengers fanfiction out there. TMI? ;)

You people been getting your recommended 6-8 hours of sleep? You better be...Gah, who am I to judge. I've been getting 7-ish when I really need 10-12 XD

<3

Music Selfishness

I love music. And I love finding new music. Recently, I've found a lot of stuff from "lesser-know" [Canadian] artists and it's all amazing! I wish it was easier to find new music...

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I'm very selfish about my music. I mean, when I find a song or an artist I love immediately, I want to spread the word about it/him/her. However, sometimes when you post a good song on social media, no one ever really listens to it. I've definitely been guilty of this: scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, for example, and passing a YouTube music video one of my friend's has dubbed "the best ever."
Then again, there are other times when I share a song with a friend and they get super into it and/or the artist too. This is where the selfishness comes in: I want to keep the artist to myself and not have other people obsess over him/her. Although it's good for the artist when more people know about him/her because fame/money is one of the ultimate goals for singers (right?), I would rather keep him/her to myself.

Alas, this will never be, because someone else might accidentally stumble onto this person as well, and I have no control over that. So I have a very hypocritical way of looking at music I love ;)

Do any of you guys feel the same way?

University Books

If you didn't know, I'm in university (4th year; almost done!!!). And I've noticed that there are certain things that bother me about books, especially because I buy them used. Namely, the fact that just about everyone writes inside the margins or in between the lines/highlights certain phrases. Or, if you take a book out of the library, the entire thing is covered in pink highlighter, which is dumb, because it's a book from the library.
So, there are a few things I want to get off my chest, about university books, and books, in general.

1. Do not EVER dog-ear a page.
2. Do NOT write on the pages of a book.
3. If #2 is unavoidable:
   a) Only write where necessary. Ie. if you don't know the meaning of a word, write down a different meaning.
   b) Use a pencil and NOT a pen or highlighter.
      i) When using said pencil, write lightly. Do not EVER create indentations in the page because this creates a certain displeasure to the person who takes over ownership of said book and who wants to erase the pencil markings 

I think that's it. For now. If I think of more to add to the list, I will certainly edit this post. Also, let me know if there's anything you think I should add to the list.

I would also encourage you to read Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. I took #1 from this book, because the characters are book lovers, and also discourage dog-earring pages ^^ It's also a good read, if you have time.

Celebrity Obsession

I don't know about you guys, but sometimes I get *kindof* obsessed with celebrities, namely well-known male actors. I'm currently on a Tom Hiddleston stint, that has not worn off for the past week or so. (I'm watching BBC's "The Hollow Crown" at the moment and it's marvelous. I'd recommend it if you have 8 hours to spare...2 hours an episode. Yup. Brits be crazy.)

This got me thinking about my daydreams and bucket lists and so on. Like, some people make it a life goal to meet the celebrity they love: a musician, an actor, an athlete, an author, and the list goes on. And some of those people take it to the extreme, by Facebook messaging and emailing and sending physical mail and tweeting them non-stop. (I'm not gonna lie, I've thought about it with Mr. Hiddleston. I follow him on Twitter and check it regularly...Don't judge.)

Then I thought about how the celebrities must feel when this happens to them, this over-abundant wave of "love" from an adoring aka obsessed fan. Do they think, "Oh God, not him/her," and/or, "I need a restraining order"? What if this fan spammed them tastefully...if that's even possible? Would said celebrity not feel exposed to the world/embarrassed/harassed/scared?

There are many times when I would just love the opportunity to sit down with a well-known person and just ask them what it's like. Does he hate it, does she love it, does he ever wonder how has this happened to me and why? Does she appreciate it? Does she get confused every once in a while as to how she got where she is? (I'm using these articles spread all over the place, sorry if it's confusing you!)
And then I wonder if they just want to be treated "like a normal person" some days. For example, has he ever been mobbed at a clothing store by patrons and staff alike and would he like that to not happen? Also, do staff people freak out when they see a famous person walk through the door and start fangirling? Or do they have to be professional and keep all their emotions inside? And if the latter, does the famous person ever get confused and be like, "Don't you know who I am?!"?

I'd like to think that I'd be normal and not freak out when I see a celebrity in the street, but the situation hasn't happened to me yet (I've definitely daydreamed about it though)...or it might not ever happen. We'll see what the future holds.

What do you guys think about celebrity crushes? Hate them, love them, get weirded out by them as I'm doing right now?

Confession #1

Is it horrible to say I don't have any friends?

My definition of a friend is someone who cares; who will listen to everything aggravating, depressing, shocking, exciting; who wants to get to know you; who you're comfortable to be with; and who doesn't become awkward after one silence. I find that this happens to me with everyone I know. I think I'm the problem with all of my friendships: I've become more of a recluse than when I was younger, choosing to be alone and in my room, conversing with strangers on the internet instead of out and about in the real world with real people. I don't text my friends as often as I used to, or I'd rather be eloquent in a text instead of in person. I'd rather be reading fan fiction than at a party; drinking water instead of alcohol; writing a blog post instead of talking to someone.
At one time, I would have considered my sister to be my best friend, the person I could tell anything to. Now, I can't, because I don't even know who she is anymore.

People change. Or they don't. I've heard both. I think I'm just my younger self magnified: I haven't grown up yet. And I don't want to. But I don't think I have a choice, do I? Everyone has to become independent and responsible at some point. Unfortunately, I've delayed my adulthood and it's going to blindside me. I'm not looking forward to it.