Meh

I'm not doing well.

I had logged out of Twitter for the holidays. I didn't end up staying logged out though, I logged back in the next day, I just didn't tweet or reply to any DMs. I unfollowed a bunch of people because I no longer talked to them or I didn't like their profiles anymore. One of the guys I unfollowed ended up messaging me, asking why I had done it. I said something petty, that I didn't want to compete with the other girls he DM'd with, I didn't want to see his profile anymore, and if the first thing he said to me in weeks was pertaining to an unfollow, then clearly we weren't friends. He replied back that if that was why I did what I did then I didn't know him at all and goodbye. And he blocked me. I got really sad and frustrated so I started crying. I couldn't really dwell in that sadness though because it was Christmas Eve and my mom's birthday so we had to go out to church and what not.

He's kind of put me in a funk though, and now that I'm kind of getting back into Twitter again, I'm realizing I'm only thinking about the guys who were kind and then horrible to me. How I still want to talk to them and want to be meet them and possibly fuck them. It's not fair. It's also not fair because these guys that I think about most are all in Australia. Like who decided that was the country I had to be obsessed with? Literally the worst country to like people from because they're the most ahead of me time-wise

I had the thought that when I unfollow people I should just soft block them if they also follow me. It would make it easier than seeing my follower count go down maybe, instead of me wondering who unfollowed me, I would know then and there. I didn't even know people trolled their own accounts, waiting for the day for someone to unfollow them and then unfollow that person as well. It's interesting and weird lol. I guess they have nothing better to do in their spare time, me included.

I don't know what to do though. I've thought about deactivating, but I know I'd be back in a time and scroll through my feed.

I was sexually frustrated one night. I went to bed around 11 but didn't fall asleep until 2 because I had been really horny and was mauling my own body and touching myself roughly, tossing and turning. I suddenly thought about someone I hadn't thought about for a long time: one guy I started chatting with basically from the beginning. He either had his account deleted because of the content or he deactivated without telling anyone. I missed him a lot when I couldn't DM him anymore, and I tried finding his Snapchat after I made an account, but I don't think the account linked to his Twitter handle is the same as Snapchat. Anyway, it made me miss him and want him but I didn't have a way of letting him know so I just let the memory pass.

I think my online presence isn't the same as it used to be. I'm less fun, less flirty, less carefree...It sucks. I'm not crying all the time but I am sad often. I'm better at pushing people away, always have been. I think everyone I've interacted with knows this. Maybe that's why he blocked me.

Floodgates

He opened them.

I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.

On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.

I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already;  I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.

I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.

Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.

Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.

I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.

Just Okay

I had another meltdown on Friday. Not Saturday, but Friday. It was bad. Started the day with crying, ending the day with sobbing. My weekend has been mostly tear free though, so that's good. Things are looking up somewhat.

I don't know how to...process some of the stuff that's been happening I guess. It's weird talking to so many people from so many places.

I started chatting with people from Lush Stories. I've "made" a few friends, but mainly it's just talking about erotic subjects. I think some of these men want to bring out the slut in me, but she's already around. I know she's there, because someone had already pulled her out of me from Twitter. I know who I am and what I want, sexually at least. Er, wait, not totally who I am sexually, but we'll get there.

I've started taking birth control. It'll take a while before the effects kick in I'm sure and it'll be another while still before I actually have sex, that I know definitely, but I'll have a safety measure in place before anything happens. Peace of mind for me.


How have you guys been? Hopefully well. Let me know (:

Guys Suck

I went back on Twitter recently. Like a couple days ago. Yesterday was fantastic actually, I had a lot of fun with one of the guys I talk to. Nothing sexy, just joking around, it was nice. I woke up happy this morning.

Then another guy I talk to had to ruin my day. He shouldn't have been able to but people have an effect on me I'm realizing.
He talks to me on my "normal" account but we also Skype audio call once in a while. He's been making my blood boil recently. Two Saturdays ago, he ended our call abruptly to talk to another girl he has a crush on, a girl he clicks with well. At the time, I knew he was going to talk to her and I knew she was priority, but later on (like a few days later), I got really sad: I was second place to her. And I didn't want to be.
Then this weekend, I messaged him, asking if he was okay. I wanted him to be there for me when I logged back into Twitter after my break, but he wasn't. I didn't get a reply all weekend. Not even a "hey, I'm talking to [insert girl's name here]. That sucks about nsfw Twitter but I'll get back to you after the weekend is over." Yeah, I'd beat him if I could. He doesn't have any manners.

He told me he was single, that he got out of an online relationship recently. But he likes this girl, and I don't know if this is the same girl he had a relationship with or not. He's said he's talked to this girl for a year+ now. He'll be visiting her this week too, and they're gonna spend the entire time fucking apparently, for their joint birthdays. I'm jealous and I'm not. I know they're better suited for each other, closer in age, similar interests. Makes sense he likes her. I'm jealous in that he will put her first, always. Even if we're talking, if she messages or wants to talk to him, he will hang up and focus on her, I'm sure of it. That's not what a friend would do. We're not friends.

I just...he said he wasn't in a relationship. He's not looking for one and he doesn't have a heart or feelings. But he does. He wants a relationship with her and he does have a heart and feelings. It irks me that he pulled me along though. That's he's said he wants to fuck me and make me feel good, and take my virginity for crying out loud. Like fuck no. He's hung up on some other girl, who he thinks is too good for him. She probably is, and she's a cute looking girl. I haven't even seen his face...Ugh, I'm getting annoyed.


I should stop talking to him right? Yeah, probably. It annoys me even more because he's the first guy I had phone sex with. Omg, it's really annoying. Fuck. I can't talk to him on calls anymore. I can't. Just messages. I can do that.

I better be able to do that or else I'm gonna be really mad at myself.

I'm a Horrible Person

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Someone on Twitter pointed out I don't start the conversation in messaging. And it's true. I tend to wake up to messages from people so I talk to those people first. I get caught up in those exchanges and don't really think about other people. Unless it's my TC. But I'm giving up hope for him...

I like the people I talk to. I would love to meet them in person. However, there's also the fact that I can't do much for them. I can't touch them when I want to and give them hugs. I can't feel their touch when they describe it.

I think I had a lot more fun at the beginning, when I didn't talk to so many people. When it was just a few regular people. Now it's kind of a rotation of gents. And no ladies.
I think they're all good people. I just wonder if they think of me as just a means to an end. Just someone to help them get off. Probably. That's how I should think of them too, it's just that I'd like more, even if I've told many guys I just want to have fun and have no real commitment.
I'd like more with one person in particular. That won't ever happen though. I know it won't. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. It's like pulling teeth, and I feel like he doesn't want to continue the conversation.

My mind has been out of sorts too. I don't know what I want anymore.

Oh, I've also been on a masturbation ban ha. Because I've been feeling weird and the orgasms hasn't been as satisfying as they used to be, someone suggested I go on a break for a while. I decided to go along with it, but maybe that was a mistake. Or maybe it was good for me, as it gave me time to think about my horniness and also about myself in general.
I've thought I can't do a job in customer service, but I could do a job in retail that doesn't have customer service (I used to do floor sets at the retail places I worked at; I could do that again, but not at the places I've already worked, because no). Or a job at night where it doesn't involve interacting with many people. Organizing would be nice too, as long as whatever I organized stayed organized aka no one touched what I organized.

I also finally "read" the next chapter of my interior design course, which means I skim read it. It was dumb. I scrolled all the way down the assignment part and saw that it pertained to just the last ten pages of the reading. So I'm skipping the reading and just doing the assignment. I'll have the chapter in my files forever; if I need to refer back to it in the future, I can do so.

So yeah, that's it. Just me having existential crises all over the place and being okay and then not okay and then happy and then frustrated and then crying...Mhm. Good stuff.

I hope you all have been well. Let me know what you've been up to so far this week!

(I've been sucking at vlogging and blogging this month...Not so much of a VEDIS/BEDIS :\ )

Fantasy

I've touched on this in a recent previous post I think. How fantasy is always better than reality. It's gotten me thinking a lot.

Like nothing will ever be better than my imagination, so would it be better to stay a virgin forever? Even though I crave to feel something inside me, throbbing inside me, cumming inside me...Ha.

I don't want kids and I don't want to get married. So would it be okay to just sleep around for the rest of my life? I wouldn't have a problem with it but I think the people around me would be very offended/surprised, namely my immediate and extended family. Not that I'd necessarily care what they think, I'd probably just be shunned in some way or form.

Then there's the Australia trip? I kinda had a mental breakdown over the weekend because I told someone I like very much I might be visiting and he basically brushed me off. I know why he did, but I still didn't like it. So it's making me rethink the trip, because I'd be going to see other people instead of going for myself? Although meeting people would be kinda cool. Just possibly unnecessary. I only just started my Twitter account, really only a few months ago. I should get to know these people more before leaping? Therefore I shouldn't go to Australia...Maybe I'll go to New Zealand instead? I've wanted to go there more than Australia anyway, because the Lord of the Rings was filmed there and I am a huge LOTR nerd.

So I'll stay in my fantasy of these people more, but also suffer more because I really want to feel their cocks inside me LOL O_O


Aaanyway, I hope you all are well. It's gotten a lot colder here, which I love. It was kind of all of a sudden though, and my sister got sick (sore throat and a cough). I'm good though, I really do enjoy the cooler weather; I'm a hot person haha.

See you next time.

By A Friend

I'm talking to my friend via Skype right now. I asked him for a topic and this is what he gave me: a boy and a bird with special powers. He hasn't come up with a power yet. He said the obvious "bird lands on a person and knows the person's thoughts," but he wants to come up with something more creative.
I don't know how to give this a plot though...And if it would be suitable for this blog post haha. But I'll give it a whirl. See how it goes.
(a few minutes later) Now he's saying the bird poops gold...after showing it true love. What?! XD
(another few minutes later) He likes the bird knowing people's thoughts. But then somehow the boy knows what the people are thinking as the bird sits on other people's shoulders...Without the bird telling him. So the bird doesn't talk. And the boy knows the thoughts of other people through the bird. Hm. This is an odd premise. But okay, let's run with it O_O


The Boy and his Finch
He was just walking. Walking somewhere, he can't remember where. And something had caught his eye on the way.
It was a bird. A little brown finch. It wouldn't have been noticeable otherwise but it was sitting on a bright green cloth in the middle of the sidewalk so he saw the little animal very clearly. It made him stop in his steps and just consider the creature, tilting his head to the side and just staring at it. The bird made the same motion, as though copying the boy.
He made to start walking again, trying to go around the bird, but the bird wouldn't let him for some reason. The boy was confused but stopped again. The bird hopped towards him and onto his shoe, looking up into his face. He was still bewildered as to how this was happening, checking to his left and right to see if anyone else was seeing this. No one was. His gaze turned down to the bird on his shoe again and he thought the bird was smiling at him. So he smiled back. He crouched down and the bird hopped off his shoe to stand right in front of the boy.
So he reached his hand out, palm up, to offer the finch a ride. The finch gladly hopped onto his fingers and enjoyed the perch of his shoulder.
"I'm Justin by the way," he said with his chin tilted to the side.


He's distracting me now. He's getting me really horny. But I don't mind. He's not letting me touch myself so my fingers are just on my keyboard. I haven't seen his cock yet so I can only imagine what it would look like. I want it to be big and hard and long and thick, inside my pussy. I'm a virgin so it might not even fit, but I don't care. He said he would force it into me. Fuck. I want it. Painful pleasure. So good. I'm so fucking wet and I can't touch myself. I won't touch myself. I'm getting shivers all over my thighs and upper arms.
He's telling me how he'd want to get another cock inside me. How he would want to find five other cocks, including his. One in my ass, one in my pussy, one in my mouth, and one in each hand. I'd want it so bad. He said they'd take turns fucking me.
He's snoring now lol. He's weird.
He's been stroking himself too. It's such a hot thought.
He wants me to keep typing. I just want a cock inside me. I want it fucking me right now. I'm just sitting at my desk and I just want a cock fucking me. Sitting right here. I don't know how it would work. I want him in front of me. While I'm sitting at my desk. Typing. I can feel my wetness threatening to spill onto my panties. I want it to but I also want to be able to control myself.
Our call ended because the connection was weak.
He's telling me we'd find a random person off the street, the first guy I laid eyes on. He asked me what I would do and say, and I replied I would hug him and whisper, "I'm really fucking wet and I need you to fuck me right now."


...so yeah. I'm just gonna post this and hopefully no one I know reads it :D

Have a great day everyone!

Judgment

I'm feeling judged.

I want to go away for my birthday, and I'm seriously considering Australia.
Yes, part of the reason is so I get to have sex with people I've been talking to on Twitter, but the other part is to do something crazy and actually go somewhere other than North America for the first time ever.

I told my friend yesterday and she was all "yas girl go" (she's all on board for the sex part ha) she's in California on a break from work right now too, a break she really needs and deserves. It'd be for my 25th birthday too, and I kinda want to do something unexpected of myself. Australia is unexpected, and random, and I've heard good things. I think I could really chill there...

So I told my sister this morning about going (not about the sex omg) and she gave me this look like "with what money, you're not working, you have student loans, you're also paying rent, why the hell would you spend upwards of $5000 on a trip across the world." Not "hey, that'd be cool, sounds like a good time, you'll have fun, you need to get away from here."
Therefore, I'm conflicted. She brought my mood down about it when I was nervously excited before. I even looked up flights and hostels/airbnbs...

Yeah, now I feel tired and I want to stay in bed all day when I really need to finish this assignment for IDI. Ugh.


I hope you all are well. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for your birthday? (Don't tell me about those black out drunk times, those aren't fun.)

Hello!

I missed the last few days of blogs...Mostly because I ended up missing the vlog for Monday (the 11th) and caught up two videos on the 12th. And then yesterday, I uploaded my vlog and I shut down my computer when it dawned on me that I didn't write a blog :\ I didn't feel like starting up my computer again, so I just left it, and here we are heh heh.

I went to the gym with my sister on the 11th. That was it, she basically killed me because we lifted weights.
On the 12th, we went to a park/beach. It was a nice time. We also watched a movie, Around the World in 80 Days, which we had seen before. Popped popcorn and errything.
Then we made and ate breakfast together yesterday, and spent time separate from each other, watching shows and what not. Then I made pasta. Mhm.
Today, not much happened. I stayed in bed until like noon, ate food, made food...did some homework and here we are :D

NSFW Twitter is going okay. I'm...okay. I really need some kind of consistent work/volunteering thing I need to be held accountable for. Even though I'm really lazy and I don't know how I'd get there because even just walking down the street seems like a chore to me. Just walking out the door seems terrifying goddammit.

K, that is all. I hope you all had a lovely few days away from me lol.

Well

NSFW Twitter has been weird for me right now. Maybe it's because I've been talking to new people or because it's not enough anymore, like I want to have a real life encounter...It's still very arousing, but a lot of the accounts I come across are younger guys and gals, and I'd like to have conversations with those close to my age and/or older. They're hard to find it seems.

Also, I know myself, and if I was in a relationship, I don't think I could be around the person 24/7. I'd need to not be with them for a period of time, which might be unheard of for some people. Yes, having someone to cuddle with at night and to experience a portion of my life with would be great, but at the same time, I'd just be like, "K, go over there and leave me alone for a bit because I need my space." I'd like to know I can be someone without needing someone else. I've lived almost 25 years of my life without a partner and I still sometimes feel lost, not knowing who I am or where I belong; I'd need someone who would just add to or enhance to my already existing personality. That'd be great. That would also mean weeding through the 8 billion people on the planet to find the person. Not sure if I want to go through the trouble.

I mentioned I went to the state fair a couple days ago. I went with my church's youth group. This tends to happen anywhere I go when I also attend a place with my sister, but they all asked me where she was. And I had to repeat myself twenty times, saying she was at work. It's like they couldn't imagine me not being with her at all times of the day, which can be very annoying, like hello? I am an individual, not a pair with my sister, please care about me too. Ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what I did that day, not "hey, where's your sister? How come she's not here too?" Otherwise, don't ask me anything.

Anyway, I've logged out for now, before I spiral down into an emotional mess. I could feel it coming. My Twitter crush (or TC as some accounts have so aptly acronymed) has been busy and distant now, and he's the only one I really want to talk to. Don't think I'll be able to for a while still. (I have the distinct feeling he does not think of me the same way, which saddens me, but I'd rather have him in my life than not at all. I might just be hurting myself in the long run by doing this.)


I hope you all have been well!

Better

I feel better. Not just from the nauseous feeling I told you all about yesterday, but also emotionally. I talked about depression a couple times since starting this month of blogging, and I think keeping busy is a good solution. Maybe not the most healthy, but it's what I needed for myself. I stay home all the time, so finally getting out of the house like 5 days out of seven was incredible and really good for my well being. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do next week, maybe to go the library and get a library card, and also do some more shopping, hopefully getting what I actually need. We'll see.

I hope you all had a lovely day :)

Sick

Not actually sick.

But if you go to an amusement park or state fair and you see the ride Kamikaze, I recommend you run the hell away from it. Because I got a horrible headache and grossly queasy from it.

I Caught Feels Again

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think I caught feels...

I started talking to someone new on Twitter. Well, not new, we had followed each other closer to the beginning of my account creation and sporadically messaged each other for the past 2.5 months. But he's been really nice, asking me to tell him about myself. I asked him last night (for me, afternoon for him) if he messaged a lot of other girls, out of curiosity, not jealousy. The conversation continued and it got around to the topic of assuming things and how he didn't like it when people did it, because I had. It wasn't my intention to, it's just that how he phrased things previously, it made me think how most girls he talked to online weren't interested in getting to know him as a person, just wanted him to sext with them. I ended up getting hurt by that, and I thought it meant because I was attached to him. Just now, I realized it isn't...I like being liked. Not as a love interest, but as a friend. It's a good feeling. Obviously I can't please everyone in the world and I will always have haters, but when someone I talk to says he doesn't like a certain aspect of me in the moment, it makes me sad and makes me want to correct what I said. Plus, this is all conversation in text form, so facial expressions and intonation aren't conveyed, which could cause a lot of misunderstanding.
So, I didn't like that he made a generalization about me, that I assume things all the time. Does that make sense? :\

This kind of miscommunication has happened to me before, and it hasn't been the same with the person since really. At least, it's not the same to me. I don't know what he thinks about it. (This is the same guy I talked about the first time I talked about NSFW Twitter.)

I had a thought, something I wanted to add to the last paragraph. And then lost it. Story of my life! Haha.

I'm A Feminist?

I wrote about my NSFW Twitter. I wrote how I've gotten really emotional because of it. I think I wrote about how I've learned more about myself in the short period of time having that account than I have ever before in my life.

One of those things is how I wouldn't say no or stop.

With certain situations, I have said no. I've literally interrupted a personal orgasm because someone wanted to see what my vagina looked like while I rubbing my clitoris and close to cumming. I got so annoyed and frustrated, I stopped touching myself to rage.

I mean if I ever encountered someone who made me so turned on and so wanted, I don't think I'd say stop. I'd let him or her do whatever he or she wanted.

Consent is a huge deal these days, and it's so very important...So why the hell am I okay with the idea of letting someone have their way with me? We'd have a safe word if things got too intense sure, but would I use it?
I'm stubborn. It's a quality I've noticed in myself day in and day out. I would want to see how far someone would go with me. I'd want to prove him or her wrong, that I could take whatever he or she concocted.

I'm also a virgin. Would I actually go through with this thinking? I want to be treated a certain way so badly, but if it actually came down to it, would I be able to take it?

I titled this post the way I did because I am a feminist, but does this little fact about me make me not one? Every person in this world deserves happiness, pleasure. It's not wrong to take comfort in it. Does letting consent go out the window make me...misogynistic in some way?

Forest Fires

There's a forest fire in Washington right now. There's also one in California, in the Los Angeles area. Another hurricane is happening/gonna happen off the east coast of Canada/the US. How are peeps from Hurricane Harvey doing?

Clearly, I'm really good at keeping up with current news.

But doesn't this all kind of suck? I don't know about the hurricanes, but the forest fires; I get kinda angry and frustrated about those. I usually think the fires are human caused, and I'm right, I think. Are forest fires naturally occurring? Can they be? Because I don't think they can, so obviously it was someone's fault for the fire. Whether it be a cigarette butt or starting a fire somewhere where he/she/they (in the multiple people sense, not the pronoun for sexuality usage) shouldn't have. Like why. WHY. Does he/she/they realize what he's/she's/they're doing? That he/she/they could cause thousands of people to be displaced from their homes, or animals to be trapped and also homeless? Not to mention all the people who risk their lives to put the fire out because of his/her/their stupidity. UGH.

My mom's car was covered in ashes today, and the breathing air isn't too good, but it's freaking hot so all the windows are open in the house and I had to walk around the city today to get places...My bed also had ashes all over it, and I brushed most of the particles off, but I'm sure I'll still be sleeping in burnt trees.
Our eyes got really dry too, moisture's gone from the air.

Mother mentioned we're getting rain Thursday. I hope so.

Are any of you experiencing natural/unnatural disasters? What do you think about it happening?

I Probably Have Depression

I haven't been to the doctor to get it checked out though. I have this thing about doctors. I know they're supposed to help, but in the end, all they do is give advice and prescribe a drug. I know medicine is meant to be good for you, however I don't like putting chemicals in my body. Yeah yeah, naturalist bull crap but I mean it. I want to feel everything, even though it sometimes sucks. I don't want to be drugged out, taking a pill to make my brain seemingly better when it's not. Or maybe my thinking isn't right, that I've been conditioned to think this way somehow.

I had major mood swings today. My day started out well, and then it got annoying, sad, bad, sad, okay. My night is better, I've been talking to people on my NSFW Twitter, and legit just talking.

There was more I wanted to add to this, but I'm horny (I got horny) and I want to see if I can cum (by myself).

What do you guys think about doctors? Do you have depression? How do you cope/live with it? Is my thinking of medication wrong?

Eeeeeehm

I think of topics I want to write about during the month/week/day and then promptly forget when I write...Some bloggers are better than I obviously LOL.

So today is just a bleh blog.

I had a good day though, probably because I was actually out of the house for most of the day instead of cooped up in my room, by myself. And I find I'm really tired so I think I'm going to wash up and rest my head for the night. I may wake up earlier in the morning than I'd like, but we shall see.

Have a good day? Tell me why in the comments :)

Trapped Inside

I'm vlogging every day in September. I've also decided to blog every day in September, so hopefully this will go well.

I looked up a writing prompt and the title is the first one that popped up on Google. Well, the actual prompt is:

This wasn’t the first time I had been trapped inside a _________ , but it was the first time I had to escape in order to save a life. Here’s what happened.

I won't be...creatively writing though, I'll just be writing what I think of the idea.

Being trapped inside. Figuratively and literally for me.
Figuratively in the sense that I feel pressured to do something with my life, by people around me but also by my own person, my own thoughts. I'm only 24 (25 in 2.5 months) and I don't have anything I'm especially passionate about or something I want to do for a long time.
Literally because I'm (not supposed to be) living in a 55+ community. (I've mentioned this before in my I Moved... post I'm sure but) When my family and I moved down to the States, my parents weren't able to get a mortgage, and the only possible accommodation they could buy and afford was a mobile home in an enclosed space for elderly people...Technically, 35 years olds are also allowed to live here, but I am 10 years young as well as my sister. The contract they signed to buy this place stated that anyone younger than 35 was not allowed to live on the premises. Yet here we are. My sister has been living here much longer than I have and she doesn't care about walking out the front door. I on the other hand am distressed with the idea of walking out the door in case someone tells the property manager/owner about us living here. So I just stay in my room for most of my time. It's not like I'm not doing anything, I'm just not moving much.

There isn't even much walking distance around here so getting a job for me would be difficult: civilization literally takes 40-60 minutes to get to and I'm not about that life. Yes, I'm lazy and that's a not-so-good personality trait to have, but I have it anyway. If I got a job that required me to be there earlier on off days, I wouldn't be able to. It takes me 2-3 hours to psyche myself up to get ready and out the door, and sometimes when I plan to go to the mall, I don't even do that because I think about how much of a nuisance it would be. Trust me, I've done it before, spent 7 hours out and walked everywhere the entire time. The next few days afterwards, I was in bed all day because of how worn out I was from walking.

Now I'm complaining. Woot.


I'm actually sitting in the hallway because it's cooler than my room (which gets the setting sun and therefore gets hot as balls in the late afternoon/evening). And everyone is out so I'm not in anyone's way.

So yeah. I do want to look for a job though; I'm spending some money here and there every once in a while, and it will accumulate until I don't have anything left in my savings eventually. Should be fun. T-T

I Might Be Depressed

I'm not diagnosed with depression. I don't take medication for it. But I've been feeling emotional for a while now and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't have anyone to tell about this so I'm turning to my blog, clearly. (I don't like how I missed writing a post last month \: )

No one from my real life reads this? At least I hope not. There's a lot I've been doing in the last couple-ish months that I'm not comfortable sharing with anyone, that I haven't shared with anyone except for one person. But even then, I'm not getting comfort or advice.

I made a second Twitter account in I think it was this past June. I created it to be a miscellaneous account, one for my writing and also for some game apps I play on my phone. It was to be an outlet where I could say whatever I wanted instead of using my main, personal account. As the days went on, it turned into an 18+/NSFW account. I hadn't planned for it to become that way, but I reply tweeted to one of Pornhub's tweets and it kinda blew up...I didn't start getting influxes of DMs until a few weeks after though.
Then, I got attached. Quickly. It was the scariest thing that has probably ever happened to me other than experiencing my dad's rage, but maybe even more scarier because it was happening inside of me, not because of an exterior, seeable thing. I told myself I couldn't form crushes on people because they were far away (east coast N. America, the UK, and Australia mainly), but it kept happening: once briefly with one person and now with another person that has lasted since...a month and a half now.

The thing about NSFW Twitter is that time goes very slowly there. I had been chatting with a man for what seemed like months when it only turned out to be a couple weeks. He had that much of an effect on me. Plus, now I've only had that account for about 2 months when it feels like I've been tweeting on it and interacting with people for much longer. I ended up breaking the guy's trust, a silly prank (I thought it was funny, he did not), and we haven't been the same since then. He used to wake me up with good mornings and make me orgasm multiple times gorgeously every time, but it's not like that at all anymore. I inwardly torture myself for a message from him. I've dreamt about him...I don't think he regards me in the same manner.
But there are other guys who probably think about me that way, which is odd because I don't think I'm anything special.
Words can only go so far.

At one point early on in our messages, the guy I've now fallen for told me he can't be with me for emotional support as much as he'd like to be. He said I needed to find that support with other people, to keep up with the relationships I have, to not stray away from reality. Let's just say my reality is really bleak right now, boring, uneventful. I looked forward to talking to him every day. I still do. But I've come to realize I shouldn't. One day we might meet, but for right now, it's just a fantasy. A dream. I'm not reality.
Messaging is like that: you can log out, turn off notifications, ignore. I logged out of my account all day yesterday, checked it this morning briefly because I was really horny, replied to some messages, then logged out to watch porn and make myself cum. I've still logged out.

The thing about NSFW Twitter is that there's always someone. It's worldwide. You say good night to one person, you say good morning to another. I have spent entire days chatting with people before, and that was...Not something I'd do again.

I want to tell my mom about it. About everything. After thinking I wouldn't tell anyone, tonight, as I was sitting at the dining table with my parents, I thought I wanted to tell her. I wanted to cry. Because I was scared what she'd think of me.
I was raised going to church. I was told to always bring a future boyfriend home to meet my dad. I was told to get married before sex. Sex wasn't brought up. Contraception was never brought up. I started masturbating (in secret) with a vibrating back massager when I was somewhere between 10 and 14, and one day I couldn't find it anymore. Obviously it wasn't so secret to either my mom or dad. Yet neither of them brought it up with me or my sister. Like it was a sin to pleasure yourself.
Years later, like only about a year ago, I was going through my mom's things, looking for something, when I found a vibrator in her bedside table. Talk about yuck, but I was shocked. Maybe I shouldn't have been. I may have told this story before but once I asked my mom if she would mind if I dated someone casually. She said no, and that answer surprised me too, because of all the aforementioned at the beginning of this paragraph.
I once also found out she had been flirting with a man that wasn't my dad on one of her free online messaging apps. It was the dumbest situation too: she was in Korea on a trip for a conference and she had suddenly texted me to delete the app from her laptop. I thought it was weird, I asked her why, but she said to just do it. Obviously I got curious so I looked up some messages first. I was so devastated, I cried for two days. What's more, I think my dad had also seen the messages. I don't know what happened after that, but I loathed living with her for a long time. I still do. I don't trust her at all.
She's a woman. Obviously she needed some kind of relief, some kind of pleasure in her life when she didn't have any (really trying not to think about her and my dad having sex, ugh). But she can't bring herself to bring up the conversation with me or my sister. How can I bring up the conversation?
I was trying to think of a way: take her out to dinner and somehow get on the topic? Isn't that kind of weird to do in a public place? Or would it be safer to talk about it in public, because then we'd be able to switch the subject quickly? I feel like being at home would be weirder, since my sister might be around and so would my dad.



That made me feel better. Writing usually does...
Let me know if you have any thoughts about this in the comments. I'd like to hear them.
Thanks for reading.

My Parents

I realized something recently. Again.

My parents go to extremes when it comes to my sister and I. If I'm sad and crying, I'm depressed. If I'm only eating cereal for lunch, I'm starving myself. If I haven't cleaned my bathroom or dusted my room for a couple days, my mom goes from 0 to 60 in half a second.

I wonder if I could be homeless. I get this feeling every once in a while that my parents will throw me out of the house, and it scares me and intrigues me. I'd be scared because what parent would do that to their kid. Granted, I'm an adult who has no idea what the hell she's doing with her life, but as my mom constantly points out, I won't know how she feels until I become a parent (gag) and she loves me. Whatever that means. Basically, at this point in my life, I am no longer their child but a boarder in their house. I've felt this way for a few years now.
I'm intrigued because I haven't ever felt homeless before...Actually, that's a lie, I feel homeless right now. Although I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, this doesn't feel like home. Obviously this is nothing compared to the people who are actually living without a roof over their head and a bed to sleep in, but maybe I could experience this kind of life to appreciate what I have now. Or I could experience it to finally get my act together and do something like go back to school (gag again) or find a job that interests me and try it out.

Ack. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. I'm still just very lost and it feels like I have no one to talk to.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I Moved...

...To a different country.

I'm Canadian, born and raised in Canada all my life, but about a month ago, I moved across the border to Washington State. I was pretty miserable during the first few weeks. Where I live, technically I'm not even supposed to be here: it's a 55+ community so I feel a bit constricted. It's also far away from everything, like you have to drive everywhere and it takes at least an hour to walk anywhere whereas I'm used to things being 30 minutes away or less walking distance.

I'm trying to make the best of it though. I'm taking an online interior design course so that's keeping me busy. I've also been writing every day this month with given prompts. It's been interesting, trying to come up with something on the spot. I have a couple more days to go (I still have to write today's prompt) and I'm a little sad for it to be over. Just means I'll have to be all the more diligent with the projects I've already started. I've been busy on social media too and watching my shows, including re-runs of certain episodes I really love...I get self-conscious when people ask me about me getting a job, but I want to take my time with that: I don't even know what I want to do with my life and doing something I don't like to do (ie. customer service) doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm being picky, and I think I have a right to be. At least, at the moment I do. We'll see what happens in the next few months.

I've noticed a few bad things while living here: people suck at driving, parking, and the traffic sucks no matter what time of day. I guess the positives would be that gas, food, and clothes are cheaper here, although with the Canadian dollar being so bad, I haven't been doing much shopping of any kind.

So yeah, that's me right now. I hope all of you are doing aiight :P

Dear Future Offspring

You will not exist.

I thought you would once.

Tonight, I picked up my sister from work. Because we currently live in two different countries with me visiting her at the moment, I'm unable to use my cellphone, so on this particular drive, I didn't bring mine with me (plus I needed it to regain battery). I got to her workplace and saw that the place was completely dark and no one was standing outside the establishment. I went to the back of the building to see if she was standing there or waiting inside a co-worker's car, but no one was there. I made a couple rounds of the block, waited for a minute, then decided to come back home because she could have gotten a ride from said co-worker. I come home to discover that she is not home, so I call her using her home phone line and she says she's standing outside the building. To my annoyance, I have to hop back into the car and drive back to where I just was.

As I was lying down, playing Candy Crush before going to bed, I realized I don't like being responsible for people. I don't like that other people have this power over me to be worried about them. I love my sister but I still don't like that she has this ability to make me feel annoyed without feeling annoyed and guilty herself. I don't like that I'm mad to the point of crying while she's just contentedly going about her night. I don't like that I have to cater to her every whim because she is the youngest or because she feels entitled to ask for things and bother people.
Maybe that's why I don't like asking other people for things, to do things with me, to hang out, to have a meal together, to buy something for me. I don't like depending on other people and I don't like that other people have to depend on me.

That's probably why I like being alone so much and would rather be alone. Whoever said we need other people was right, but I'm good with just texting, messaging, or emailing. Hell, even regular mail would be great.

So, to the kids I had planned for and already picked the names out for, I hope you find a better time with someone else. Because it won't be with me.

I Don't Like Romance

I realized in the shower that I don't like romance. I might like it in real life (although I can't say for sure since I haven't been in a romantic relationship before, but the idea is kinda sweet) but when it comes to romance in media like TV, movies, and books, I do not enjoy it at all.

This thought came about this past weekend. A friend and I drove up to Kamloops to visit another friend, and we were thinking of things to watch on Netflix. The series Riverdale came up, and my Kamloops friend compared it to The Vampire Diaries and How To Get Away With Murder. I don't like those two shows, but suddenly today, in the shower, I really thought about why I didn't like them. So, I've seen odd episodes of TVD and I've watched half of HTGAWM's first season. I told my friend that the characters annoyed me, but the real reason is because those shows are romance driven...Like if TVD wasn't initially about Elena irrationally falling in love with Stefan and more about their world of vampires in itself without the need of a male, I'd probably be interested. Or how HTGAWM's plot is really furthered by affairs, I probably would have continued watching it. It just got so annoying and very unrealistic...

Then I thought about the TV I do watch: I watch crime shows (NCIS, Criminal Minds, Elementary, Grimm, and recently I've been marathoning Hawaii Five-0). It is people-based plot, more about human nature and how to deal with it; the romance is very much side-lined and I like that a lot. Of course there are romantic notes every once in a while, but it doesn't suffer with or without it. If the love interests were completely taken out of TVD and HTGAWM, I don't think there'd be much of a show.

Meh, my thoughts. What do you think of romance?

Therapy

I'm not going to therapy. Yet. But I just remembered how therapeutic writing is for me. I wrote once in a post that I felt better after writing about whatever problems I had at the time. It's still true. I wish I felt that way more with actual writing, not typing. Typing is a lot faster though, my fingers keep up with my thoughts quicker.

I wrote a note on my Facebook page and published it for all my friends to see. I'm going to regret it. Basically I'm going through some work issues, mainly with the store manager. She's new, since October I think. I gave in my resignation letter last week after a year and eight months of working there, and I will have received 12 hours worth of work in two weeks compared to the 40 I would normally get. My hours have instead gone to a fellow associate who was hired for the season to help me in the back. I like him, but I don't like him right now because he is getting my hours. I also mentioned how I'd rather have friends who do rather than friends who don't, who talk instead of act.

All my friends are talkers; I realize I was forced into the listener part. I am a better listener than talker though, but I know I have a lot to say, I'm just really bad at saying it. I stutter, I trip over my words, a lot of the times I can't find the right word. I like writing better because I get to think about what I want to say before actually saying it. If I do that in real life (thinking before I speak), it takes too long and I usually forget what I want to say in the first place. I think that's why I regret a lot of things I've said in the past, things I've said when I was in elementary school and high school and even university and as a worker in retail...I think I sound like an idiot. I think that's why I'd rather talk through text form, even though actual text messages can be annoying (texting while the other person is responding immediately is hard work, fingertips gotta move real fast).

I am going to do something about my situation though. I will. It's late now, but in the morning I will do what I want to and have to do. For the sake of future associates at the store I work at. I don't want anyone else to be treated the way I was treated.