For the past five years or so, I've had the struggle of finding someone to cut my hair. Yesterday, I went to Great Clips and a young lady got to have the privilege. For the price I paid, I expected the cut to be not so great...And I was correct.
To those just tuning in, I'm Asian. In the past five years or so, I have realized a few things about my hair and what I need from whoever cuts it:
1. She/He needs to be Asian.
Okay, not "needs to be," but someone who understands how Asian hair has to be cut. No matter who the Asian is, Asian hair is thick as all hell. Even if you hear an Asian (or specifically an Oriental) say that their hair is thin, call bullshit. The only Asians who have thin hair are probably babies and possibly the elderly. Every time I have gone to a white person and asked for "a trim and thin," they don't understand.
2. I need to be able to go at least three months without having to get a haircut.
For the price I pay at any hair studio (I've paid between $30 and $50 over the years, and every time have been utterly disappointed), I should be able to without a cut for the next months, not go back the next day. Great Clips was an exception because the price I paid wasn't anywhere near that, but I've had an experience where I literally paid $50 and had to go back the next day because the stylist missed cutting a bunch of long strands right above my ears and she left blunt cuts at the back of my head. Like, excuse me, did you not realize I would go home and inspect every inch of my head? You think I don't have two mirrors so I can look at the back of my head? Bitch please. Also, a month after getting the haircut, I shouldn't have an oddly shaped head of hair. *****You KNOW you have a good hairdresser on your hands when you can go months on end without having to go back. Don't EVER let them go because they're gems and hard to find if you lose them. I know, because I had an amazing hairdresser, and then she moved away to a less reachable area by transit, and have been depressed ever since.
3. She/He has to be creative.
That perfect hairdresser I mentioned a few seconds ago? Whenever I told her what I wanted (usually a trim here and there, and a thin), she did that and more. She gave me cuts that were above and beyond my expectations, always different, but they were constantly gorgeous. The cost was unbelievably inexpensive as well, but I always tipped well because she deserved it. These past years though? Very uninspired. I find that no matter who I go to, my hair always looks the same, just a tiny bit shorter. Am I asking too much? I'm even trying to grow my hair out! How does it still look similar though?
That's all I've got for now. Every time in the past five years or whatever, I've always had to take up a pair of scissors and snip more than a few strands of hair for myself. It might be my fault for entrusting my hair to so many different people and never getting the results I want, but I think it's fair to want more hair stylists to understand that there are more hair types and colours and cuts in the world than just what they're used to. No one's hair is the same and these hair people need to understand that. I have a friend who has extremely curly hair and she has to see a specialist to tame her curls. Unfortunately, since the hairdresser is a specialist, she charges an arm and a leg and is usually booked for a couple months before my friend can get an appointment. I've had another friend with curly hair who said most hair stylists straighten her hair before cutting it. Excuse me but that straight hair curls back up after a shower and then you can't see the difference, so what's the point?
What are your hair woes? Got any tips for me?
Tuesday 29 November 2016
Thursday 10 November 2016
My Thoughts: Election 2016
I don't go on Facebook much anymore. There was a period of time after university where I constantly checked Facebook, even though I was only on the site 30 seconds ago; it became depressing. After this election, however, I wondered what the people I considered my friends were thinking about the results. And I was surprised by who supported whom.
I'm going to be honest: if I could have voted in this election, I would have voted Democratic. There are some things that I could not ever imagine a presidential candidate saying or doing, and yet the Republican candidate has said them. However, I understand one or two of the reasons why voting red would be beneficial. From what I have been told by others (and have considered for myself), the Republican candidate isn't a politician and therefore somewhat blind to certain things associated with the field (whether this is good or bad, you can decide). This person also wouldn't likely be corrupted by outside forces (ie. big oil companies and other politicians) because of their financial state and way of thinking, although stubborn. But that's about it. Everything else that has been said orally or social medially by this candidate was and still is outrageous to me, things I don't think a future president would say.
That being said, both candidates were two bad choices and it could have gone either way. Me being a woman, of colour, in a minority like many in the North Americas, an ally to the LGBTQ community though, I would have voted Democratic.
But now that the Republican candidate has become president, there's not much else for me to say. I just hope that much of what this person has said in his campaign rallies and so on don't come to fruition in the four upcoming years. I hope he realizes how important this job he will be undertaking is because it's unfathomable, I hope he becomes humble in the face of huge decisions, and I hope he will listen to the advice of those he surrounds himself.
I hope.
I'm going to be honest: if I could have voted in this election, I would have voted Democratic. There are some things that I could not ever imagine a presidential candidate saying or doing, and yet the Republican candidate has said them. However, I understand one or two of the reasons why voting red would be beneficial. From what I have been told by others (and have considered for myself), the Republican candidate isn't a politician and therefore somewhat blind to certain things associated with the field (whether this is good or bad, you can decide). This person also wouldn't likely be corrupted by outside forces (ie. big oil companies and other politicians) because of their financial state and way of thinking, although stubborn. But that's about it. Everything else that has been said orally or social medially by this candidate was and still is outrageous to me, things I don't think a future president would say.
That being said, both candidates were two bad choices and it could have gone either way. Me being a woman, of colour, in a minority like many in the North Americas, an ally to the LGBTQ community though, I would have voted Democratic.
But now that the Republican candidate has become president, there's not much else for me to say. I just hope that much of what this person has said in his campaign rallies and so on don't come to fruition in the four upcoming years. I hope he realizes how important this job he will be undertaking is because it's unfathomable, I hope he becomes humble in the face of huge decisions, and I hope he will listen to the advice of those he surrounds himself.
I hope.
Friday 2 September 2016
Holding My Breath
I just had a full fledged panic attack.
How do I even deal with these emotions right now...
My sister moved not even an hour ago to go live in my parents' place in Washington State and my mom is driving her down. My mom will be staying in the US for the weekend and coming back up either Sunday or Monday but most likely Monday since it's a holiday. I'm going to be alone this weekend. I've been alone before for the same amount of time but this time is different, I can't figure out why but it is and I'm scared. Currently texting a friend to hang out because I don't think I can be by myself for the next three days.
Work has been shit too so that's probably not helping me with what's going on right now. I really don't like my job but I'm in a situation where I can't back out until I know where I'm going next in my life.
I want someone to just be there for me. You know how you tell someone about what's going on in your life and he/she just says, "It'll be fine, it'll get better" etc etc? Yeah, no, fuck that person. I know it'll be fine and that it'll get better, that this is just a giant ass bump in the road and I have to go over it because that's the way roads work: you go over the bumps and the potholes, you don't put on the brakes because of them. Just sit with me in my current misery and empathize for two seconds because I'm going through a horrible time that you can't even imagine because you might not experience anxiety the way I do.
Anyone else need to vent? I'm here.
How do I even deal with these emotions right now...
My sister moved not even an hour ago to go live in my parents' place in Washington State and my mom is driving her down. My mom will be staying in the US for the weekend and coming back up either Sunday or Monday but most likely Monday since it's a holiday. I'm going to be alone this weekend. I've been alone before for the same amount of time but this time is different, I can't figure out why but it is and I'm scared. Currently texting a friend to hang out because I don't think I can be by myself for the next three days.
Work has been shit too so that's probably not helping me with what's going on right now. I really don't like my job but I'm in a situation where I can't back out until I know where I'm going next in my life.
I want someone to just be there for me. You know how you tell someone about what's going on in your life and he/she just says, "It'll be fine, it'll get better" etc etc? Yeah, no, fuck that person. I know it'll be fine and that it'll get better, that this is just a giant ass bump in the road and I have to go over it because that's the way roads work: you go over the bumps and the potholes, you don't put on the brakes because of them. Just sit with me in my current misery and empathize for two seconds because I'm going through a horrible time that you can't even imagine because you might not experience anxiety the way I do.
Anyone else need to vent? I'm here.
Monday 20 June 2016
Figuring It Out/Money Talk
I had an urge to just pack a bag and leave town. It's kind of becoming a thing but my anxiety kicks in every time and I just stay put. I have a job, and saving money is important to me right now. My last day at work is going to be in August though...Things are going down within management and I don't want to stick around long enough to find out what happens/to see all the work I put into my job go to shit.
Anyway, my sister wants to go to LA in August too though, and my friends and I have been planning a day/weekend trip to a hot springs in August as well, so might as well make as much money as I can now before taking off and doing those things. I have another friend who is going to Korea in September and I kinda want to tag along, if she'll welcome me.
I get so torn doing trips though: I like having money in my bank account, but it's supposed to be spent and good times are supposed to be made with the earnings. It just sucks because after I quit my job, I won't have anything to come back to and my savings will dwindle down until I'm desperate.
Money is such a fickle thing. I hate it but I love it; it's dangerous. Get greedy and it will never be enough; be frivolous and spend it all and then you have nothing to live on. Such a dilemma.
Anyway, my sister wants to go to LA in August too though, and my friends and I have been planning a day/weekend trip to a hot springs in August as well, so might as well make as much money as I can now before taking off and doing those things. I have another friend who is going to Korea in September and I kinda want to tag along, if she'll welcome me.
I get so torn doing trips though: I like having money in my bank account, but it's supposed to be spent and good times are supposed to be made with the earnings. It just sucks because after I quit my job, I won't have anything to come back to and my savings will dwindle down until I'm desperate.
Money is such a fickle thing. I hate it but I love it; it's dangerous. Get greedy and it will never be enough; be frivolous and spend it all and then you have nothing to live on. Such a dilemma.
Thursday 2 June 2016
Mother
...I was going to write this whole blog post about how I hate my mom, like actually, truly hate her, but I'm over it.
Huh. That was fun.
How are you guys doing?
I'm okay, considering what's been going on in my life. I'm not even sure how to explain how I'm feeling because it's a lot. Would I even remember to come back to this blog to reminisce? I guess I should try: my dad gave me a very heated lecture a few days before he moved to the house my parents bought in the States, about how I'm not doing anything with my life and how I'm sucking the life out of my parents. That I'm at an age where I should be living on my own. After that, I started paying rent and buying my own groceries, stubbornly not eating any of the food my mom bought. Things were getting less awkward but that was stupidity because we were basically just ignoring the fact that we even had an "argument." Work is getting a little hectic because my store manager and the manager in training quit, and our district manager isn't doing anything to calm us all down; today was the MIT's last day at work. Otherwise, I like my job. These days, I'm finding less and less to do though because everything looks good. My sister moved back in with us yesterday (it was a surprise to me since no one told me) and it's weird having her around again. Then today, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Costco with her and I said yes. By the time we got down to the car though, she told me to go back up to the apartment because she didn't want me to come with her. I scoffed at her and asked why did she even ask me to go. She responded that she didn't expect me to say yes.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back to just making food for myself and ignoring the world because that's the kind of mood I'm in. I even thought if my mom died today, I'd be okay with it. Hell, if I died today, I'd be okay with that too. Maybe that'd be better for everyone. But I'm a coward, so someone else would have to kill me...It's sick that I hope every day that someone crashes their car into mine or that a drive-by shooting happens when I walk to and from work.
Huh. That was fun.
How are you guys doing?
I'm okay, considering what's been going on in my life. I'm not even sure how to explain how I'm feeling because it's a lot. Would I even remember to come back to this blog to reminisce? I guess I should try: my dad gave me a very heated lecture a few days before he moved to the house my parents bought in the States, about how I'm not doing anything with my life and how I'm sucking the life out of my parents. That I'm at an age where I should be living on my own. After that, I started paying rent and buying my own groceries, stubbornly not eating any of the food my mom bought. Things were getting less awkward but that was stupidity because we were basically just ignoring the fact that we even had an "argument." Work is getting a little hectic because my store manager and the manager in training quit, and our district manager isn't doing anything to calm us all down; today was the MIT's last day at work. Otherwise, I like my job. These days, I'm finding less and less to do though because everything looks good. My sister moved back in with us yesterday (it was a surprise to me since no one told me) and it's weird having her around again. Then today, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Costco with her and I said yes. By the time we got down to the car though, she told me to go back up to the apartment because she didn't want me to come with her. I scoffed at her and asked why did she even ask me to go. She responded that she didn't expect me to say yes.
Anyway, I'm gonna go back to just making food for myself and ignoring the world because that's the kind of mood I'm in. I even thought if my mom died today, I'd be okay with it. Hell, if I died today, I'd be okay with that too. Maybe that'd be better for everyone. But I'm a coward, so someone else would have to kill me...It's sick that I hope every day that someone crashes their car into mine or that a drive-by shooting happens when I walk to and from work.
Thursday 21 April 2016
Blogging
Apparently blogging relieves anxiety in teens.
I'm no longer a teen, but I have realized in the last 30 minutes that I have anxiety more than I thought I did...
Everyone worries, obviously, but when do those worries become anxiety? How did I even get anxiety?
It...sucks how much I've changed in the past few years, because I don't like the person I've become. I totally addressed this in my last post. It's so frustrating because I do want to be someone else, someone I've been before, but there's no way I can go back to being that person because I don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending. I've become so much more sad and stoic and boring. I'm in my 20s for God's sake; I should be having the time of my life! But I'm not. I'm always at home, always in front of my laptop, always not talking to anyone in real life, always avoiding the important topics.
...I'm so pitiful.
I'm no longer a teen, but I have realized in the last 30 minutes that I have anxiety more than I thought I did...
Everyone worries, obviously, but when do those worries become anxiety? How did I even get anxiety?
It...sucks how much I've changed in the past few years, because I don't like the person I've become. I totally addressed this in my last post. It's so frustrating because I do want to be someone else, someone I've been before, but there's no way I can go back to being that person because I don't feel like putting on a mask and pretending. I've become so much more sad and stoic and boring. I'm in my 20s for God's sake; I should be having the time of my life! But I'm not. I'm always at home, always in front of my laptop, always not talking to anyone in real life, always avoiding the important topics.
...I'm so pitiful.
Monday 21 March 2016
Self-Diagnosed Depression
I'm in my own head a lot these days. And I think it's turning out for the worst...I don't have anyone to talk to so I talk to myself, I figure out problems by myself, I tell myself I'll be fine, I'm alone most of the time anyway so I just deal with it by myself. Keeping it in is the worst part because I'm scared I'm going to self destruct and I don't want that to happen.
I don't remember if I mentioned in my last post that I've thought about looking for a therapist. I have been though. Something's keeping me from actually Googling anything though. There's a stigma attached to seeing head doctors, and while I don't believe it myself, my dad does. He thinks it's weird going to a stranger to talk about your issues, he thinks whatever problems you have can be figured out internally/with your own family. I don't think that way, but my hesitation comes from anxiety: what if going to see someone ends up making whatever's wrong with me worse than it is? What if this person does more harm than good? And what happens after that? I know reviews of people in this profession exist, but I'm not really into reviews. Everything in this world is subjective, so you can't always take a person's word as it is. Like in university, a lot of people didn't like a certain professor, but when I ended up taking his class, I thought he was a good teacher. It's all about perspective, and my opinions were different from everyone else's. I also don't read movie reviews or watch trailers because my perception could be altered from these things; I'm good at finding my own conclusions about everything.
But I'm horrible at ending blog posts. My personal journal entires I'm fine with ending however, but since this is made available for the public to see, it's harder.
I used to be okay with myself. I was in a good place. I can't say I was ever completely miserable before, but I knew I was on the uptake: I was happy with who I was and I was excited for what was going to come in the future. Now, I'm falling and I'm falling hard. I'm some place worse than I was when I was sad the first time, and I really don't like it. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel (which is such a cliché way of saying it), but I can't. I don't know what to do.
I don't remember if I mentioned in my last post that I've thought about looking for a therapist. I have been though. Something's keeping me from actually Googling anything though. There's a stigma attached to seeing head doctors, and while I don't believe it myself, my dad does. He thinks it's weird going to a stranger to talk about your issues, he thinks whatever problems you have can be figured out internally/with your own family. I don't think that way, but my hesitation comes from anxiety: what if going to see someone ends up making whatever's wrong with me worse than it is? What if this person does more harm than good? And what happens after that? I know reviews of people in this profession exist, but I'm not really into reviews. Everything in this world is subjective, so you can't always take a person's word as it is. Like in university, a lot of people didn't like a certain professor, but when I ended up taking his class, I thought he was a good teacher. It's all about perspective, and my opinions were different from everyone else's. I also don't read movie reviews or watch trailers because my perception could be altered from these things; I'm good at finding my own conclusions about everything.
But I'm horrible at ending blog posts. My personal journal entires I'm fine with ending however, but since this is made available for the public to see, it's harder.
I used to be okay with myself. I was in a good place. I can't say I was ever completely miserable before, but I knew I was on the uptake: I was happy with who I was and I was excited for what was going to come in the future. Now, I'm falling and I'm falling hard. I'm some place worse than I was when I was sad the first time, and I really don't like it. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel (which is such a cliché way of saying it), but I can't. I don't know what to do.
Sunday 6 March 2016
Life
It has been a while.
I also seem to only ever post when I'm sad and/or discouraged. Well.
These days I'm not feeling like myself. Actually, I don't even know who I am anymore so I can't really pinpoint what "feeling like myself" really means. I'm just...lost? Feeling alone? I want to talk to someone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I've thought about looking up a psychiatrist or therapist, but I'm not in a position to pay someone to listen to what I have to say. Also, I wouldn't even know where to start if I physically went to a head doctor...Would I start talking about my childhood like in the movies? Or would I just start talking about what's bothering me right now? And then, in my head and like in the movies, the doctor would just say, "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about," and then I'd be screwed and probably not ever want to talk. Or I'd just keep talking and not stop for however long a session is (most likely an hour) and the doctor wouldn't even have time to give me advice and just shoo me out the door...I swear, the things in my head.
I'm probably clinically crazy.
If I had friends who were good at listening and who actually cared about me, then I'd be set, but I don't have anyone like that. Or at least, I haven't ever felt I have anyone like that.
I also don't feel happy. My ultimate dream in life is to be happy, I realized. I don't need a husband, a big house, or cars...I just want to be happy to be alive and to be living. Right now, I'm not feeling that way at all. For the past couple weeks, I've had the thought that if I died, I'd be okay with it, because I have nothing exciting going on, because no one cares. My parents and I don't have conversations anymore, we're basically strangers in our own home; my sister doesn't live with me so it kinda feels like we're intruding on each other's life when we see each other; and I don't talk with the rest of my family on any kind of basis (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents).
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Good stuff right?
I also seem to only ever post when I'm sad and/or discouraged. Well.
These days I'm not feeling like myself. Actually, I don't even know who I am anymore so I can't really pinpoint what "feeling like myself" really means. I'm just...lost? Feeling alone? I want to talk to someone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I've thought about looking up a psychiatrist or therapist, but I'm not in a position to pay someone to listen to what I have to say. Also, I wouldn't even know where to start if I physically went to a head doctor...Would I start talking about my childhood like in the movies? Or would I just start talking about what's bothering me right now? And then, in my head and like in the movies, the doctor would just say, "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about," and then I'd be screwed and probably not ever want to talk. Or I'd just keep talking and not stop for however long a session is (most likely an hour) and the doctor wouldn't even have time to give me advice and just shoo me out the door...I swear, the things in my head.
I'm probably clinically crazy.
If I had friends who were good at listening and who actually cared about me, then I'd be set, but I don't have anyone like that. Or at least, I haven't ever felt I have anyone like that.
I also don't feel happy. My ultimate dream in life is to be happy, I realized. I don't need a husband, a big house, or cars...I just want to be happy to be alive and to be living. Right now, I'm not feeling that way at all. For the past couple weeks, I've had the thought that if I died, I'd be okay with it, because I have nothing exciting going on, because no one cares. My parents and I don't have conversations anymore, we're basically strangers in our own home; my sister doesn't live with me so it kinda feels like we're intruding on each other's life when we see each other; and I don't talk with the rest of my family on any kind of basis (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents).
So yeah. That's where I'm at. Good stuff right?
Sunday 3 January 2016
"Religion"
I've been thinking about what I believe in recently. I know I believe in God, but what most people think of when the term "Christian" is mentioned tends to have a bad connotation. Which isn't all that great for those who do consider themselves Christians.
My definition of a Christian is someone who has a relationship with God; someone who is Christ-like; someone who treats others as he/she would want to be treated...It has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday, Bible-thumping, telling everyone that they're going to hell if they don't believe in God. The people who do that mean well, but I wouldn't want to be bombarded like that if I didn't believe.
I went to church today. I haven't been in the past couple weeks because of work and because I was tired from work. I realized I don't like church, or "organized religion," because to me, that's what it is. It's fake. The pastors and those involved with the church just make me uncomfortable with their constant "take part in some way, volunteer, do something helpful every Sunday," and if you miss a week, it feels like you're condemned and everyone just avoids you.
The "community" isn't a community at all...The word community is fake in itself. Everyone only ever looks out for themselves, and I think it's creepy if someone you don't consider a friend tries to get some insight into your life when you didn't ask them for advice or whatever.
Aand back to my normal, not so serious writing tone XD
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! I've been away as you noticed, mostly just working. I haven't checked this blog in a long time, and I haven't updated my dream blog in a long time too...I'm sad I haven't kept up with it, even though I have notes of past dreams still kicking around my room. I haven't been able to remember a lot of my dreams recently as well: I don't have a bedside table anymore so I can't jot down notes on a notepad as soon as I wake up, and I find taking notes on my phone to be not as effective (ie. I don't like typing on my phone as soon as I wake up).
I guess to just recap the last half 2015: I moved to an apartment, I've been working at my two workplaces, and I recently quit from one of my workplaces (I got demoted because I requested time off, so I figured I should just leave because what the hell kind of reason is that) and will just be working at the other. WOOT. I hope you all are well, that you had a Merry Christmas, and that your 2016 will be absolutely marvellous!
My definition of a Christian is someone who has a relationship with God; someone who is Christ-like; someone who treats others as he/she would want to be treated...It has nothing to do with going to church every Sunday, Bible-thumping, telling everyone that they're going to hell if they don't believe in God. The people who do that mean well, but I wouldn't want to be bombarded like that if I didn't believe.
I went to church today. I haven't been in the past couple weeks because of work and because I was tired from work. I realized I don't like church, or "organized religion," because to me, that's what it is. It's fake. The pastors and those involved with the church just make me uncomfortable with their constant "take part in some way, volunteer, do something helpful every Sunday," and if you miss a week, it feels like you're condemned and everyone just avoids you.
The "community" isn't a community at all...The word community is fake in itself. Everyone only ever looks out for themselves, and I think it's creepy if someone you don't consider a friend tries to get some insight into your life when you didn't ask them for advice or whatever.
Aand back to my normal, not so serious writing tone XD
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! I've been away as you noticed, mostly just working. I haven't checked this blog in a long time, and I haven't updated my dream blog in a long time too...I'm sad I haven't kept up with it, even though I have notes of past dreams still kicking around my room. I haven't been able to remember a lot of my dreams recently as well: I don't have a bedside table anymore so I can't jot down notes on a notepad as soon as I wake up, and I find taking notes on my phone to be not as effective (ie. I don't like typing on my phone as soon as I wake up).
I guess to just recap the last half 2015: I moved to an apartment, I've been working at my two workplaces, and I recently quit from one of my workplaces (I got demoted because I requested time off, so I figured I should just leave because what the hell kind of reason is that) and will just be working at the other. WOOT. I hope you all are well, that you had a Merry Christmas, and that your 2016 will be absolutely marvellous!
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