I'm a Horrible Person

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Someone on Twitter pointed out I don't start the conversation in messaging. And it's true. I tend to wake up to messages from people so I talk to those people first. I get caught up in those exchanges and don't really think about other people. Unless it's my TC. But I'm giving up hope for him...

I like the people I talk to. I would love to meet them in person. However, there's also the fact that I can't do much for them. I can't touch them when I want to and give them hugs. I can't feel their touch when they describe it.

I think I had a lot more fun at the beginning, when I didn't talk to so many people. When it was just a few regular people. Now it's kind of a rotation of gents. And no ladies.
I think they're all good people. I just wonder if they think of me as just a means to an end. Just someone to help them get off. Probably. That's how I should think of them too, it's just that I'd like more, even if I've told many guys I just want to have fun and have no real commitment.
I'd like more with one person in particular. That won't ever happen though. I know it won't. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. It's like pulling teeth, and I feel like he doesn't want to continue the conversation.

My mind has been out of sorts too. I don't know what I want anymore.

Oh, I've also been on a masturbation ban ha. Because I've been feeling weird and the orgasms hasn't been as satisfying as they used to be, someone suggested I go on a break for a while. I decided to go along with it, but maybe that was a mistake. Or maybe it was good for me, as it gave me time to think about my horniness and also about myself in general.
I've thought I can't do a job in customer service, but I could do a job in retail that doesn't have customer service (I used to do floor sets at the retail places I worked at; I could do that again, but not at the places I've already worked, because no). Or a job at night where it doesn't involve interacting with many people. Organizing would be nice too, as long as whatever I organized stayed organized aka no one touched what I organized.

I also finally "read" the next chapter of my interior design course, which means I skim read it. It was dumb. I scrolled all the way down the assignment part and saw that it pertained to just the last ten pages of the reading. So I'm skipping the reading and just doing the assignment. I'll have the chapter in my files forever; if I need to refer back to it in the future, I can do so.

So yeah, that's it. Just me having existential crises all over the place and being okay and then not okay and then happy and then frustrated and then crying...Mhm. Good stuff.

I hope you all have been well. Let me know what you've been up to so far this week!

(I've been sucking at vlogging and blogging this month...Not so much of a VEDIS/BEDIS :\ )

Fantasy

I've touched on this in a recent previous post I think. How fantasy is always better than reality. It's gotten me thinking a lot.

Like nothing will ever be better than my imagination, so would it be better to stay a virgin forever? Even though I crave to feel something inside me, throbbing inside me, cumming inside me...Ha.

I don't want kids and I don't want to get married. So would it be okay to just sleep around for the rest of my life? I wouldn't have a problem with it but I think the people around me would be very offended/surprised, namely my immediate and extended family. Not that I'd necessarily care what they think, I'd probably just be shunned in some way or form.

Then there's the Australia trip? I kinda had a mental breakdown over the weekend because I told someone I like very much I might be visiting and he basically brushed me off. I know why he did, but I still didn't like it. So it's making me rethink the trip, because I'd be going to see other people instead of going for myself? Although meeting people would be kinda cool. Just possibly unnecessary. I only just started my Twitter account, really only a few months ago. I should get to know these people more before leaping? Therefore I shouldn't go to Australia...Maybe I'll go to New Zealand instead? I've wanted to go there more than Australia anyway, because the Lord of the Rings was filmed there and I am a huge LOTR nerd.

So I'll stay in my fantasy of these people more, but also suffer more because I really want to feel their cocks inside me LOL O_O


Aaanyway, I hope you all are well. It's gotten a lot colder here, which I love. It was kind of all of a sudden though, and my sister got sick (sore throat and a cough). I'm good though, I really do enjoy the cooler weather; I'm a hot person haha.

See you next time.

By A Friend

I'm talking to my friend via Skype right now. I asked him for a topic and this is what he gave me: a boy and a bird with special powers. He hasn't come up with a power yet. He said the obvious "bird lands on a person and knows the person's thoughts," but he wants to come up with something more creative.
I don't know how to give this a plot though...And if it would be suitable for this blog post haha. But I'll give it a whirl. See how it goes.
(a few minutes later) Now he's saying the bird poops gold...after showing it true love. What?! XD
(another few minutes later) He likes the bird knowing people's thoughts. But then somehow the boy knows what the people are thinking as the bird sits on other people's shoulders...Without the bird telling him. So the bird doesn't talk. And the boy knows the thoughts of other people through the bird. Hm. This is an odd premise. But okay, let's run with it O_O


The Boy and his Finch
He was just walking. Walking somewhere, he can't remember where. And something had caught his eye on the way.
It was a bird. A little brown finch. It wouldn't have been noticeable otherwise but it was sitting on a bright green cloth in the middle of the sidewalk so he saw the little animal very clearly. It made him stop in his steps and just consider the creature, tilting his head to the side and just staring at it. The bird made the same motion, as though copying the boy.
He made to start walking again, trying to go around the bird, but the bird wouldn't let him for some reason. The boy was confused but stopped again. The bird hopped towards him and onto his shoe, looking up into his face. He was still bewildered as to how this was happening, checking to his left and right to see if anyone else was seeing this. No one was. His gaze turned down to the bird on his shoe again and he thought the bird was smiling at him. So he smiled back. He crouched down and the bird hopped off his shoe to stand right in front of the boy.
So he reached his hand out, palm up, to offer the finch a ride. The finch gladly hopped onto his fingers and enjoyed the perch of his shoulder.
"I'm Justin by the way," he said with his chin tilted to the side.


He's distracting me now. He's getting me really horny. But I don't mind. He's not letting me touch myself so my fingers are just on my keyboard. I haven't seen his cock yet so I can only imagine what it would look like. I want it to be big and hard and long and thick, inside my pussy. I'm a virgin so it might not even fit, but I don't care. He said he would force it into me. Fuck. I want it. Painful pleasure. So good. I'm so fucking wet and I can't touch myself. I won't touch myself. I'm getting shivers all over my thighs and upper arms.
He's telling me how he'd want to get another cock inside me. How he would want to find five other cocks, including his. One in my ass, one in my pussy, one in my mouth, and one in each hand. I'd want it so bad. He said they'd take turns fucking me.
He's snoring now lol. He's weird.
He's been stroking himself too. It's such a hot thought.
He wants me to keep typing. I just want a cock inside me. I want it fucking me right now. I'm just sitting at my desk and I just want a cock fucking me. Sitting right here. I don't know how it would work. I want him in front of me. While I'm sitting at my desk. Typing. I can feel my wetness threatening to spill onto my panties. I want it to but I also want to be able to control myself.
Our call ended because the connection was weak.
He's telling me we'd find a random person off the street, the first guy I laid eyes on. He asked me what I would do and say, and I replied I would hug him and whisper, "I'm really fucking wet and I need you to fuck me right now."


...so yeah. I'm just gonna post this and hopefully no one I know reads it :D

Have a great day everyone!

Judgment

I'm feeling judged.

I want to go away for my birthday, and I'm seriously considering Australia.
Yes, part of the reason is so I get to have sex with people I've been talking to on Twitter, but the other part is to do something crazy and actually go somewhere other than North America for the first time ever.

I told my friend yesterday and she was all "yas girl go" (she's all on board for the sex part ha) she's in California on a break from work right now too, a break she really needs and deserves. It'd be for my 25th birthday too, and I kinda want to do something unexpected of myself. Australia is unexpected, and random, and I've heard good things. I think I could really chill there...

So I told my sister this morning about going (not about the sex omg) and she gave me this look like "with what money, you're not working, you have student loans, you're also paying rent, why the hell would you spend upwards of $5000 on a trip across the world." Not "hey, that'd be cool, sounds like a good time, you'll have fun, you need to get away from here."
Therefore, I'm conflicted. She brought my mood down about it when I was nervously excited before. I even looked up flights and hostels/airbnbs...

Yeah, now I feel tired and I want to stay in bed all day when I really need to finish this assignment for IDI. Ugh.


I hope you all are well. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for your birthday? (Don't tell me about those black out drunk times, those aren't fun.)

Hello!

I missed the last few days of blogs...Mostly because I ended up missing the vlog for Monday (the 11th) and caught up two videos on the 12th. And then yesterday, I uploaded my vlog and I shut down my computer when it dawned on me that I didn't write a blog :\ I didn't feel like starting up my computer again, so I just left it, and here we are heh heh.

I went to the gym with my sister on the 11th. That was it, she basically killed me because we lifted weights.
On the 12th, we went to a park/beach. It was a nice time. We also watched a movie, Around the World in 80 Days, which we had seen before. Popped popcorn and errything.
Then we made and ate breakfast together yesterday, and spent time separate from each other, watching shows and what not. Then I made pasta. Mhm.
Today, not much happened. I stayed in bed until like noon, ate food, made food...did some homework and here we are :D

NSFW Twitter is going okay. I'm...okay. I really need some kind of consistent work/volunteering thing I need to be held accountable for. Even though I'm really lazy and I don't know how I'd get there because even just walking down the street seems like a chore to me. Just walking out the door seems terrifying goddammit.

K, that is all. I hope you all had a lovely few days away from me lol.

Well

NSFW Twitter has been weird for me right now. Maybe it's because I've been talking to new people or because it's not enough anymore, like I want to have a real life encounter...It's still very arousing, but a lot of the accounts I come across are younger guys and gals, and I'd like to have conversations with those close to my age and/or older. They're hard to find it seems.

Also, I know myself, and if I was in a relationship, I don't think I could be around the person 24/7. I'd need to not be with them for a period of time, which might be unheard of for some people. Yes, having someone to cuddle with at night and to experience a portion of my life with would be great, but at the same time, I'd just be like, "K, go over there and leave me alone for a bit because I need my space." I'd like to know I can be someone without needing someone else. I've lived almost 25 years of my life without a partner and I still sometimes feel lost, not knowing who I am or where I belong; I'd need someone who would just add to or enhance to my already existing personality. That'd be great. That would also mean weeding through the 8 billion people on the planet to find the person. Not sure if I want to go through the trouble.

I mentioned I went to the state fair a couple days ago. I went with my church's youth group. This tends to happen anywhere I go when I also attend a place with my sister, but they all asked me where she was. And I had to repeat myself twenty times, saying she was at work. It's like they couldn't imagine me not being with her at all times of the day, which can be very annoying, like hello? I am an individual, not a pair with my sister, please care about me too. Ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what I did that day, not "hey, where's your sister? How come she's not here too?" Otherwise, don't ask me anything.

Anyway, I've logged out for now, before I spiral down into an emotional mess. I could feel it coming. My Twitter crush (or TC as some accounts have so aptly acronymed) has been busy and distant now, and he's the only one I really want to talk to. Don't think I'll be able to for a while still. (I have the distinct feeling he does not think of me the same way, which saddens me, but I'd rather have him in my life than not at all. I might just be hurting myself in the long run by doing this.)


I hope you all have been well!

Better

I feel better. Not just from the nauseous feeling I told you all about yesterday, but also emotionally. I talked about depression a couple times since starting this month of blogging, and I think keeping busy is a good solution. Maybe not the most healthy, but it's what I needed for myself. I stay home all the time, so finally getting out of the house like 5 days out of seven was incredible and really good for my well being. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do next week, maybe to go the library and get a library card, and also do some more shopping, hopefully getting what I actually need. We'll see.

I hope you all had a lovely day :)

Sick

Not actually sick.

But if you go to an amusement park or state fair and you see the ride Kamikaze, I recommend you run the hell away from it. Because I got a horrible headache and grossly queasy from it.

I Caught Feels Again

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think I caught feels...

I started talking to someone new on Twitter. Well, not new, we had followed each other closer to the beginning of my account creation and sporadically messaged each other for the past 2.5 months. But he's been really nice, asking me to tell him about myself. I asked him last night (for me, afternoon for him) if he messaged a lot of other girls, out of curiosity, not jealousy. The conversation continued and it got around to the topic of assuming things and how he didn't like it when people did it, because I had. It wasn't my intention to, it's just that how he phrased things previously, it made me think how most girls he talked to online weren't interested in getting to know him as a person, just wanted him to sext with them. I ended up getting hurt by that, and I thought it meant because I was attached to him. Just now, I realized it isn't...I like being liked. Not as a love interest, but as a friend. It's a good feeling. Obviously I can't please everyone in the world and I will always have haters, but when someone I talk to says he doesn't like a certain aspect of me in the moment, it makes me sad and makes me want to correct what I said. Plus, this is all conversation in text form, so facial expressions and intonation aren't conveyed, which could cause a lot of misunderstanding.
So, I didn't like that he made a generalization about me, that I assume things all the time. Does that make sense? :\

This kind of miscommunication has happened to me before, and it hasn't been the same with the person since really. At least, it's not the same to me. I don't know what he thinks about it. (This is the same guy I talked about the first time I talked about NSFW Twitter.)

I had a thought, something I wanted to add to the last paragraph. And then lost it. Story of my life! Haha.

I'm A Feminist?

I wrote about my NSFW Twitter. I wrote how I've gotten really emotional because of it. I think I wrote about how I've learned more about myself in the short period of time having that account than I have ever before in my life.

One of those things is how I wouldn't say no or stop.

With certain situations, I have said no. I've literally interrupted a personal orgasm because someone wanted to see what my vagina looked like while I rubbing my clitoris and close to cumming. I got so annoyed and frustrated, I stopped touching myself to rage.

I mean if I ever encountered someone who made me so turned on and so wanted, I don't think I'd say stop. I'd let him or her do whatever he or she wanted.

Consent is a huge deal these days, and it's so very important...So why the hell am I okay with the idea of letting someone have their way with me? We'd have a safe word if things got too intense sure, but would I use it?
I'm stubborn. It's a quality I've noticed in myself day in and day out. I would want to see how far someone would go with me. I'd want to prove him or her wrong, that I could take whatever he or she concocted.

I'm also a virgin. Would I actually go through with this thinking? I want to be treated a certain way so badly, but if it actually came down to it, would I be able to take it?

I titled this post the way I did because I am a feminist, but does this little fact about me make me not one? Every person in this world deserves happiness, pleasure. It's not wrong to take comfort in it. Does letting consent go out the window make me...misogynistic in some way?

Forest Fires

There's a forest fire in Washington right now. There's also one in California, in the Los Angeles area. Another hurricane is happening/gonna happen off the east coast of Canada/the US. How are peeps from Hurricane Harvey doing?

Clearly, I'm really good at keeping up with current news.

But doesn't this all kind of suck? I don't know about the hurricanes, but the forest fires; I get kinda angry and frustrated about those. I usually think the fires are human caused, and I'm right, I think. Are forest fires naturally occurring? Can they be? Because I don't think they can, so obviously it was someone's fault for the fire. Whether it be a cigarette butt or starting a fire somewhere where he/she/they (in the multiple people sense, not the pronoun for sexuality usage) shouldn't have. Like why. WHY. Does he/she/they realize what he's/she's/they're doing? That he/she/they could cause thousands of people to be displaced from their homes, or animals to be trapped and also homeless? Not to mention all the people who risk their lives to put the fire out because of his/her/their stupidity. UGH.

My mom's car was covered in ashes today, and the breathing air isn't too good, but it's freaking hot so all the windows are open in the house and I had to walk around the city today to get places...My bed also had ashes all over it, and I brushed most of the particles off, but I'm sure I'll still be sleeping in burnt trees.
Our eyes got really dry too, moisture's gone from the air.

Mother mentioned we're getting rain Thursday. I hope so.

Are any of you experiencing natural/unnatural disasters? What do you think about it happening?

I Probably Have Depression

I haven't been to the doctor to get it checked out though. I have this thing about doctors. I know they're supposed to help, but in the end, all they do is give advice and prescribe a drug. I know medicine is meant to be good for you, however I don't like putting chemicals in my body. Yeah yeah, naturalist bull crap but I mean it. I want to feel everything, even though it sometimes sucks. I don't want to be drugged out, taking a pill to make my brain seemingly better when it's not. Or maybe my thinking isn't right, that I've been conditioned to think this way somehow.

I had major mood swings today. My day started out well, and then it got annoying, sad, bad, sad, okay. My night is better, I've been talking to people on my NSFW Twitter, and legit just talking.

There was more I wanted to add to this, but I'm horny (I got horny) and I want to see if I can cum (by myself).

What do you guys think about doctors? Do you have depression? How do you cope/live with it? Is my thinking of medication wrong?

Eeeeeehm

I think of topics I want to write about during the month/week/day and then promptly forget when I write...Some bloggers are better than I obviously LOL.

So today is just a bleh blog.

I had a good day though, probably because I was actually out of the house for most of the day instead of cooped up in my room, by myself. And I find I'm really tired so I think I'm going to wash up and rest my head for the night. I may wake up earlier in the morning than I'd like, but we shall see.

Have a good day? Tell me why in the comments :)

Trapped Inside

I'm vlogging every day in September. I've also decided to blog every day in September, so hopefully this will go well.

I looked up a writing prompt and the title is the first one that popped up on Google. Well, the actual prompt is:

This wasn’t the first time I had been trapped inside a _________ , but it was the first time I had to escape in order to save a life. Here’s what happened.

I won't be...creatively writing though, I'll just be writing what I think of the idea.

Being trapped inside. Figuratively and literally for me.
Figuratively in the sense that I feel pressured to do something with my life, by people around me but also by my own person, my own thoughts. I'm only 24 (25 in 2.5 months) and I don't have anything I'm especially passionate about or something I want to do for a long time.
Literally because I'm (not supposed to be) living in a 55+ community. (I've mentioned this before in my I Moved... post I'm sure but) When my family and I moved down to the States, my parents weren't able to get a mortgage, and the only possible accommodation they could buy and afford was a mobile home in an enclosed space for elderly people...Technically, 35 years olds are also allowed to live here, but I am 10 years young as well as my sister. The contract they signed to buy this place stated that anyone younger than 35 was not allowed to live on the premises. Yet here we are. My sister has been living here much longer than I have and she doesn't care about walking out the front door. I on the other hand am distressed with the idea of walking out the door in case someone tells the property manager/owner about us living here. So I just stay in my room for most of my time. It's not like I'm not doing anything, I'm just not moving much.

There isn't even much walking distance around here so getting a job for me would be difficult: civilization literally takes 40-60 minutes to get to and I'm not about that life. Yes, I'm lazy and that's a not-so-good personality trait to have, but I have it anyway. If I got a job that required me to be there earlier on off days, I wouldn't be able to. It takes me 2-3 hours to psyche myself up to get ready and out the door, and sometimes when I plan to go to the mall, I don't even do that because I think about how much of a nuisance it would be. Trust me, I've done it before, spent 7 hours out and walked everywhere the entire time. The next few days afterwards, I was in bed all day because of how worn out I was from walking.

Now I'm complaining. Woot.


I'm actually sitting in the hallway because it's cooler than my room (which gets the setting sun and therefore gets hot as balls in the late afternoon/evening). And everyone is out so I'm not in anyone's way.

So yeah. I do want to look for a job though; I'm spending some money here and there every once in a while, and it will accumulate until I don't have anything left in my savings eventually. Should be fun. T-T

I Might Be Depressed

I'm not diagnosed with depression. I don't take medication for it. But I've been feeling emotional for a while now and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't have anyone to tell about this so I'm turning to my blog, clearly. (I don't like how I missed writing a post last month \: )

No one from my real life reads this? At least I hope not. There's a lot I've been doing in the last couple-ish months that I'm not comfortable sharing with anyone, that I haven't shared with anyone except for one person. But even then, I'm not getting comfort or advice.

I made a second Twitter account in I think it was this past June. I created it to be a miscellaneous account, one for my writing and also for some game apps I play on my phone. It was to be an outlet where I could say whatever I wanted instead of using my main, personal account. As the days went on, it turned into an 18+/NSFW account. I hadn't planned for it to become that way, but I reply tweeted to one of Pornhub's tweets and it kinda blew up...I didn't start getting influxes of DMs until a few weeks after though.
Then, I got attached. Quickly. It was the scariest thing that has probably ever happened to me other than experiencing my dad's rage, but maybe even more scarier because it was happening inside of me, not because of an exterior, seeable thing. I told myself I couldn't form crushes on people because they were far away (east coast N. America, the UK, and Australia mainly), but it kept happening: once briefly with one person and now with another person that has lasted since...a month and a half now.

The thing about NSFW Twitter is that time goes very slowly there. I had been chatting with a man for what seemed like months when it only turned out to be a couple weeks. He had that much of an effect on me. Plus, now I've only had that account for about 2 months when it feels like I've been tweeting on it and interacting with people for much longer. I ended up breaking the guy's trust, a silly prank (I thought it was funny, he did not), and we haven't been the same since then. He used to wake me up with good mornings and make me orgasm multiple times gorgeously every time, but it's not like that at all anymore. I inwardly torture myself for a message from him. I've dreamt about him...I don't think he regards me in the same manner.
But there are other guys who probably think about me that way, which is odd because I don't think I'm anything special.
Words can only go so far.

At one point early on in our messages, the guy I've now fallen for told me he can't be with me for emotional support as much as he'd like to be. He said I needed to find that support with other people, to keep up with the relationships I have, to not stray away from reality. Let's just say my reality is really bleak right now, boring, uneventful. I looked forward to talking to him every day. I still do. But I've come to realize I shouldn't. One day we might meet, but for right now, it's just a fantasy. A dream. I'm not reality.
Messaging is like that: you can log out, turn off notifications, ignore. I logged out of my account all day yesterday, checked it this morning briefly because I was really horny, replied to some messages, then logged out to watch porn and make myself cum. I've still logged out.

The thing about NSFW Twitter is that there's always someone. It's worldwide. You say good night to one person, you say good morning to another. I have spent entire days chatting with people before, and that was...Not something I'd do again.

I want to tell my mom about it. About everything. After thinking I wouldn't tell anyone, tonight, as I was sitting at the dining table with my parents, I thought I wanted to tell her. I wanted to cry. Because I was scared what she'd think of me.
I was raised going to church. I was told to always bring a future boyfriend home to meet my dad. I was told to get married before sex. Sex wasn't brought up. Contraception was never brought up. I started masturbating (in secret) with a vibrating back massager when I was somewhere between 10 and 14, and one day I couldn't find it anymore. Obviously it wasn't so secret to either my mom or dad. Yet neither of them brought it up with me or my sister. Like it was a sin to pleasure yourself.
Years later, like only about a year ago, I was going through my mom's things, looking for something, when I found a vibrator in her bedside table. Talk about yuck, but I was shocked. Maybe I shouldn't have been. I may have told this story before but once I asked my mom if she would mind if I dated someone casually. She said no, and that answer surprised me too, because of all the aforementioned at the beginning of this paragraph.
I once also found out she had been flirting with a man that wasn't my dad on one of her free online messaging apps. It was the dumbest situation too: she was in Korea on a trip for a conference and she had suddenly texted me to delete the app from her laptop. I thought it was weird, I asked her why, but she said to just do it. Obviously I got curious so I looked up some messages first. I was so devastated, I cried for two days. What's more, I think my dad had also seen the messages. I don't know what happened after that, but I loathed living with her for a long time. I still do. I don't trust her at all.
She's a woman. Obviously she needed some kind of relief, some kind of pleasure in her life when she didn't have any (really trying not to think about her and my dad having sex, ugh). But she can't bring herself to bring up the conversation with me or my sister. How can I bring up the conversation?
I was trying to think of a way: take her out to dinner and somehow get on the topic? Isn't that kind of weird to do in a public place? Or would it be safer to talk about it in public, because then we'd be able to switch the subject quickly? I feel like being at home would be weirder, since my sister might be around and so would my dad.



That made me feel better. Writing usually does...
Let me know if you have any thoughts about this in the comments. I'd like to hear them.
Thanks for reading.