Spirit vs Soul

One of the definitions of spirit by Merriam-Webster goes like this: "an animating or vital principle held to give life to physical organisms."
The definition of soul is: "the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life."

What's the difference?

I was watching a sermon by Michael Todd from Transformation Church a couple days ago and it sounded like he was separating the two terms. The definitions given by the dictionary make it sound similar right? I even used the words interchangeably and thought of them as synonymous with each other.

Okay, I studied the definitions a little more.

Spirit can also be defined as a "temper or disposition of mind or outlook" and something that can "influence a person"; soul is "a person's total self" and the "moral and emotional nature of humans."

So, in the context of me, my spirit can be altered (can be high and low, I can be happy and sad) while my soul is who I am as a whole. Souls can also be related to the human race as a whole. At least, that's what I'm interpreting it as.

Mistake

I texted an...old sexting flame, for lack of a better term. The title says it all lol: it was a mistake.
It brought up old hurts and feelings. I kind of made it hard on him because he didn't have my number saved in his contact list, I made him guess who I was. It took him about two hours (mainly him just saying "plz tell me your name," "it's bugging me," "babe just tell me" as examples) and when he figured it out, the conversation ended in a couple minutes. After "hello"s and "how are you"s were exchanged, it stopped. I marinated with everything (all my thoughts, my feelings, my heart aching) for many hours afterwards and I...was and am an idiot.

I've been watching/listening to sermons on YouTube. The past many weeks, at church, we were challenging ourselves with growing in our faith by doing tailored goals. Since I am very unemployed at the moment, I gave myself more things to accomplish. One of the challenges was to find a YouTube channel that was Bible/faith based and listen to its videos (because that's basically what I do, I click on random videos so I can listen to them while I play games on my phone). I first found the Bible Project, which is a channel dedicated to making the Bible more accessible, kind of summarizing a book of the Bible in a few minutes or creating themes based on the stories. Then my sister posted a sermon in our Facebook message and I watched that, it was on anxiety. I didn't like the pastor's preaching style so I looked for other videos.
Ok, this is a really long explanation: I watched a series on relationship goals. While watching it, I realized a lot of these online relationships I started weren't good, and that a lot of them fizzled out anyway so I didn't have to worry about them. THEN I go out and seek one of them out like WTF ME. WHAT WERE YOU JUST LISTENING TO?! UGH.

So yeah. I'm an idiot.

The last thing I texted him was "what are you thinking?" and I haven't gotten a response. I'm giving him 24 hours lol, and then when it's all said and done, Imma just say I'm sorry...I'm debating on whether to block his number right after or not. The right thing to do would probably be to block him, but we had fun. I don't want it to end badly, although that's all I seem to know how to do, to end things badly instead of well.

And I'm still obsessing. Someone needs to slap me.

Wow + Update

Reading that last post made me remember what was happening at the time...Weird.

Since then, I got a job at a grocery store, in their online orders department. The world is becoming very web based, and that department was a response to that. I'm sure you all know what it is: essentially a personal shopper, an employee from the store shops for you according to the list you created and submitted on the company's site. Then in a certain hour, you're supposed to come and pick up your groceries from the store. Easy as that. I worked for 8 months as a regular associate, and then I applied to become one of the department's lead supervisors (an assistant manager) which I somehow got. The pay was good, but it wasn't worth the head games and stress. Coupled with the heart break I ended up suffering from, the next 8 months were pretty bad. Everything culminated in me quitting, and I am currently jobless and aimlessly wandering the house aka sitting in one spot and on my laptop all day.

I am wasting time. No doubt about it. Last week I got the bright idea of getting into arts and crafts again, mainly painting, knotting friendship bracelets, and folding paper stars. I took myself out on a date this week: a movie and lunch. Eating by myself was awkward though, it didn't used to be but it was. Probably because I'm less confident about everything.

Say Yes To The Dress is one of my favourite shows, and whenever it's on TV, I tend to leave it on in the background. It made me think of one of my childhood friends, if you can call her that. We mainly only saw each other at church, but after a couple years, she stopped coming, I'm not sure why. Anyway, this friend created her own company for bridal wear. I guess since I last checked up on her social media, she has created...four other companies, all still mostly related to bridal.
I have this issue with jealously, I've known I've had it for a long time. Back when I checked up on her, many years ago, I was definitely jealous. It felt like she was living a life I desperately wanted but had no idea of achieving. Now however, I'm happy for her, like genuinely happy. Also proud for some reason, even though I don't know her as a person anymore. Maybe because she made a name for herself, doing what she loves, and she's my age. Goes to show how opposite we are on the spectrum of life. Neither is good or bad, although I do feel horrible about wasting my life. (Volunteering is something that was suggested for me to do. I have past experiences with that activity that make me steer away from it.)

I wanted to comment on the Ellen/President Bush thing that happened recently. Except that I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it so I think I'll just leave it where it is. There's enough back and forth online.

Hope you all are well. See you around.

Meh

I'm not doing well.

I had logged out of Twitter for the holidays. I didn't end up staying logged out though, I logged back in the next day, I just didn't tweet or reply to any DMs. I unfollowed a bunch of people because I no longer talked to them or I didn't like their profiles anymore. One of the guys I unfollowed ended up messaging me, asking why I had done it. I said something petty, that I didn't want to compete with the other girls he DM'd with, I didn't want to see his profile anymore, and if the first thing he said to me in weeks was pertaining to an unfollow, then clearly we weren't friends. He replied back that if that was why I did what I did then I didn't know him at all and goodbye. And he blocked me. I got really sad and frustrated so I started crying. I couldn't really dwell in that sadness though because it was Christmas Eve and my mom's birthday so we had to go out to church and what not.

He's kind of put me in a funk though, and now that I'm kind of getting back into Twitter again, I'm realizing I'm only thinking about the guys who were kind and then horrible to me. How I still want to talk to them and want to be meet them and possibly fuck them. It's not fair. It's also not fair because these guys that I think about most are all in Australia. Like who decided that was the country I had to be obsessed with? Literally the worst country to like people from because they're the most ahead of me time-wise

I had the thought that when I unfollow people I should just soft block them if they also follow me. It would make it easier than seeing my follower count go down maybe, instead of me wondering who unfollowed me, I would know then and there. I didn't even know people trolled their own accounts, waiting for the day for someone to unfollow them and then unfollow that person as well. It's interesting and weird lol. I guess they have nothing better to do in their spare time, me included.

I don't know what to do though. I've thought about deactivating, but I know I'd be back in a time and scroll through my feed.

I was sexually frustrated one night. I went to bed around 11 but didn't fall asleep until 2 because I had been really horny and was mauling my own body and touching myself roughly, tossing and turning. I suddenly thought about someone I hadn't thought about for a long time: one guy I started chatting with basically from the beginning. He either had his account deleted because of the content or he deactivated without telling anyone. I missed him a lot when I couldn't DM him anymore, and I tried finding his Snapchat after I made an account, but I don't think the account linked to his Twitter handle is the same as Snapchat. Anyway, it made me miss him and want him but I didn't have a way of letting him know so I just let the memory pass.

I think my online presence isn't the same as it used to be. I'm less fun, less flirty, less carefree...It sucks. I'm not crying all the time but I am sad often. I'm better at pushing people away, always have been. I think everyone I've interacted with knows this. Maybe that's why he blocked me.

Floodgates

He opened them.

I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.

On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.

I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already;  I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.

I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.

Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.

Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.

I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.

Just Okay

I had another meltdown on Friday. Not Saturday, but Friday. It was bad. Started the day with crying, ending the day with sobbing. My weekend has been mostly tear free though, so that's good. Things are looking up somewhat.

I don't know how to...process some of the stuff that's been happening I guess. It's weird talking to so many people from so many places.

I started chatting with people from Lush Stories. I've "made" a few friends, but mainly it's just talking about erotic subjects. I think some of these men want to bring out the slut in me, but she's already around. I know she's there, because someone had already pulled her out of me from Twitter. I know who I am and what I want, sexually at least. Er, wait, not totally who I am sexually, but we'll get there.

I've started taking birth control. It'll take a while before the effects kick in I'm sure and it'll be another while still before I actually have sex, that I know definitely, but I'll have a safety measure in place before anything happens. Peace of mind for me.


How have you guys been? Hopefully well. Let me know (:

Guys Suck

I went back on Twitter recently. Like a couple days ago. Yesterday was fantastic actually, I had a lot of fun with one of the guys I talk to. Nothing sexy, just joking around, it was nice. I woke up happy this morning.

Then another guy I talk to had to ruin my day. He shouldn't have been able to but people have an effect on me I'm realizing.
He talks to me on my "normal" account but we also Skype audio call once in a while. He's been making my blood boil recently. Two Saturdays ago, he ended our call abruptly to talk to another girl he has a crush on, a girl he clicks with well. At the time, I knew he was going to talk to her and I knew she was priority, but later on (like a few days later), I got really sad: I was second place to her. And I didn't want to be.
Then this weekend, I messaged him, asking if he was okay. I wanted him to be there for me when I logged back into Twitter after my break, but he wasn't. I didn't get a reply all weekend. Not even a "hey, I'm talking to [insert girl's name here]. That sucks about nsfw Twitter but I'll get back to you after the weekend is over." Yeah, I'd beat him if I could. He doesn't have any manners.

He told me he was single, that he got out of an online relationship recently. But he likes this girl, and I don't know if this is the same girl he had a relationship with or not. He's said he's talked to this girl for a year+ now. He'll be visiting her this week too, and they're gonna spend the entire time fucking apparently, for their joint birthdays. I'm jealous and I'm not. I know they're better suited for each other, closer in age, similar interests. Makes sense he likes her. I'm jealous in that he will put her first, always. Even if we're talking, if she messages or wants to talk to him, he will hang up and focus on her, I'm sure of it. That's not what a friend would do. We're not friends.

I just...he said he wasn't in a relationship. He's not looking for one and he doesn't have a heart or feelings. But he does. He wants a relationship with her and he does have a heart and feelings. It irks me that he pulled me along though. That's he's said he wants to fuck me and make me feel good, and take my virginity for crying out loud. Like fuck no. He's hung up on some other girl, who he thinks is too good for him. She probably is, and she's a cute looking girl. I haven't even seen his face...Ugh, I'm getting annoyed.


I should stop talking to him right? Yeah, probably. It annoys me even more because he's the first guy I had phone sex with. Omg, it's really annoying. Fuck. I can't talk to him on calls anymore. I can't. Just messages. I can do that.

I better be able to do that or else I'm gonna be really mad at myself.