I'm not doing well.
I had logged out of Twitter for the holidays. I didn't end up staying logged out though, I logged back in the next day, I just didn't tweet or reply to any DMs. I unfollowed a bunch of people because I no longer talked to them or I didn't like their profiles anymore. One of the guys I unfollowed ended up messaging me, asking why I had done it. I said something petty, that I didn't want to compete with the other girls he DM'd with, I didn't want to see his profile anymore, and if the first thing he said to me in weeks was pertaining to an unfollow, then clearly we weren't friends. He replied back that if that was why I did what I did then I didn't know him at all and goodbye. And he blocked me. I got really sad and frustrated so I started crying. I couldn't really dwell in that sadness though because it was Christmas Eve and my mom's birthday so we had to go out to church and what not.
He's kind of put me in a funk though, and now that I'm kind of getting back into Twitter again, I'm realizing I'm only thinking about the guys who were kind and then horrible to me. How I still want to talk to them and want to be meet them and possibly fuck them. It's not fair. It's also not fair because these guys that I think about most are all in Australia. Like who decided that was the country I had to be obsessed with? Literally the worst country to like people from because they're the most ahead of me time-wise
I had the thought that when I unfollow people I should just soft block them if they also follow me. It would make it easier than seeing my follower count go down maybe, instead of me wondering who unfollowed me, I would know then and there. I didn't even know people trolled their own accounts, waiting for the day for someone to unfollow them and then unfollow that person as well. It's interesting and weird lol. I guess they have nothing better to do in their spare time, me included.
I don't know what to do though. I've thought about deactivating, but I know I'd be back in a time and scroll through my feed.
I was sexually frustrated one night. I went to bed around 11 but didn't fall asleep until 2 because I had been really horny and was mauling my own body and touching myself roughly, tossing and turning. I suddenly thought about someone I hadn't thought about for a long time: one guy I started chatting with basically from the beginning. He either had his account deleted because of the content or he deactivated without telling anyone. I missed him a lot when I couldn't DM him anymore, and I tried finding his Snapchat after I made an account, but I don't think the account linked to his Twitter handle is the same as Snapchat. Anyway, it made me miss him and want him but I didn't have a way of letting him know so I just let the memory pass.
I think my online presence isn't the same as it used to be. I'm less fun, less flirty, less carefree...It sucks. I'm not crying all the time but I am sad often. I'm better at pushing people away, always have been. I think everyone I've interacted with knows this. Maybe that's why he blocked me.
Thursday 28 December 2017
Sunday 10 December 2017
Floodgates
He opened them.
I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.
On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.
I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already; I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.
I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.
Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.
Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.
I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.
I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.
On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.
I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already; I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.
I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.
Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.
Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.
I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.
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