New Things, kinda

I think I make people awkward.

I got a job at the beginning of the month (woot woot!), and I like the work. So far, I have just been stocking shelves and organizing and making things look pretty, which I don't mind because I love doing those things normally. But I don't think the people I work with like me very much. Or I'm just too weird to be around society/I make them uncomfortable some how...Or maybe it's just me over analyzing things. This is not a good skill to have, I'm sure, but I somehow make it work for myself. Anyway, I'm mostly just on call (perks of being a part-timer), which is frustrating, but what can I do? It's not my place to ask for more work, and if they don't need me on certain days, that's fine. After calling work to see if they needed me today (which they didn't), I actually got a call for a job interview. It's on Friday, and I'm nervous and excited. It'd be great to get the job, so I'd have more work and make a bit more money, so I'm not just constantly sitting on my ass at home.

I've been thinking about going to finally ask about volunteering at a free trade store in my city too, as well as taking some bar tending classes to get certification. I've been interested in mixology for a while now, and I keep telling people I'm going to do something about it, but I haven't yet. So I guess now would be a perfect time.

I'm still doing pilates too, just not as regularly as before. (I don't remember if I actually told you guys about my pilates exercising, but oh well. Now you know!)

Hope you are all doing well ^^

Being Introverted

I'm an introvert.

There's no shame in that. But I didn't realize how much of an introvert I am until this past week.

On Monday, I finally went to the mall to hand out resumes for a job. The teaching-English-in-Korea obsession is waning a little, and I've already spent five months just being at home, writing, social networking, watching movies and shows: I figured it's about time I got out of the house and made a little bit of money. Anyway, by the time Wednesday rolled around, I got calls from two stores for two interviews. The first one was not as bad as the second one. I was more comfortable with the interviewer, talking normally, and being in my own skin. I paused a lot during the first interview, however, because I hadn't been on an interview in a long time and I didn't really know how to answer the questions because I didn't have any recent job experience. With the second one, I was definitely more nervous because I had to be in business dress (I wasn't comfortable at all), the questions were more specific, and I found myself choking up and wanting to cry a few times. I think I answered the questions better than in my first interview though, because I had gone through the first interview so I could think of answers quicker.

So the reason I bring up my introverted-ness is because the second interviewer said that she could tell I was an introvert by looking at my resume. I was a bit put off by how she said it, like it was a bad thing, but I rallied and answered her question: practice makes perfect, I would have to force myself to go up to people in the beginning, but eventually I would be comfortable going up to people to ask if they needed help with anything, since it is a customer service job and you have to take the initiative to go up to a customer. (Now I realize I could have added that I am a helpful person by nature, so even though I am an introvert, I would help someone if they needed it, in a retail setting.)

I got home and burst into tears: my nerves were shot and I was actually hoping that these two stores would not call me back for the job. I got a call a couple hours ago from a different store for a group interview. I said yes, since I need to get used to this interview business, and it'll be my first group interview. I started looking online for group interview tips, which led me to how to write a resume, to how a resume should/could look. I started to get distressed watching the how to videos on YouTube, because I don't have relevant and recent work experience, I don't have skills/talents/strengths, I didn't take part in clubs or extra curricular activities at school: I have nothing to boast about. What in the hell did these people see in me or my resume to want to give me an interview? What did they think of me after the interview?

I heard that the things that make you scared help you grow as a person. Well, I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm going deeper and deeper into myself. Let me be a hermit. Leave me alone.


Unfortunately, society looks down on that. There's no way I'd be able to do the things I want to do and be by myself. I'm starting to not want to do those things these days too, just so I can be solitary. Something is wrong with me, right? Is this my huge cry for help?

I don't know what to do.

Being Korean American...Or More Specifically, Canadian

Two posts in one day, it's a miracle!

Going to Korea has been on my bucket list for a long time. Now that I have finished my schooling, it's time I check that thing off, right? I thought so too.

I've been going through the process of finding out how to teach in Korea, emailing hiring agencies, getting my visa...Except that I'm hitting a lot of walls. The main wall is my university degree: I need it as proof that I actually finished a Bachelor's.

So, I'm not actually here, writing to complain about my troubles with getting to the motherland (even though I really want to, and I clearly haven't finished the above thought).

I want to start another blog. I already have this one and a dream blog, but now I want one mainly to do with this process of going to Korea, to be an English teacher. I don't know what to call it though! I don't know what the title of the blog should be or what I should call the blog. You know, paulajaey.blogspot.ca is called Muchaga and paulajaeydreams.blogspot.ca is called Once Upon A Dream. I don't really want to do paulajaeytravels because I want the blog to be about me being a Korean Canadian *in Korea,* even though I'm not in Korea yet. I tried looking for inspiration in other blogs, but I can't seem to do it, because the blogs all belong to white people. Not that I have anything against Caucasians...but they're everywhere online. I can't seem to find someone who is Asian American and going through an experience I'm going through.

I guess I'll have to be that person. Once I figure out a name XD Anyone wanna help me? Please? ^^

Unsatisfied

Turns out I'm a live-in maid.

Yesterday, I did the dishes and the laundry. Guess what my mom said? "Now you can be a maid!" What the fuck.

I feel bad enough that I don't have a job (pretty sure I've talked about how I'm a lazy ass and wouldn't set a foot out the door to look for one) and just lay around the house all day, but why did she have to say it like that? I do the dishes and the laundry because I like to do them, believes no one ever. I'm already at home though, so I might as well do them.
Which is sad. I'm at home: I don't have a job, I don't have a social life, I write blog posts and fiction, check my Twitter and Instagram, workout, play a few games on my phone...I admit this routine is getting kinda boring, after four months, but I would rather be doing this than leaving the house. Which is even more pathetic.

Problem is, I'm starting to feel like a maid. My mom goes out to do her thing during the day and comes home to cook; my dad works and comes home expecting a hot meal; my sister is barely at home and when she is, she just eats food, creates dishes, and expects everyone (read "me") to put things back to where they belong for her. I tell myself I need to get out of this environment, but how the hell do I do that? I don't have money, I don't have a job, and because I'm lazy, I'm not willing to go out of my way to get those things. Vicious, stupid cycle.

I know. I'm just making it hard on myself. Basically, I just need to marry a rich person and I'd be set for life.

Asian Fan Fics

If you guys didn't know, I'm currently on an all-Korea kick at the moment, that has lasted since August 2014. This is probably the longest time I have been obsessed with anything, ever, so thanks for being patient with me while I sort out my thoughts. Obviously, I've been trying to post coherent blog articles in the meantime, but it's not as often as I would like and I haven't been getting them often.
That's a lie; I have been thinking about a lot of different blog posts, but I don't write them down and/or I forget about them and I don't publish them.

Anyway, this is just a post to let you guys know that I will not be posting any of my Kpop-related articles on this blog. I have actually found an online outlet where I can fangirl over Korean celebrities without being judged too harshly, and that site is called asianfanfics.com. And on that site, I have a profile that also allows for the author/reader to have a blog. That is where I've been posting my favourite Korean singers, bands, actors, and any other Korean news I deem worthy enough for an article.
So now, this blog will just focus on my daily thoughts, kinda like a journal entry, but more focused on a specific topic.

I hope you all are well. Have a fantastic Easter and April!

My Sister's Keeper

I don't know about you guys, but I get the best inspiration before, during, and after a shower. Doesn't matter how long or short the shower is, my best ideas come from there.

Anyway, I just took a shower, and I was thinking about the book My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. I haven't read the book or seen the movie, but I now the premise. For those who don't know what it's about, it's about a couple who has a very sick daughter, and they have another daughter just so the other daughter can provide whatever the sick daughter needs (in this case, I looked up, bone marrow). As I was thinking about the book, I also thought about a time when I was at either a day summer camp or a week-long stay-over bible camp and when one of the councillors asked me where my sister was. I said I didn't know, and he/she asked, "So you're not her keeper?" In that moment, I said no without hesitating, and he/she nodded her head quietly.
First off, wouldn't it be sad to be the sibling of someone who's dying, and be the only reason he/she is alive? And your only purpose of living is to keep the other person alive? What kind of life is that? What kind of parents would do that do someone who is genetically made up of them? I'm asking these questions as a non-parent, but I mean, come on. Any human being would realize that it's wrong, right? Why wouldn't the parents give up the bone marrow themselves? Couldn't they just have planned to have two kids anyway, and asked the other child when he or she was old enough to donate their bone marrow to his or her sibling?...Okay, maybe I'm thinking too much about this, but I'm serious. It's not okay.
Secondly (and I haven't looked into this), couldn't the parents in the book have genetically made bone marrow? Is that possible? I mean, we can grow organs, we can do artificial insemination...Are we not at bone marrow yet? Also, isn't there a bone marrow bank or something? Couldn't they just have gone there to find it for their daughter?
And about the event that happened in my life: am I her keeper? I don't think I've written about my sister recently, but I've gotten to find her very annoying. I've realized that she cares more about people outside her family rather than her family, which includes me. I know it's petty, but I know I care a lot more, I spend a lot more, and I do a lot more for her than she has ever done for me. These days I would really like to get away from my family, her included, which wasn't like that before. I thought I would like to live with her, away from our parents, but not anymore. It would be insufferable to live with her because she doesn't do anything except for herself in the family.

What do you guys think about the book? Are you your sibling(s)'s keeper?

My Mom

Being the wonderful daughter that I am, I've only written about the things I don't like about my parents. I think I made a post about my dad a while ago, listing all the things I didn't like about him as a person. I'll probably get to him about the qualities I like about him eventually, but today's post is going to be about my mom.

I spent a lot of today with her, doing errands, and helping her before and after dinner.
She's good people. She's the kind of person I hope to be when I'm her age, minus her humility issues (she compliments herself all the time, which I find hilarious and annoying) and her inability to find the right timing and vocal tone for jokes and sarcasm. She listens to people's opinions, but she's unafraid to voice her own and make a point; to other people, she will admit she can be wrong. She's changed for my dad because he's too stubborn to change for her. She's there for me even though I've done and said some terrible things since she gave birth to me. She's become a great cook, she likes to learn, she makes me laugh.
The other day, she came into my room and asked me what my plan was, because all I've been doing for the past three and bit months is sit in front of my laptop and watch movies, TV shows, YouTube videos (even though I have been productive in other aspects, like reading more, writing more, posting my work on fan sites)...She was visibly upset because I was and still am being lazy. (I've been doing pilates though! So not completely lazy.) Anyway, to answer her question, I said, "I'm taking a break. And I am applying to jobs online." She walked away after I said that, and went back to the movie I was watching. In all honesty, though, who ever has a plan? For life? For anything, ever? I've said this before, but I'm not good at motivating myself, being determined. I'm not passionate about anything and I don't think I will be for a while. For now, all I know is that I want to go to Korea, and once I get my physical degree, I'm going to get in contact with the agencies I've been in contact with. Hopefully they hire me as soon as things get started because I don't want to waste time and money when I could've been doing something else.
That was off-topic, but my point is that she cares for me. In her own twisted way, getting mad at me and asking me, "What are you going to do with your life?" is her way of loving me. I don't like it, but she does it. And I thank her for it.

Fanfiction

Nothing major has happened in my life. Yet. Hopefully soon. Maybe. I'm very on the fence about things. Recently, and I may or may not have mentioned this in a previous post (I'm too lazy to go check, you all should know this by now), I've been wanting to go teach in Korea, what with my crazy obsession with all things Korean at the moment. It's not going away, so I'm going to need to get this out of my system soon so I can get on with my life. SO, I'm going to go to Korea this year. It's gonna happen. I have been and am going to apply to work as an English teacher there, and probably spend a year there. But that won't happen until I get my physical degree, which is gonna be in June or July.

So, these days, I haven't been going out of the house. Like, at all. I realize that if I could do everything I need to do in one room (cook, bathe, exercise, work), my life would be made.
I don't like going out unless I absolutely need to, like to be social or to go grocery shopping or to church.

Enough about that now. The title of this post. To keep myself busy, however, I've been writing fan fiction. If any of you so feel the need to check out my fiction writing, please do so. My handle is the same (paulajaey) across three sites: fanfiction.net, archiveofourown.org, and asianfanfics.com. I've posted things in FF and AFF, but not in AO3. So yeah. That's that. I'm a little embarrassed to be making this as a post, but it's the only thing that's going for me right now.

I hope you all are well, and I will see you when I see you.

Healthy vs Unhealthy

Recently, one of my childhood friends lost a lot of weight. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously; I'm really happy for her, and as long as she's content with who she is, then I'm content. But the thing that bothered me was something she had written in her Instagram/Facebook post about losing the weight: something along the lines of "Being unhealthy is HARD; being healthy is HARD; pick your HARD."
Two things.
One. Being over the normal/typical weight for your height and/or body type does not mean you're unhealthy. I'm about 30 pounds overweight, but I consider my lifestyle to be a lot healthier than some of my [skinny] friends, at least while I was growing up. My mom is a health freak. And when I mean freak, I mean she takes vitamins every day (my sister and I used to take vitamins every day...I got tired of choking every time I swallowed a pill), she makes our meals with salad *every night,* she does not buy things that are made in China or have preservatives in them. Like, to the nines. When she used to make my sister and I lunch when we were in school, there would be about two inches of lettuce, a millimetre of sandwich meat, and a scraping of mayo. I am not even kidding. I tweeted a picture of my sandwich a long time ago that looked exactly how I just described to you. So, in my case, I'd say I'm pretty healthy. Well, I'm healthy, but where I am in weight does not reflect that "healthiness." That reason, though, is probably because I have snacked a bit too much throughout my lifetime. I try to keep my snacks healthy (nuts, yogourt, fruit), but nobody's perfect. And you've gotta live a little! Ice cream and chips, man; they're heaven on earth, and the small pleasures in life make living a lot better.
Which leads me to number two. Being healthy and being fit are two different things, so being "healthy" is not synonymous with going to the gym to lose weight, as she so put in her social media post. I know some people who are larger in size [than me] but can climb a mountain without heaving and ho-ing, while I'm dying not even 5 minutes into the hike.

There's more I could have added to that second point, but I think I made my case.
What do you guys think about being healthy vs unhealthy? Do you agree with me? Disagree?

I hope you're all doing fantastic though. Thanks for reading ^^

10 Facts About Me

I was going to write this as a post on my Facebook account. Then I realized I didn't want to become vulnerable to people I have as friends there. So here I am, leaving it here instead.
This might become a regular thing, but we'll see. Because, knowing me, I probably won't be able to commit.

1. I've changed a lot over the past 5 years. Therefore,
2. Relationships of any kind are difficult to maintain.
3. I'm the common denominator in said relationships, so I must be doing something wrong.
4. I'd rather be alone.
5. Pretty sure my parents don't like that I've been staying in my room, alone, for the past week or so.
6. I could go a day and more without vocally speaking.
7. Social interactions are awkward.
8. I've become more awkward than ever before.
9. Being a self-diagnosed extreme introvert makes it hard for me to accept that I can go out into the world and do the things I want to do.
10. I wish these facts weren't true.