Self-Diagnosed Depression

I'm in my own head a lot these days. And I think it's turning out for the worst...I don't have anyone to talk to so I talk to myself, I figure out problems by myself, I tell myself I'll be fine, I'm alone most of the time anyway so I just deal with it by myself. Keeping it in is the worst part because I'm scared I'm going to self destruct and I don't want that to happen.
I don't remember if I mentioned in my last post that I've thought about looking for a therapist. I have been though. Something's keeping me from actually Googling anything though. There's a stigma attached to seeing head doctors, and while I don't believe it myself, my dad does. He thinks it's weird going to a stranger to talk about your issues, he thinks whatever problems you have can be figured out internally/with your own family. I don't think that way, but my hesitation comes from anxiety: what if going to see someone ends up making whatever's wrong with me worse than it is? What if this person does more harm than good? And what happens after that? I know reviews of people in this profession exist, but I'm not really into reviews. Everything in this world is subjective, so you can't always take a person's word as it is. Like in university, a lot of people didn't like a certain professor, but when I ended up taking his class, I thought he was a good teacher. It's all about perspective, and my opinions were different from everyone else's. I also don't read movie reviews or watch trailers because my perception could be altered from these things; I'm good at finding my own conclusions about everything.
But I'm horrible at ending blog posts. My personal journal entires I'm fine with ending however, but since this is made available for the public to see, it's harder.
I used to be okay with myself. I was in a good place. I can't say I was ever completely miserable before, but I knew I was on the uptake: I was happy with who I was and I was excited for what was going to come in the future. Now, I'm falling and I'm falling hard. I'm some place worse than I was when I was sad the first time, and I really don't like it. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel (which is such a cliché way of saying it), but I can't. I don't know what to do.

Life

It has been a while.

I also seem to only ever post when I'm sad and/or discouraged. Well.

These days I'm not feeling like myself. Actually, I don't even know who I am anymore so I can't really pinpoint what "feeling like myself" really means. I'm just...lost? Feeling alone? I want to talk to someone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I've thought about looking up a psychiatrist or therapist, but I'm not in a position to pay someone to listen to what I have to say. Also, I wouldn't even know where to start if I physically went to a head doctor...Would I start talking about my childhood like in the movies? Or would I just start talking about what's bothering me right now? And then, in my head and like in the movies, the doctor would just say, "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about," and then I'd be screwed and probably not ever want to talk. Or I'd just keep talking and not stop for however long a session is (most likely an hour) and the doctor wouldn't even have time to give me advice and just shoo me out the door...I swear, the things in my head.
I'm probably clinically crazy.

If I had friends who were good at listening and who actually cared about me, then I'd be set, but I don't have anyone like that. Or at least, I haven't ever felt I have anyone like that.

I also don't feel happy. My ultimate dream in life is to be happy, I realized. I don't need a husband, a big house, or cars...I just want to be happy to be alive and to be living. Right now, I'm not feeling that way at all. For the past couple weeks, I've had the thought that if I died, I'd be okay with it, because I have nothing exciting going on, because no one cares. My parents and I don't have conversations anymore, we're basically strangers in our own home; my sister doesn't live with me so it kinda feels like we're intruding on each other's life when we see each other; and I don't talk with the rest of my family on any kind of basis (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents).

So yeah. That's where I'm at. Good stuff right?