Mild swearing. Because I'm human.
The title sounds tres harsh, but I'm coming to believe that it's true.
I have a family. Duh. Everyone has a family, somewhere in the world. Mine have just been becoming obsolete.
Take my flesh-and-blood family. I don't know if we were ever close, but these days, we all do our own thing in different rooms. We used to eat dinners together, but now we don't. We used to be able to hold a conversation for a while, but now we can't; we didn't ever used to talk about the "important" things, but we don't even talk about the little things anymore! We don't ask each other questions, let each other know what should be done around the house (we just do it when we see it, and it's usually me or my mom who does it)...it's getting strained.
These past couple weeks, we've been without the main caretaker of the house: my mom was in Korea, visiting family and sight-seeing. The first week was ok: we had food and that's basically all we need to function. The second week started to really kill me: I go to school full-time (readings, presentation preps, and papers are taking up a lot of my time now. It's crunch time in the land of post-secondary school), and taking care of a dad who doesn't do shit (even though he's been home, sitting on his ass in front of the computer because his company is on strike. Lazy fuck) because, "It's the woman's job to do the shopping, cooking and cleaning, and you need to learn how to do it," and a sister who is barely home because she also goes to school full-time and works part-time but stays cooped up in her room once she is home is not a walk in the park.
First of all, I would happily do the shopping, but I do NOT have a Costco card, and that is where we do most of our shopping. I'm also not the breadwinner of the house, so spending money out of what I have in my account is rough on tuition money for the future. Second of all, my dad can cook. So can my sister. They can do the basics, but it's enough to keep them alive. Plus, we had a lot of frozen food in the freezer, so either of them could have just popped a pizza in the oven and ate. Also, there is a thing known as take-out. But my dad in particular is picky, because he's over 50 years old and he wants all of his food to be Korean. And there's no way in hell that I make Korean food, because (a) I don't want it every day of the rest of the my life and (b) I can't make it/don't want to learn how to make it. Lastly, there is only so much a girl can do with cleaning: I can do dishes, I can unload a dishwasher, I can sweep the floor, I can do laundry. I am not willing to do it every day that my mom isn't here however; everyone else should pitch in, am I right? NO ONE DID. Shitheads. I cannot (or will not) lug a 50 lb vacuum all over the house...and that's the only scenario in which I can think of that I won't do in the department of cleaning.
That kind of went into more than I wanted it to, but you get the point. We are just a bunch of individuals living under the same roof; we are not a family.
As to my family at camp, I've sort of cut them out. At least, in my head. I also wrote a letter to one of the interns that works there, telling him the reason I won't be coming out this year. It's mostly to do with me not liking the changes that the new director is making, but I can't say anything about them because, well, there wouldn't be a point. I also feel as though I'm super dependent on the place, to relax and to fellowship with other Christians...The last time I went, I didn't feel relaxed and I didn't really want to spend time with the people. The atmosphere is not as pleasant to me as it used to be, so I've just decided to not go at all this year. Quitting cold turkey. So far, it's going ok. But I'm thinking people will start to wonder why I'm not there (not to sound selfish or brag-y or anything) as the year goes on.
As for my friends, they're not close enough for me to consider them family. At one time, maybe. But now, I don't have friends [from school] who I would talk to on a regular basis to let them know what's up, how my mind is feeling, why I'm so freaking stressed out, etc.
I was thinking I should go see a therapist, just to get my brain all sorted out, get my feelings out in the open and in check...Then I realized I don't want to pay for a therapist at the moment. So maybe I should look into free therapy sessions? I don't even know if those exist...*Google*
Alright guys, sorry for the ranty bit at the beginning. But I needed to get all the feels out. Especially after the half hour cry I had before I started typing. Yeah, I know, emo girl, right here. ;)