Floodgates

He opened them.

I guess I need to catch you guys up: I fell in love with someone from nsfw Twitter. On October 23rd, he shattered my heart, but it had been steadily breaking since like July actually.

On December 10th, which is today, he decided to say hi and fucking ruin me all over again. This is absolute bullshit and I have no one to talk to thus me ranting here.

I was a mess. The weeks after October 23rd, I was a literal mess. My sexting habits died because anytime anyone showed affection, my heart would squeeze and I started crying; my masturbating sessions lessened and were eventually obsolete because I couldn't stop thinking about him while I touched myself; I couldn't work out as hard because my heart was under stress from being broken already;  I couldn't really "love" anything for a long time because any kind of strong emotion would make me break down.

I only just started getting better you guys. Seriously, I've been eating better this past week, I've been sleeping more and getting more well rested, I've been applying for jobs or at least trying to, I've been exploring new movies and watching new episodes of shows I loved...I hope I don't regress because this motherfucker decided to say hi because he thought he unfollowed me when I had actually blocked him for a time because I couldn't stand him being anywhere associated with me, causing us to stop following each other.

Reality check dictates that there would be no chance in heaven or hell being with him. K, there is a slight chance but he wouldn't do it. (And no, not delving into his life because that would be inconsiderate or me YES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM FUCK.) Yes, this is all on him.

Sometimes I resent ever responding to his first DM. I've thought this many times about him before and even now and will still think about it in the future, but he was the best and worst part of nsfw Twitter for me. So far, no one has compared. And yet there have been other people who were so much better, so much more open with me, so much more caring and sweet than he was with me. Just timing I guess.

I'll probably wrote more about it in my actual journal tomorrow. I want to sleep, but it's still early, like not even 11 pm. I was a fool for thinking I could fall asleep in the nine o'clock hour. I thought for sure I'd cry myself to sleep, but my brain isn't having it. I'm thinking too much. He opened the fucking floodgates and I have to suffer for it.